Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there isn't necessarily 'Someone for everyone'

44 replies

Iaminthefly · 11/01/2025 11:04

Mid forties, two young DC. Husband upped and left five years ago and has no contact with DC now.

If I had a tenner for every time I've been told I'll meet someone else, there's a better man out there for me etc. etc. I'd have enough for a pretty nice holiday by now.

I work two jobs, have no spare time and I'm permanently exhausted. Plus I have zero to offer a man these days. Yet if I dare to say "probably not" I get a reaction like I'm being really negative. That Mr Right is still out there despite having had nothing but shit off men in every relationship I've ever been in.

AIBU in thinking there's nothing wrong with a woman being realistic about her prospects? I'm just sick of people encouraging me to find someone. I couldn't find a decent man in my prime ffs! Never mind now!

OP posts:
MrsSethGecko · 11/01/2025 11:13

Oh I agree completely.
I've no interest in dating or finding anyone, plus I don't want anyone round my daughter till she's older- but like you say, what do I have to offer?

A body that's overweight and still has birth related injuries, boobs to my belly button, a limp?

PTSD?

No time, no energy, no inclination. Live in a one bed council flat, with a six year old and a geriatric Jack Russell?

It's hardly what every man wants to read on a dating profile is itGrin

I had horribly abusive relationships and plain bad relationships when I was young and pretty and had twenty years of prospects ahead of me. It's not going to be any better now.

Dobbythechristmaself · 11/01/2025 11:15

I think there is but not necessarily the time or travel about or luck in going to new things to find that person! I’m sure if you only socialise with 10 people typically and get into proper conversation with 30 new people in a year, the odd if you finding one of those people that would be a great match are pretty slim.

it’s a numbers game.

StarCourt · 11/01/2025 11:16

I'm with you op and couldn't agree more. i'm 58, lone parent for 14 years and my mum still tells me she wishes i'd find a man to look after me!

Thepeopleversuswork · 11/01/2025 11:18

I think you’re looking at it the wrong way up.

Youre correct in a way that the idea of “finding the one” is a load of rubbish. There aren’t pairs of people who are magically matched.

But you’re seeing this from the perspective of “what do you have to offer a man?” When really the question is “what do they have to offer you?”

A woman with her own means and her own children doesn’t need a man for anything and you shouldn’t be looking for a man for the sake of it. You should only want a man who enhances your life and your children’s life.

Thinking of it from the perspective of “what can I offer them?” is a fast way to lower your standards and bring down your self esteem.

You are a strong woman raising children. You should only want a man who recognizes and respects that. Anyone who considers this a shortcoming can go and take a flying jump.

Thats the way to look at it.

If you can find a man who aligns with all that you have a keeper but if not you are a hundred times better off without one. (As are your kids).

Friartruckster · 11/01/2025 11:19

@MrsSethGecko Tis a bugger innit - speaking as a 62 year old and getting the same instructions. I sing ‘one little piggy went to market” 😉

Friartruckster · 11/01/2025 11:20

@Thepeopleversuswork I have taken screen shot as a reminder..

Shayisgreat · 11/01/2025 11:21

Thepeopleversuswork · 11/01/2025 11:18

I think you’re looking at it the wrong way up.

Youre correct in a way that the idea of “finding the one” is a load of rubbish. There aren’t pairs of people who are magically matched.

But you’re seeing this from the perspective of “what do you have to offer a man?” When really the question is “what do they have to offer you?”

A woman with her own means and her own children doesn’t need a man for anything and you shouldn’t be looking for a man for the sake of it. You should only want a man who enhances your life and your children’s life.

Thinking of it from the perspective of “what can I offer them?” is a fast way to lower your standards and bring down your self esteem.

You are a strong woman raising children. You should only want a man who recognizes and respects that. Anyone who considers this a shortcoming can go and take a flying jump.

Thats the way to look at it.

If you can find a man who aligns with all that you have a keeper but if not you are a hundred times better off without one. (As are your kids).

These were thoughts.

I bet you're amazing OP.

Luminousalumnus · 11/01/2025 11:28

Come on OP. There isn't someone for ANYONE!
We are all just people choosing partners, making compromises, balancing our lives hopefully for the better.
If we find someone we like and who likes us back, all to the good. We work at it and it gets even better or maybe it doesn't and we separate.
There is no one perfect person for any of us.

Original poster
Iaminthefly · 11/01/2025 11:29

@Thepeopleversuswork I didn't explain that well. I mean I have nothing to offer a a man in the sense that I have zero interest in caring for, running after or coddling a man anymore.

Unfortunately most men only think of women in terms of what they can do for them or get out of them. I'm unlikely to meet a man because most men suck. I could get a boyfriend tomorrow if I lowered my standards. I won't though so here I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iaminthefly · 11/01/2025 11:31

@Luminousalumnus Yes but my post is about the fact that not everyone meets someone who is decent enough to do that with. Not for the long term anyway.

And I have no desire to have mu heart broken again. It couldn't handle it.

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 11/01/2025 11:35

Is this more about being tactful to friends who are single.

I agree -I'd not be just saying "you are bound to find someone etc etc"

I'd just commiserate and agree it's tough and help out with suggestions for busying one's life in other ways.

Original poster
Iaminthefly · 11/01/2025 11:35

@Shayisgreat I'm not but thank you :)

OP posts:
Pointpoint · 11/01/2025 11:36

I don’t believe in soul mates and there is someone for everyone. I fully believe you find someone that’s compatible with your values almost like a %. My DH and I might be 90%, there probably is someone I am more compatible with in the world and a lot less people.

However the pool of compatible people decrease with age due to people getting married, being burnt and broken by relationships etc.

