to think my 5 year old should be beyond this now?

[Mytetherisbackthere]

My 5yo DD (youngest of 3), whinges from dawn until dusk and it is starting to drive me to distraction.
She never gains anything from the whinging, we have never given in to any whingey requests, and yet all day everyday is a soundtrack of miserable whining. She is articulate but instead of speaking normally permanently reverts to the wailing tone of an overtired two year old. See also unnecessary quantities of crocodile tears (no physical tears but lots of noise).
She has a good routine, comfortable life, lovely school, gets consistent 1on1 time, positive attention when interacting positively, lots of love and affection. Minor whinging is ignored and/or distracted, more persistent and she’s removed from the room. It doesn’t help. She never stops. I am notoriously patient but 5 years in and it is wearing very, very thin.

Her elder sisters, now 9 and 11, parented in largely the same way, never did this. They had their toddler tantrums and challenging moments (DD9 didn’t sleep for longer than 45 minutes in one go until she was 3.5) but gave up when they realised they never got anything from tantrums, and are and were generally happy, polite children who communicate well. They’re very patient with their younger sister but this is starting to grate on the whole family.

IABU- She’s only five, you’re being unreasonable/ doing a rubbish job at parenting.

IANBU- We should be able to go through life without a constant soundtrack of ‘Errreuuughhhheeeerrwaaa’ by now.

Also, if anyone has any ideas about how to get this under control, please help!

I think you need to be a little tougher on her OP. She needs to understand that other people don’t like listening to it, in whatever way you can get that across. Like the PP suggestion of whining back at her or, yes, a short sharp firm telling off.

Mine isn’t meant or whiny but he has shown signs of it occasionally. I literally cannot stand it so I have to tell him in no uncertain terms that he cannot speak that way. I remember him having a little tantrum at football when he was about 6 because they didn’t pick him for goal keeper and he just stood in the middle of the pitch, standing completely still, sulking while the game went on around him. I called him over and told him firmly that he was letting the rest of his team down, that it’s not all about him and he had better get back on the pitch and play properly or we would go home. Never did it again after that.
Im not sure gentle parenting methods are always effective, if I am honest. They need a little taste of what they would get in the real world if they behaved that way when they grow up. It prepares them for it.

It’s not hideous and the occasional reaction like this won’t traumatise her! Sometimes it is entirely necessary.

@Mytetherisbackthere Ask ''do you want some cheese to go with that whine?''

Whining in our family was absolutely not tolerated {when we were kids} - neither did sulking get 'rewarded'.

Kids tend to do what works for them.

Dogs that bark and whine ditto.

I can't bear whining and whingeing, so goodness knows how you cope.

If you don't reward whining, {even by attention, not sweets or chocolate or whatever she wants} It's unusual that she's continuing with that awful grating whiiineeeeeeee silly voice.

Hope you find a way of stopping it, it really is ghastly to have to listen to. {Have heard whiney kids in public}.

A short sharp shut up has worked wonders ime. I’m sure it works but I’d not tell anyone to shut up (and there are many times I’d very much love to).

OP needs her DD to speak in a normal voice and accept the word ‘no’, as an answer. She presumably doesn’t wish to teach her that telling someone to shut up is acceptable communication. It really isn’t.

It's a phase.
DS2 was like that at 4. Horrible whining. He was a lovely bright articulate child from 2 to 3 but changed at 4. Tantrums like I had never had before and the older they are the more stamina they have to keep the tantrum going.
I repeated over and over "I don't want to hear that voice, speak properly"
He improved massively over the year and by 5 was back to his normal self.

Sounds really annoying - I agree on trying a completely different tactic - I’d ask her to sing her requests and you sing back, see if you can get her to snap out of it!

Or, and this worked a couple of times, whine back loudly at her in the same kind of voice about the whining. Again, might surprise her out of it! I wouldn’t do this long term though.

YANBU to find it irritating, but I think it's pretty normal to go through a whiny phase at around this age. Just keep saying "I can't understand anyone who speaks in a whiny voice" over and over again and eventually it will stop!

My oldest can get like this. I tell him to stop and listen, give the answer, and tell him I won't answer the question again. (He will ask the same question over and over in the whiny voice.) Then I try to distract or ignore (depending on the circumstances, ie at home vs walking home from school) because if I react he will get more and more wound up.

My 9 year old DD is like this sometimes.

I answer her once, then completely ignore her. If she continues, I remind her that she is perfectly able to communicate clearly, so if she is going to continue whinging like a toddler, she will be treated like a toddler, so no sweets, tablet taken away for 24 hours, no TV or big girl outings etc...

If your DD is going to behave like a toddler, then treat her like one.

Ignoring it isn’t working.
You need consequences.
At 5 she knows it’s wrong and she’s being unpleasant / a pain.

I’d go for a consequence board.
set it up for the family in front of everyone and enforce it.

everyone has a rule and everyone has a consequence… kids get to pick them for you and dad too! (Google it)

repeated breaking of the rule is a big consequence generally something like 24 hr media blackout. No tv, no tablet, no nothing.

