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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Separate rooms drama

29 replies

Lickityspit · 10/01/2025 07:32

After years of broken sleep due to DH snoring I decided to move into my eldest DS room now he has left home. I decorated it myself and it’s lovely. I am well rested, happier and enjoy not been woken constantly with the noise. I’ve tried everything. Earplugs for me, snoring aids, sleep apnoea clinic (he doesn’t have it).
anyway DH is kicking up a fuss and sulking big time. We are still intimate and at thr weekends I go to bed with him and when the snoring is too bad I move but during the week most nights I just go to my own room. I still work 12 hour shifts and get tired but he wants me in his bed every night “to cuddle” before I go off to my own bed. I do sometimes but AIBU to want to some nights go to bed early with my book and just chill? You would have thought this was the worst thing I could do. Any other separate roomers on here with some words of wisdom and experience? I think he’s being selfish and he thinks I am.

OP posts:

Catza · 10/01/2025 07:43

He is expressing that his emotional needs aren't being met. It's not selfish to express your needs in a relationship. So no, neither of you are selfish. But you need to come up with some solutions together. Why not go to your room and chill with the book, he can then join you for a cuddle before going to his bedroom.

LittleGreenDragons · 10/01/2025 08:27

He is putting his wants for a cuddle above your need to stay healthy (broken sleep affects your physical and mental health and can cause long term damage). That is cruel and mean spirited of him.

Has he even tried anything to stop snoring, eg weight loss, different sleeping position, no alcohol?

mitogoshigg · 10/01/2025 08:29

Sorry but I'm with him, snuggling up in bed before you go to sleep is the best bit of the day along with a sneaky snuggle after the alarm when he should be in the shower.

There's far more to intimacy than dtd

Semiramide · 10/01/2025 08:35

... sleep apnoea clinic (he doesn’t have it)....... is kicking up a fuss and sulking big time.

So, he is refusing to address the issues that rob you of sleep and insists that you continue to put up with your sleep deprivation?

How does he justify this?

I would not put up with this utter selfishness.

TickingAlongNicely · 10/01/2025 08:37

Why can't he come to you for a cuddle before going to his own bed?

Does he accept how bad his snoringvis?

Faz469 · 10/01/2025 08:38

Making sure he drinks enough water helps my partner dramatically. If it's not caused by sleep apnea, and changing position, or lowering alcohol intake doesn't help. Try encouraging him to drink more water. That way you might find a solution that helps you both.

Otherwise an evening cuddled on the sofa may help his needs before you go off to your own room to chill.

Hankunamatata · 10/01/2025 08:38

Do you both go to bed the same time?

If your going to read don't see the issue reading in shared bed, snuggling then popping off to own bed (nice electric blanket in a timer so it's super cozy)

Hankunamatata · 10/01/2025 08:40

Or he comes in with you and snuggles then pops off

I snore, loudly. Lovely menopuase side effect and weight gain. I'm trying to lose weight. I'm using all different sprays and devices to try and minimise but really upsets me when dh goes on about it as I can't help it

FloralCrown · 10/01/2025 08:40

Tell him that the sleeping in separate rooms is just a temporary measure until he sorts out his snoring and then you'll move back in.

Any time he speaks about you sleeping in a separate room you can simply reply "have you cured your snoring yet?"

This is his "problem" to fix. If he wants you to share a bedroom, he has to ensure your sleep won't be negatively affected by that.

Sleep deprivation is literal torture and you shouldn't have to suffer that every night, especially when you're working 12 hour shifts.

OurDreamLife · 10/01/2025 08:41

It could be the beginning of the end if you want more and more time alone and he feels neglected.

TheTruthHurtsDontIt · 10/01/2025 08:41

Nah he doesn't get to prioritise his want for a cuddle over your literal human need of getting enough sleep. And I say this as a cuddler.

Why can't he come to you for cuddles before bed if that's such a strong "need" of his? Why is the onus entirely on you to make this situation work when he's entirely the cause of it?

Katrinawaves · 10/01/2025 08:42

Semiramide · 10/01/2025 08:35

... sleep apnoea clinic (he doesn’t have it)....... is kicking up a fuss and sulking big time.

So, he is refusing to address the issues that rob you of sleep and insists that you continue to put up with your sleep deprivation?

How does he justify this?

I would not put up with this utter selfishness.

Where does the assumption that he’s refusing to address the issues come from. The OP says they have tried various different snoring aids but they haven’t worked and that her OH has also been seen by the sleep apnoea clinic but they found that he isn’t stopping breathing in the night. That doesn’t equate to him refusing to address the problem. It just means that so far no cause for the snoring has been found and that the techniques which often work have not done so for him. 🤷‍♀️

If moving into the spare room is a relatively new thing, this may just take some time to work through and for the husband to get used to the new arrangements.