If someone isn’t willing to see how bloody amazing you are, what sacrifices you have made for your family they don’t blood deserve you. Go straighten your crown, hold your head high as it sounds like you are doing an amazing job!

Gowlett · 11/01/2025 11:36

I’ve always hated the idea of “finding” someone.
Didn’t get married until I was 40, and I’d be just fine if so wasn’t married forever… I’d always get “oh, you’re so nice, how come you haven’t got a boyfriend?” Had plenty of male attention, a couple of chances to marry before I did. Agree with you!

Being married is a choice. Simple as that, as far as I’m concerned.

Original poster
Iaminthefly · 11/01/2025 11:37

@burnoutbabe I don't know because I'll cheerfully say "Well probably not but that's okay" and then they'll try and tell me why I'm wrong.

I'm the only single woman at BOTH my jobs and I'm treated like a rare species 🤣

OP posts:
2chocolateoranges · 11/01/2025 11:40

I think there is someone for everyone if you lower your standards but why should you.

aim for the top, the best person to suit you.

my mum has been on her own since my father died when she was 32, she now 76 and has been on her own all this time. She concentrated on being a mum at first and since myself and sibling moved out she has met new friends, joined social groups and is fiercely independent and strong. There is not a day that she sits in the house doing nothing, she’s out walking, jumps on the bus to places to explore.

burnoutbabe · 11/01/2025 11:42

Most of my friends are single 50ish ladies (no kids). So we don't tend to pretend there is a waft of lovely men out there of that age who want women that age. A 50 year old man in London with no kids, reasonable job, has his pick of the ladies.

LostTheMarble · 11/01/2025 11:42

Thepeopleversuswork · 11/01/2025 11:18

I think you’re looking at it the wrong way up.

Youre correct in a way that the idea of “finding the one” is a load of rubbish. There aren’t pairs of people who are magically matched.

But you’re seeing this from the perspective of “what do you have to offer a man?” When really the question is “what do they have to offer you?”

A woman with her own means and her own children doesn’t need a man for anything and you shouldn’t be looking for a man for the sake of it. You should only want a man who enhances your life and your children’s life.

Thinking of it from the perspective of “what can I offer them?” is a fast way to lower your standards and bring down your self esteem.

You are a strong woman raising children. You should only want a man who recognizes and respects that. Anyone who considers this a shortcoming can go and take a flying jump.

Thats the way to look at it.

If you can find a man who aligns with all that you have a keeper but if not you are a hundred times better off without one. (As are your kids).

This Is exactly how I feel. I don’t look at my personal situation as ‘when will I ever find a man again?’, I think ‘what would a man bring to my situation?’. The answer is (at the moment) absolutely nothing. I’m happy in my own company but have friends for socialising or just to let steam off if needs be. My children are young and are ND, I’d not introduce a man into the family at this point for their sake and safety. And truthfully, I have zero interest in being intimate with a man, something that became very apparent near the end of my last relationship - so I’d not be bringing much for him between being a mum first who doesn’t care for canoodling 🤣. If it was just a case of company I could have kept limping along with my ex and ignore the boiling resentment of all the other issues. But it’s far far better to be single and just grin and bear the silly comments about ‘finding another man’ (or worse, eventually having another baby 🤪).

Mollydoggerson · 11/01/2025 11:46

What do men have to offer us?

very little!

They are more hassle than they are worth, they don’t look after you, they are mostly a drain. Sorry, but that’s my experience. I enjoy flirting and dating, but I think most men are v selfish.

My sisters married high achievers and I don’t envy them, husbands are pains in the ass.

women don’t have to be coupled up to be content

Original poster
Iaminthefly · 11/01/2025 11:49

@Mollydoggerson I can't even be arsed to date or flirt anymore. My patience is zero🤣

OP posts:
MyDeepZebra · 11/01/2025 11:55

Iaminthefly · 11/01/2025 11:31

@Luminousalumnus Yes but my post is about the fact that not everyone meets someone who is decent enough to do that with. Not for the long term anyway.

And I have no desire to have mu heart broken again. It couldn't handle it.

I'm definitely in this place. 40, no kids (and no wish to go it alone, so feeling very sad about that).

Genuinely struggled to meet a decent man with the morals and values I was looking for, who would be an equal as a husband and father to me as a wife and mother.

I'm the only single one in my circle. Hobbies and meet ups locally seem to be full of people who have quite serious dependencies or mental illnesses (I'm not talking about depression, anxiety etc).

Friends are now 10+ years on from their weddings and the cracks are showing under the strain of young children and stressful jobs...I think most of them are regretting their choice in life partner at his point.

I would genuinely like to meet a stable, kind, funny, all round decent man. But at this point I feel it's highly unlikely. Could I find just anyone to have a relationship that would be more hassle than it's worth? Sure. But I want someone not just anyone. And I don't agree that there is someone for everyone, a "lid for every pot" etc.

Rachmorr57 · 11/01/2025 11:58

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 11/01/2025 12:00

At 53, I do not now ever expect to meet a man that I would consider worthy of my time.

I have found men do not bring positivity or any kind of synergy to my life.

It's far better to be single and to pursue the things that interest me once I have the time. I have 4 dcs and it's a bit tricky to find the time.

Wishingplenty · 11/01/2025 12:01

Agreed, it is like an automated thing for people to say, with no real thought or meaning behind it. Especially to that person's individual circumstance. It is a real lazy thing to say.

Cyclebabble · 11/01/2025 12:02

Hi OP. If I have learned one thing from life it is to be fussy in relationships. You need to be really careful and hard headed will a relationship add to your life or not. IME in many cases it does not and women put in more than they get. Not always I hasten to add, but i would certainly say in a large number of cases. So in summary no relationship is much much better than a bad one.