to be annoyed with my mother ...

[oldwomanwholivedinashoe]

About 3 months ago dh and i were invited away with a group of friends for one of our friens for a 40th bday celebration. It was friday and sat eve. we asked my mum if she would have children for the weekend - she said yes although i could tell she wasnt pleased about the idea. A day later she rang and said that she would have them for one night but not 2 so we could choose fri or sat. i said ok could she dot he sat please. she said yes and said tell her the actual date nearer the time. since then I have asked her if she's still alright with this about 4 times - she always said yes and ive always mentioned date. Last weekend she asked me when it was agin and I told her. she said it was still ok.
then this morning she said 'when is it?' 'oh i cant do it after all im working'
i know that she def is working so this is not made up. she offered to do friday night nistead but its not possible for us to cahnge.
I just said that i wish shed let me know before id paid and she said she was really sorrya nd felt guilty.
My auntie is doing tit insted so we can still go but im really pissed off with my mum. she lives 0.9miles away and we hardly see her. she does nothing for us and is consdtantly doing things like this to us.
sorry to go on...

If she's always doing things like that to you then I don't think you should have relied on her.
You have an alternative, let it drop and don't ask your Mum again

my dh says the same but somehow i cant stop going back for more. i always feel completely let down by her. she is really supportive of my other sister (18) and treats her so differently. ive tried to talk to her about it ut she just tarts cryingand saying 'i do my best' 'i hope your children dont critise you like this' and then it all gets out of hand

There's obviously a lot going on with your relationship with her and maybe you want to sort that out?
But do that seperately from this occasion

ive tried so many times to sort things out int he last couple of years. im going to try to not get annoyed with her and jsut not ask her for anything if posssible int he future. this will be hard as my husband have busy stressful jobs an dhis parents have both died so they are really our only form of support but im so fed up with her making me feel like shit that im going to try to get along without any of her miserable help then at least she cant let me down.

I'm really not very good at helping but I think maybe accepting that she won't help would be for the best?
Perhaps that way you wouldn't feel so let down all the time?
Does she want to see your DC when they're with you?

hello, just thought id put in my pennies worth; i have issues with my mother, i have finally (after lots of issues with her, guilt tripping , lying and feeding my kids crap when ive asked her not to,)i made the decision to accept her for the way she is i stay away from certain subjects and take what she says with a pinch of salt, she will never change sadly, but i feel the bigger person for just dealing with the fact she's not the mother a hoped for but she is a grandmother to my kids and i have just dealt with it in my head. whats that saying: you cant choose your family or something. I feel for you and understand where your coming from, dont let her get to you, lifes too short when she sees you dont ask her for help with your kids she may be will think about her behaviour, good luck

She seems apologetic, you managed to find someone to do it. I say try not to be resentful. If she does this a lot perhaps she has other stuff going on in her life which just can't be dropped. Things come up ini work etc. Best not to rely on her to provide childcare and then there will be less resentment.

hey ever thought about setting up a babysitting circle, then you can obviously show her that its better for you to rely on some one other than her cos shes let you down so much, some friends and i started one a couple of years ago started with 4 families now we have over 30 family's on the list, just a thought

thats a good idea testo - thanks - i'll think about it.
Also thanks Beanie - she does have a lot of other stuff going on but somehow finds the time for everything / everyone else!

testos,

i think thats good, acceptong how they are. Ispent yrs being let down a nd upset by my mum.

Now i try to rise above it, and geton with mylife.

you really can't change people, as much as it hurt, to not be able to understand them.

I don't know how families work nowadays - universal independence seems to be the norm - maybe the quid pro quo for us sticking the older generation into old people's homes at the first whiff of incontinence is that they expect us all to paddle our own canoes ... I dunno

do you know that is the laugh of all this quattro - about 2 months ago she was begging me not ot put her in anold peoples home when she gets older. she was saying ' dont do that to me please. look after me properly wont you'. she knows that my brother wont and my sister (whom she worships and gives in to every request / demand - she's 18) lives in London and as my mum says 'wil have her own life!'
Ironic that she lets me down all the time but expects so much from me in her old age!

Hi oldwomanwholivedinashoe (its so wierd calling someone that)
How are you today?
I hope your mum isnt getting to you anymore, all we can do is promise ourselves we will never become like them !!!
hope your ok!

Hm where have I seen a T shirt that says ' Be nice to your children as they will choose what nursing home you go in ' I think you ought to buy one of these and wear it next time you see her . LOL

a plain t shirt from matalan and some fabric pens will do and you would have the satisfation of creating something yourself and she'd know it! he he ha

thanks paros and testo - brill idea it cheered me up! i do feel better today. I think i really upset on sun cos on fri i told her id been appointed headteacher at a school and she barely managed a smile - all i got was a torrent of information about a job advert she's seen she would loev to get??!!
Im only 34 so a headship is really something. ive worked hard for it and still manage to be what i consider a good mum / wife etc
I think the key to this relationship is going to be accepting her behaviour as something i will never be able to change so i should just try to not let her get me down.
I will avoid asking her for any kind of help and wont expect anything from her - that way at least anything she does will be a bonus!

Seriously well done you . Headteacher no less you must be so proud . What a wonderfull achievment . I bet you worked hard to get this job . Sod your mum go celebrate your new job . WELL DONE CONGRATULATIONS .

wow, ditto pharos,...you star (can i call you old bid its easier?)old bid thats fab news, new job , head teacher are you sure your not super woman?
i can barely cope with working on the odd occasion as fill in staff at the local preschool sort out my 3 ds's at keep my house sort of cleanish!

Quattro- oh dear. It was my mother who put her mother in a home,not me, but my parents have far more important things to do with their time than to spend it with their grandchildren. They are not 'putting their lives on hold for their family'. They do, however, anticipate that I will be looking after them when they need care, apparently, as I am the only one who has stayed anywhere near them geographically.

Oldwoman- it's really hard, but you have the right plan- to learn not to ask, or expect- I'm so fed up of being offered things by my parents only to have them taken away in the next breath, it has been the story of my life. I have learned to accept that my parents are very self-centered and thankfully I am not, and just make my own way.

And congratulations on the fab job- well done you!

im glad to hear we are not alone with dissapointing parents, we must just be sure to learn from their behaviour kids rule

im grown up kids rule

sorry cant type its getting late, i mean big kids rule!!!!!

we know what you mean!

off to watch csi, take it easy