Chocolately · 10/01/2025 08:46

If you nudged him awake everytime his snoring woke you up I doubt he'd be happy, would he.
Sounds like you need a proper discussion and agreement of the whole thing to avoid bad feelings. You shouldn't have to lie in his bed sleepless because he's upset about sleeping on his own. Ffs.

DingDongDenny · 10/01/2025 08:56

My DH and I have separate rooms and our relationship has improved because of it. He used to wake me up snoring, then I'd toss and turn and wake him up. Now we are much better rested, happier and more affectionate because of it.

I think because your DH hasn't suffered from lack of sleep he doesn't get it. He's being selfish

BettyBardMacDonald · 10/01/2025 09:03

OurDreamLife · 10/01/2025 08:41

It could be the beginning of the end if you want more and more time alone and he feels neglected.

It could be the beginning of the end if he considers her health a lower priority than his ability to control her via emotional manipulation.

BalladOfBarry · 10/01/2025 09:09

Neither of you is wrong.
I hope you reach a happy compromise if it's a good marriage.

I have to admit that it sounds like the beginning of the end to me

Whaleandsnail6 · 10/01/2025 09:11

I'm with you...we sleep in separate rooms as shifts have made us have different sleeping patterns and we are both so much more rested for it

I also like to wind down in bed with my book and settle and read and wouldn't want to be getting comfortable with husband for a cuddle, just to get up again and move once he starts snoring

I think your husband is being selfish and in the week when you have to work, prioritise sleep.

Daisyvodka · 10/01/2025 09:17

Is he overweight?

Onlycoffee · 10/01/2025 09:21

I am the same as you, although my DC came back home indefinitely a few months ago and I had to give the room back so I sleep on the sofa.
I start off in the bed with earplugs but as soon as the snoring disturbs me I go downstairs.
It's not fair and I have chronic health problems but I fit on the sofa, DH wouldn't.

So I agree with you. I don't think people understand how terrible it is to have years of sleep deprivation due to another person's fault.

Cuddle downstairs, maybe cuddle in the mornings.

We've been in mostly separate rooms on and off for 4 years since my DC went to university (and every time she came home I was back in our bed with bad sleep) and it hasn't changed our relationship, if anything it's better because I'm not sleep deprived.

Phthia · 10/01/2025 09:24

Semiramide · 10/01/2025 08:35

... sleep apnoea clinic (he doesn’t have it)....... is kicking up a fuss and sulking big time.

So, he is refusing to address the issues that rob you of sleep and insists that you continue to put up with your sleep deprivation?

How does he justify this?

I would not put up with this utter selfishness.

He isn't refusing to address the issues if he's been to a sleep apnoea clinic. Snoring isn't that easy to cure.

Brefugee · 10/01/2025 09:31

I think there is a way forward (also fistbump to the "menopause snorer" above - after years of DH snoring i now snore too and he won't stop moaning about it)

Suggestions that OP read in the shared bed then hop over to her own - I'd never do that because i get warm and cozy reading and often wake with the book over my face (because DH has been snoring). So i'd expect him to come to mine for the companionship, then hop back to his. etc etc etc

But OP did say that she sometimes does go to his bed for a cuddle, and at weekends, so i don't see why there aren't more compromises to be had on his side.

CheekySwan · 10/01/2025 09:51

If anything we both snore bad (he actually recorded me!). It a race to see who goes to sleep first. I tend to read until i'm nodding and can't keep my eyes open, I find that helps. But I do wish we had a spare room I could go into but I don't think DH would be happy about that lol.

Have you tried anti snoring pillows? Or make him sleep semi sat up? There are also mouthguards you can get.

TheNoonBell · 10/01/2025 10:11

Separate rooms is great, we both sleep much better because of it. Both DH and I snore but the final straw were his eye watering farts when he had too many beers and a dodgy kebab on the way back from the pub where we used to live.

We still hop into each other's bed regularly but nearly always sleep separately.

AmandaHoldensLips · 10/01/2025 10:11

Me and DH have separate bedrooms and I love it. Again, snoring issue (him) and after 15 years of marriage I couldn't stand it any longer.

He wasn't happy about it at first, but now we wouldn't have it any other way.

Sleep deprivation is life ruinous.

I love my bedroom. It's bliss.

olderbutwiser · 10/01/2025 10:12

Two issues here

he is missing the intimacy, which is valid
he’s responding with sulking and anger, which is not

We both love sleeping separately and are better people for it, but we’ve had to work to make sure we keep the intimacy up - not just dtd, but snuggling and reading in bed together.

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