to think my 5 year old should be beyond this now?

[Mytetherisbackthere]

My 5yo DD (youngest of 3), whinges from dawn until dusk and it is starting to drive me to distraction.
She never gains anything from the whinging, we have never given in to any whingey requests, and yet all day everyday is a soundtrack of miserable whining. She is articulate but instead of speaking normally permanently reverts to the wailing tone of an overtired two year old. See also unnecessary quantities of crocodile tears (no physical tears but lots of noise).
She has a good routine, comfortable life, lovely school, gets consistent 1on1 time, positive attention when interacting positively, lots of love and affection. Minor whinging is ignored and/or distracted, more persistent and she’s removed from the room. It doesn’t help. She never stops. I am notoriously patient but 5 years in and it is wearing very, very thin.

Her elder sisters, now 9 and 11, parented in largely the same way, never did this. They had their toddler tantrums and challenging moments (DD9 didn’t sleep for longer than 45 minutes in one go until she was 3.5) but gave up when they realised they never got anything from tantrums, and are and were generally happy, polite children who communicate well. They’re very patient with their younger sister but this is starting to grate on the whole family.

IABU- She’s only five, you’re being unreasonable/ doing a rubbish job at parenting.

IANBU- We should be able to go through life without a constant soundtrack of ‘Errreuuughhhheeeerrwaaa’ by now.

Also, if anyone has any ideas about how to get this under control, please help!

I just tell mine to stop whinging tbh. It’s annoying and I don’t have the patience.

Things that have worked for me as a parent, primary school teacher and grandmother:

Please use your 5/6/7 whatever age voice

I’m struggling to hear/understand you. Could you use your most grown up voice please?

Saying a calm, firm “No” to the unreasonable request. Repeating the calm, firm no and offering a distraction, then not really engaging

Offering an alternative: Please, whining child, could you (STFU) be extraordinarily grown up and helpful and do this….. I would be v grateful if you were able to

Sounds as though you’re doing this sort of thing. Does she find being the ‘baby’ useful in some way? Are you unwittingly keeping her the baby?Would it help if rather than removing her from the room you don’t engage with the whinging?

Lord knows, it’s tiresome! Hopefully this too will pass.

Have you tried reverse bargaining?

For example, she makes a whiny request to do x.
You say she can do it later but if she asks again she can't do it until tomorrow.
If she whines say now she's not doing it until the day after tomorrow.
And so on until she gets the message. You obviously have to see it it through once you've said it!

Have a look at What to do when you grumble too much by Dawn Huebner. It's a really good, practical workbook that you complete together.

www.dawnhuebnerphd.com/what-to-do-when-you-grumble-too-much-a-kids-guide-to-overcoming-negativity/

No advice but just wanted to day that whingeing and moaning is the thing I find the absolute hardest as a parent. Worse than ill toddlers, babies who wouldn't sleep, and tantrums. Its utterly demoralising

Not a parent but I lived with DN until he was about 7. The ages 5/6 were frankly a nightmare for me as a young teen. Buuuuut auntieeee whhhyyy all in this nasal whiney voice as he demanded more playtime/chocolate/tv.

On the bright side from about 7/8 he grew up a bit and is now an outstanding young man. I'd say just stick it out OP, I'm sure your DD will get past this phase!

I used to say DD had to use her big girl voice and then model what she could say and how. I absolutely cannot bear whingng.

@CantHoldMeDown
"Ah, so you can say it but she can’t?"

Did you come from a home where you spoke exactly as your parents did?

My DD is 5 and a half and is the same, I feel like its worse now than it was when she was a toddler. Sometimes it feels like there is no compromising with her, if I ignore it will get louder and louder. Minor things will set this off or she will try and find things to complain about

🙄

I can do shots, should my toddler?

Totally agree. Being nice and patient isn’t working but since there is no ‘consequence’ your kid continues to whine.

I would just say ‘okay that’s enough. Until you can’t speak to me with words and ask for what you want without whining I am not going to listen to that noise’.

Put your foot down you are the parent. Not everything has to be about being super nice and patient. Sometimes enough is enough.

I think the sentiment is right but the choice of words is rude. It is rude to say shut up to anyone and you wouldn’t want your kid saying that back to you as a learned behaviour so I agree with this post.

However, you can say ‘okay enough is enough of the whining’

Whydoeseveryonewanttoargue · Today 01:40

CantHoldMeDown · Yesterday 15:14
Hideous.

I think the sentiment is right but the choice of words is rude. It is rude to say shut up to anyone and you wouldn’t want your kid saying that back to you as a learned behaviour so I agree with this post.
However, you can say ‘okay enough is enough of the whining

I agree with the ‘Okay, stop. That’s enough of the whiny voice now’ I honestly don’t think I realised I was whining. It turns into a habit and needs pointing out because the whiner just automatically goes into whine-mode blissfully unaware.

Look I wouldn’t tell a child to shut up, I think it’s nasty and rude. But “oh you can do it but she can’t” is such a stupid argument.

She would get a warning then either sitting on stairs for 5 mins or in her room, every single time.

‘What do whiners get?’
‘nothing’.

‘I’ve said you may have some chocolate after dinner but if you carry on whining they’ll be no chocolate at all today.. final warning’.

‘if you’re going to continually whine when there’s chocolate in the house we’ll have to say to Nanny to stop gifting us it’.

😥that's one of my greatest fear... Our eldest has been whinging, whining or crying since he was 10 months old... Now 3 year old and it looks like it's his default setting... Tantrums are always over dramatic screams and crocodile tears, and can be 3-6-10 times a day!

We're really really hoping it goes away by the time he is 5! I sympathise...

We've had some success sending him to his room, or asking him to go in a different room, if he gets too loud with the tantrums. I try to stay calm and tell him that he's been too loud for us and his sister, so either he stops and talk to us, or he goes somewhere else. Most of the time he has to get out (we tell him to come back when he's done), but he's getting better.

Ok. I hold my hands up, my mother was an extraordinarily strict woman. In fact she's bloody awful and if I'm being honest, a nasty bitch who I'm in fact NC with, I guess this has learned me!
Apologies.

I've cut straight to the end.

DS2 was 3. Constant whingeing. DS1 was 5 and knew exactly which buttons to push to get a reaction from DS2.

We'd become fairly immune if a bit fed up. It took an unscheduled holiday in a big caravan with my childless, single DB to point out 'DS2, why do you pretend cry about EVERYTHING?' - which alerted me to the fact it was enough. So I got firm with him, and DS1. So every time DS1 tried to wind DS2 up, and DS2 duly complied, I pulled them together, telling DS1 to stop winding his brother I, and DS2 to not react Every Single Time. I also went 'Ah!' Raised finger- every time I could see DS2 building up to a 'whaaa!' -for whatever nonsense reason.

It was remarkably successful.

My child is the same age, he has become more whingey recently and starting talking babyish or in a silly voice. Luckily it's not all the time but whenever he does this, I simply say I'm listening to you until you speak to me properly. It works as he will then talk to me properly but it's still infuriating when he does it.

If you use your whiney voice, I always say no.

That, with follow through, plus zero tolerance for whining in the same room as me (if at home) and ending a couple of trips out immediately (DH and I planned it, so we were together and one of us took whiney child home to their room, while other DC got the trip) worked for me.