To think there isn't necessarily 'Someone for everyone'

[Iaminthefly]

Mid forties, two young DC. Husband upped and left five years ago and has no contact with DC now.

If I had a tenner for every time I've been told I'll meet someone else, there's a better man out there for me etc. etc. I'd have enough for a pretty nice holiday by now.

I work two jobs, have no spare time and I'm permanently exhausted. Plus I have zero to offer a man these days. Yet if I dare to say "probably not" I get a reaction like I'm being really negative. That Mr Right is still out there despite having had nothing but shit off men in every relationship I've ever been in.

AIBU in thinking there's nothing wrong with a woman being realistic about her prospects? I'm just sick of people encouraging me to find someone. I couldn't find a decent man in my prime ffs! Never mind now!

OMG! It boils my piss that people want everyone to be joined up in neat little pairs. It is a societal pressure and often one partner is doing all the slog. Yes it can be helpful to be a pair and share costs. What about all the people who have someone gate keeping the money and letting it out in little dribs and drabs or people who suck the life out of everything and you have to spend all your time cheering them up and keeping them going which they don't even appreciate. Live your life for you. Be strong and independent. It sounds like you are doing really well. Ignore the 'supportive' sheeples! Have a great 2025!

So no, there isn't someone for everyone.

Who wants to date or marry a man with shitty values and behaviour?

I just can't see the time for a man. I work, I come home, I clean, cook, volunteer and sort of barely keep things ticking along. There's no time to go on a date or chat about how was your day, or spend time looking not unkempt. Let alone all the personal grooming and putting up with a body snoring and taking up half the bed. No room for giant shoes that I will trip over.

For me dating would be like adopting a Great Dane. Yes, very rewarding but also very time and space consuming.

There are 8 billion people on the planet. Some of them will definitely find you attractive, and you them. It may well be, however, that many of us will never actually cross paths with such a person.

There probably is someone for every if you put in the time and effort to find them, but you might choose to put your time and effort into other things, and that's okay. You don't have to be in a relationship just because everyone else is.

I agree, @Iaminthefly . In your situation it has to be the right person who will enhance your life and your children’s lives, the right circumstances for both of you and at the right time. So many people with kids seem to jump into relationships without thinking about whether it’s a sensible thing to do or even if it’s the best partner for them to be with!

There are likely many people with whom you would match perfectly. The trouble is finding one who lives close to you.

One of the positives about getting older is that people usually back off from this “you’ll find the one when the time is right” shit.

I am in my early 50s now and I am in a relationship after my marriage failed which is generally good. But he’s a long way from being perfect. I have boundaries in place around behavior and am pretty ruthless about enforcing them (and thankfully I don’t need to really) but if I hadn’t met him I would have been fine. In some ways I envy single women. Even good relationships require a lot of compromise and it usually falls to the woman to do most of the compromising.

A lot of my contemporaries are now single after the breakup of marriages or long relationships and most of them are happy and fulfilled with a new lease of life.

Women who have been through the mill have usually wised up and learned that being in a relationship is often vastly overrated and at best imposes a lot of limitations.

So people stop with the “you’ll find love when you least expect it,” stuff. Many of them are probably secretly envious.

YANBU.

My lovely friends would be so happy if I rocked up with a bloke in tow.

I know I would hate it. The only person I want to live with is DDog, and even he has dicey moments. Adult DC always welcome home too, but I have zero interest in dating, or any kind of romantic relationship. There is absolutely nobody out there for me. Even Brad Pitt can take a hike. 😂

It's so obviously wrong, I don't understand why people keep saying it.

That's the real reason.

Randall Munroe did the mathematical calculation and discovered that each person on earth has 500,000,000 potential soul mates and the odds of finding true love in one lifetime are 1 in 10,000 (assuming your soul mate is close in age to you).

So most people aren't finding their one true love anyway.

@2chocolateoranges I have been on my own since being widowed 6 years ago. I was 38 when my husband died. People like your mum are my inspiration.

Thanks, she is my hero too, the way she has handled life when things went so wrong for her bringing up a 4 and 9 year old on her own, and has became a strong independent woman, she holidays herself, with her friends too and is always out and about. We had to get her a mobile so we could keep in contact with her.

she said it’s all about taking each day as it comes and not being afraid to try new things and new places.

If you think about us as an animal species, our underlying aim to avoid extinction is to pair up and reproduce.

I think the “when will you find a man” and “when will you have a child” questions are just so deeply engrained that they just pop out of people’s mouths in social settings.

People just chat away without thinking about what they’re saying.

“They know not what they do.”

I'm the same and only in my 40s. Never been married and the older I get, the less it appeals to me. You're right, and I'm not lowering my standards either just so that I have a partner.

All I want is not to be treated like crap and not to be a maid at home and that seems like a lot to ask at the moment 😂

😂😂 so true.

I'd consider separate houses but I don't think I'd want to live with a man.

Totally agree. I’ve been single for 5 years now and come to the realisation that I’ll probably be single forever as there just really isn’t anyone out there for me.

In that 5 years I’ve only had about 10 dates and just didn’t feel a spark with any of them. Well one I did but he had more baggage than Stansted.

I'm sure there are plenty of men out there where you'd mutually benefit each others lives, but you have very little chance of meeting them and having the time and energy to start that relationship. Maybe when the kids are older if you want to.

I am happily married, I'd say at least half my married friends are miserably married. If my DH went I'm sure I could not be arsed with finding another man and if I did I'd have such high standards its unlikely anyone who meets them would be single.

@devilspawn

Randall Munroe did the mathematical calculation and discovered that each person on earth has 500,000,000 potential soul mates and the odds of finding true love in one lifetime are 1 in 10,000

Yeah the idea of “the one” is palpably bullshit. It’s a fairytale.