I could not be listening to that all day. It ruins the mood for everyone and it’s not fair on your older kids.

What is the punishment for being so whiney etc? Make sure there’s consequences or she will be a brat forever.

A friend recorded her whining child (admittedly a teenager) saying Muu-uu-uu-um and used it as her mobile ring tone. The whiney voice soon stopped!

Have you got a link to the consequence board thing? I can't find it but it sounds great!

Listening to whinging children is SO draining!

New tactics are always worth trying but I’m not always sure we can ‘fix’ everything in our kids. To some extent they just are who they are and most things they will outgrow.

Solidarity. My 4 year old is like this. Chronic glass-half-empty child. Mine doesn’t really whinge for stuff but about stuff. Nothing in his environment is ever quite right. Can’t ever keep anything to himself - we hear about every single minor issue!

I praise him every time he speaks in a normal voice. I still try and validate his feelings and provide solutions, but I’ve also started getting a bit tougher and telling him directly to stop whinging or I won’t be able to help him. This usually just escalates the whinging to full blown crying. I do think he is genuinely really sensitive to his environment and I am happy to hear his problems and try and help him. But I would love that to not be done with permanent whinging and crying, so I’m continuing with the tough love for now.

Weve also started doing ‘big deal or little deal’ about issues with examples when he is calm. I’m not sure if it’s having any impact but it’s making me feel like I am doing something!

Emotional regulation seems to progress to a higher level between 5 and 7. Your dc should be starting to learn to control her emotions a little more than when she was younger; they're all different though, and develop at different rates.

My dc turned 5 recently. When he does have a 'moment', I have been saying "how old are you, are you 2?" Then he will pause, and says "no, 5!" Then I say "Are you sure, because 5 year old big boys don't act this way, they don't winge and use baby voices, I think you're 2!" in a jokey tone, then I'll tickle him, and he'll have a good giggle. This breaks it. His older sibling also asked him why at 5 he is acting like a baby, and that he cannot understand what he wants; this has probably helped too.

The above has worked for us, he seems to be handling things better, and understanding more. Today, I noticed when I got down on his level, said no because of x reason, he understood and responded calmly. Dh, and I couldn't believe the difference! Normally that would have been a mini tantrum.

Like a couple of previous posters I used “I can’t understand you when you use that voice, speak properly to me please”

and then acknowledge you have heard and listened and considered when voice is changed, eg “we can’t go to the park now because X but we could go after school tomorrow”

She is gaining something from this behaviour or she wouldn't do it. Perhaps that is simply the familiarity of a habit. It feels comfortable for her so she keeps it up. Or it could be attention, since you respond when she makes herself annoying enough (removing her from the room). Even your minor reactions may represent a form of attention.

She is quite a bit younger than her sisters. In a few years the age gap won't seem much, but a 9-year-old and an 11-year-old are far beyond a 5-year-old in terms of development. Does she feel insecure in some way, lagging behind her sisters? Or does she think they receive unfair privileges due to their ages? Are the older girls more of a pair, since they are close in age and may share interests? Does the youngest feel left out?

Can you overdo the praise whenever she asks for something nicely? Possibly also praise her to other people in her earshot. You could try a reward chart with a much coveted prize if she succeeds, though that might draw too much attention to the behaviour. Otherwise, continue to ignore the whining, tell her you can't understand unless she speaks in her regular voice (but don't keep repeating that, just say it once when she starts whining).

Sorry, I don't speak Whinge.

https://www.instagram.com/drchelsey_parenting?igsh=MTk2aXhsNTBjaHo3Zw==
Dr. Chelsea parenting on Instagram is very good.
You can click the link.

Theres an amercian woman called brat busters on IG. Ignore the awful name, content is simple and solid.

Some of it is a bit American but honestly i love most of her advice.
It's a really simple framework.

DH had "dictator parents and felt powerless a lot so he likes that there is some control for her
"No phones when playing" "no shouting" etc.
The consequence are things like daddy has to be horsey, we play whatever game she likes, she picks her fave snack, can take a toy to park
Hers are v minor, stop the behaviour / say sorry / ask nicely...maybe help tidy plates or pick up toys depending on situation.
The consequences are quick and low level as she's so small.

We will keep it as its simple and easy

A short sharp shut up isn't pleasant of course it isn't however in this case I believe it is warranted, it's not shouted or yelled, it's a clear concise demand.

It's called parenting.

This isn't setting a precedent for the remainder of the child's life and to suggest it is is absurd.

Ugh, my 5yo is exactly the same! Also youngest child, older siblings were never like this even as 2yos. It's driving me to distraction.

I've started telling her that my old ears can't hear such squeaky (wailing) noises any more, and I can only hear proper words (we're lucky enough to have bats in the summer, and she loved the fact that she could hear them and I couldn't, so this does sometimes help, but not always).

I try my best to ignore it where possible, but her siblings find it almost impossible to ignore (I'm not surprised - it feels like a cattle prod straight to the heart if you're not expecting it!)