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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

First overnight stay with partners children

31 replies

strawberrysea · 10/01/2025 21:48

I'm in a fairly new relationship with a man, we met in May and things are going very well. Discussions about marriage and the future etc.

He has two children from a previous relationship aged 6 and 9.

I met his children for the first time a couple of weeks ago. The meeting went brilliantly and we got on very well. I haven't spent any time with them since.

This Sunday we are all going out together to the zoo (second time meeting them) and then my boyfriend suggested that I come home with them and spend the night.

I guess my AIBU is AIBU to think that this is too soon for an overnight stay with them? I'm really apprehensive about it. Boyfriend has said that he completely understands and is absolutely fine with whether I stay or go but at the same time has made it clear that he is very keen for me to stay. I don't have children myself so I would appreciate advice from those that do on how you would proceed or how in theory you would want your ex's new partner to proceed in this situation. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
RobinHood19 · 10/01/2025 21:51

I’d probably want to stay away myself. After a full day, the kids may need their own space to decompress and process / talk through their feelings about the day with their father. I think I would feel apprehensive myself, so it’s OK if you want to postpone the overnight stay to the next meeting.

Pieandchips999 · 10/01/2025 21:52

I think it's too soon. It's really only the minimum time to start meeting them a small amount. I'd build things up gradually. The time to be there when they are also staying over is when you are living there or much further down the line with a specific purpose. It's much more interesting for the children for you to be this fun person who it's a treat to see at the start

MaybeItWasMe · 10/01/2025 21:52

Agreed. Do the zoo day and then go home. There will be time for sleepovers soon enough.

Clearinguptheclutter · 10/01/2025 21:53

Nah too soon

ChocolateTea · 10/01/2025 21:53

We let my children decide tbh. After a couple of months my then 5 year old asked if now DH would stay for a sleepover. I asked where he would sleep, and he replied your bed. So we went with that.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/01/2025 21:54

I'd say it's far far too soon to be staying over night. Zoo is enough for the second time.

Bobbie12345 · 10/01/2025 21:54

Too soon.

countbackfromten · 10/01/2025 21:55

Having had experience in this, I would wait. Build up a relationship with them by spending more time with them before you stay over. I had known my partner’s children for well over a year before I stayed over. It was definitely worth spending the time and effort making them feel comfortable and safe before that.

Hokem · 10/01/2025 21:56

Even if it wasn't too soon, it's too much after a whole big day out.

Original poster
strawberrysea · 10/01/2025 21:58

Thank you for the replies.

My main concern obviously is the children and how they will feel about me sleeping in the same bed as their dad but as I mentioned I don't have kids and also have never really spent any time around children before this and so I think it might be quite overwhelming for me too if I stay the night. I felt really guilty about saying no and so I'm grateful for the validation!

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 10/01/2025 21:58

There hasn't been enough time spent with them yet, you need to try going out for tea etc a bit more first. He shouldn't be discussing marriage until he saw how you were around his children, that would be a red flag for me.

mitogoshigg · 10/01/2025 21:59

Probably best to keep it flexible, it may seem ok but might be obvious that they need space after a long day.

Every child and situation is different, no set formula. Most important thing is children are central to decision making

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/01/2025 22:00

I would wait a couple more times before you do.

And then when you do sleepover, stay downstairs and well away from bath and story time and don't let them climb into your bed in the morning (either send DP out to them or get up early.). First for their sense of safety and normalcy , second for safeguarding boundaries (that they should have with any parents partner) and last but not least the most likely risk - to stop you being lumbered with his parenting work.

countbackfromten · 10/01/2025 22:01

strawberrysea · 10/01/2025 21:58

Thank you for the replies.

My main concern obviously is the children and how they will feel about me sleeping in the same bed as their dad but as I mentioned I don't have kids and also have never really spent any time around children before this and so I think it might be quite overwhelming for me too if I stay the night. I felt really guilty about saying no and so I'm grateful for the validation!

Definitely don’t feel guilty about it! You are doing the right thing. It is a lot, I’m so glad I spent so much time building a relationship with them as it means the world to me. I’m very lucky to have them in my life

juicelooseabootthishoose · 10/01/2025 22:10

How long has their dad been single?
How long since he split with their mum?
Has mum introduced any new partners recently that they are still getting used to?
How much time do they spend with him
Per week?
How many other people have they been introduced to since the split if any?

Ponderingwindow · 10/01/2025 22:10

Way too soon. Your relationship is barely long enough to justify the zoo outing.

WeightLoss2025 · 10/01/2025 22:12

Ponderingwindow · 10/01/2025 22:10

Way too soon. Your relationship is barely long enough to justify the zoo outing.

Completely agree. I wouldn't have even allowed a BF to meet my children at this stage. Complete insanity.

Huskytrot · 10/01/2025 22:15

strawberrysea · 10/01/2025 21:58

Thank you for the replies.

My main concern obviously is the children and how they will feel about me sleeping in the same bed as their dad but as I mentioned I don't have kids and also have never really spent any time around children before this and so I think it might be quite overwhelming for me too if I stay the night. I felt really guilty about saying no and so I'm grateful for the validation!

Consider why you WOULD stay over?

Take yourself off for a peaceful night after a long day being on high alert. Let your partner parent, set the scene for being a pleasant addition to their life, not a surrogate mum taking on wife work or taking their dad away

Huskytrot · 10/01/2025 22:15

If you don't put yourself first now you risk being sucked in too much too soon

Franjipanl8r · 10/01/2025 22:23

I wouldn’t want someone I’d only met for the 2nd time staying in my house overnight and I’m a fully grown adult.

Original poster
strawberrysea · 10/01/2025 22:23

Huskytrot · 10/01/2025 22:15

If you don't put yourself first now you risk being sucked in too much too soon

Thank you, that is really good advice.

OP posts:
Tandora · 10/01/2025 22:27

Definitely don’t stay the night. Why has your boyfriend suggested this? How often does he see his children?

CheekyHobson · 10/01/2025 22:36

Well done for having a sensible boundary here. Six months of dating is at the early end for meeting the kids (I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year and just looking to introduce in the next couple of months) and to move straight into staying the night would be upsetting and confusing for the kids. Imo you should look to another six months of getting to know them and ensure everything is comfortable before considering sleeping over.

It’s a lot for kids to see a new person suddenly stepping into the “role” that they previously understood their mother (or father, in the opposite case) to hold. Parents typically seem to be ready for new relationships long before the children are and unfortunately the kids often get only cursory consideration and even less “say” about a stranger starting to move into their lives.

WeightLoss2025 · 10/01/2025 22:40

Tandora · 10/01/2025 22:27

Definitely don’t stay the night. Why has your boyfriend suggested this? How often does he see his children?

This is a good question. How often does he see his children? If it's 50% or less, why are you even involving them in your relationship?

Endofyear · 10/01/2025 22:43

I think second time of meeting them is far to soon to stay overnight. I would give it a few months of getting to know them first before even thinking about an overnight stay. Just tell your partner that it feels far too soon and you want to give the children the chance to get used to having you around before you stay the night while they're there. If he is put out by that, he's not thinking about his children, he's thinking about himself.