Is it normal to share this much info at work -or am I AIBU?

Stor78 · 2025-01-09T22:00:04+00:00

I have a colleague at work - a senior middle-aged individual who, by all accounts, isn’t overly friendly with many people. We work together a lot and have a good, respectful relationship. Still, I am often stunned by what he shares with me (for context, City/professional services/stiff environment): 1. about his issues in childhood, 2. estrangement from his father, 3. his financial concerns, 4. he complains that his wife isn’t making much, so it’s all on him. 5 how he can’t go on holiday, and many more things. He will often call when we are WFH, delve into personal subjects, or comment about me. I don’t get it; I wouldn’t share this information with someone from work but only with my closest friends, etc. Maybe this is acceptable in some lines of work, but people at my workplace usually don’t go this deep. I normally just listen, and I am sympathetic, but it’s just so odd and I find it bizarre. Isn’t it or am I being unreasonable?

sweetpickle2 · 09/01/2025 22:02

He fancies you, or he has no idea of boundaries. Either way if you’re not interested in hearing it just tell him the personal stuff makes you uncomfortable and you’d like to keep things professional.

Thistledowner · 09/01/2025 22:04

Is it bothering you? Do you want it to stop?

claudiaswinklemen · 09/01/2025 22:07

I am sat next to the same woman for 8 hours a day. I spend more time with her than DP. We have told each other all sorts over the last year.

Original poster

Stor78 · 09/01/2025 22:10

I can’t just tell him not to talk about it as he’s invaluable at work and goes out of his way to help, so I feel in some way indebted to him. It’s hard to explain. Plus, he’s more senior.
As for bothering me, not extensively. Since he’s so helpful, I am happy to listen, but I find it too odd that he shares these deeply personal matters with me. I don’t do that with him at all. I do offload about the issue at work, but I don’t engage in my personal matters with him.

OP posts:

MellersSmellers · 09/01/2025 22:20

Sounds like he is lonely and doesn't have anyone else to talk these things through with, not even his own wife.
Yes it is unusual to be quite so open, and I'm not sure I would welcome it, but I'm sure he really values having your ear. However, I would be careful about encouraging and be aware of the possibility of emotional entanglement.

MartinCrieffsLemon · 09/01/2025 22:23

Well on MN, yes you never talk to your work colleagues about anything other than work and never see them socially

In reality, you spend hours with them. You will end up sharing things with them. I know all sorts about people at work. They know things about me (some things even the people I live with don't know). We talk.

Just tell him if you don't feel comfortable

comedycentral · 09/01/2025 22:25

It sounds like a really tricky relationship, and I do think he is testing the waters with you romantically, to be honest.
It's hard to take it to HR; if you feel like you can, then ask them for support. If you can't, you might consider deflecting the personal stuff.

"This sounds really personal; do you have a friend or family member you can talk to?"

"This is really outside my experience and sounds distressing for you; you might want to talk to someone more qualified, like a counselor."

Or the very basic, "I'm sorry to hear this, I hope things get easier for you," then change the topic.

BlueMum16 · 09/01/2025 22:29

Stor78 · 09/01/2025 22:10

I can’t just tell him not to talk about it as he’s invaluable at work and goes out of his way to help, so I feel in some way indebted to him. It’s hard to explain. Plus, he’s more senior.
As for bothering me, not extensively. Since he’s so helpful, I am happy to listen, but I find it too odd that he shares these deeply personal matters with me. I don’t do that with him at all. I do offload about the issue at work, but I don’t engage in my personal matters with him.

Often we just find someone we can talk to
For your colleague it's you.

You don't seem too bothered by this. If it helps him and doesn't bother you, what's the issue?

UpSkilling · 09/01/2025 22:32

He sounds lonely, lots of middle aged men are quite isolated.

Nc261224 · 09/01/2025 22:51

Probably just lonely.
Disagree with PP, not every opposite gender colleague is trying it on romantically

CorsicaDreaming · 09/01/2025 22:53

Do you think he could be autistic?

It just reminds me of one of my students this year who over-shared like this and just had no idea of boundaries.

Original poster

Stor78 · 09/01/2025 22:54

MellersSmellers · 09/01/2025 22:20

Sounds like he is lonely and doesn't have anyone else to talk these things through with, not even his own wife.
Yes it is unusual to be quite so open, and I'm not sure I would welcome it, but I'm sure he really values having your ear. However, I would be careful about encouraging and be aware of the possibility of emotional entanglement.

Sorry, what do you mean by emotional entanglement?

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Original poster

Stor78 · 09/01/2025 22:58

BlueMum16 · 09/01/2025 22:29

Often we just find someone we can talk to
For your colleague it's you.

You don't seem too bothered by this. If it helps him and doesn't bother you, what's the issue?

Show quote history

Perhaps because I don’t share hardly anything personal with him, I do offload about work-related issues, but I would never discuss my childhood issues with him. This is so deeply personal.

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Original poster

Stor78 · 09/01/2025 22:59

CorsicaDreaming · 09/01/2025 22:53

Do you think he could be autistic?

It just reminds me of one of my students this year who over-shared like this and just had no idea of boundaries.

No, nothing like that. He’s well respected at work and professional and socially aware.

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username299 · 09/01/2025 23:00

I've known blokes like this. They info dump on women and treat them like unpaid counsellors. I'd tell him I'm not comfortable discussing personal problems at work.

KnightsTemplar00 · 09/01/2025 23:32

Stor78 · 09/01/2025 22:10

I can’t just tell him not to talk about it as he’s invaluable at work and goes out of his way to help, so I feel in some way indebted to him. It’s hard to explain. Plus, he’s more senior.
As for bothering me, not extensively. Since he’s so helpful, I am happy to listen, but I find it too odd that he shares these deeply personal matters with me. I don’t do that with him at all. I do offload about the issue at work, but I don’t engage in my personal matters with him.

Theres a book called how to win friends by dale Carnegie

Basically sometimes some people just want someone to listen , and yes some people may not discuss x topics others prefer to chat about x.

pizzaHeart · 09/01/2025 23:36

I wonder if it’s about you being a good listener. He probably tried a lot of people already and you are the only one who listens him.

By the way people who have ADHD often tend to overshare.

mnreader · 09/01/2025 23:39

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OnlyMothersInTheBuilding · 09/01/2025 23:44

I don't think it's particularly strange or unusual. Maybe a bit lacking in boundaries but certainly not as shocking as you find it. Some people are just very open and see work colleagues as potential friends. Not everyone keeps a strict separation between work and personal life.

I met my best friend at work and we used to share anything and everything when we worked together.

Panbanger · 09/01/2025 23:47

Sorry OP but this is genuinely how I got in to a very very uncomfortable situation at work. Same thing, older more senior colleague, offloading about his life, then wife… etc etc. these people end up making advances. Then you feel so awkward and awful you either put up ad shut up or have to leave.

I’d tread very carefully here and just absolutely shut this whole thing down asap.

do you have a partner? Surely they must think it’s odd too?

Original poster

Stor78 · 10/01/2025 23:55

Panbanger · 09/01/2025 23:47

Sorry OP but this is genuinely how I got in to a very very uncomfortable situation at work. Same thing, older more senior colleague, offloading about his life, then wife… etc etc. these people end up making advances. Then you feel so awkward and awful you either put up ad shut up or have to leave.

I’d tread very carefully here and just absolutely shut this whole thing down asap.

do you have a partner? Surely they must think it’s odd too?

So what did you do in the end?
Well I don’t tell my DH all of it as it’s odd.

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Panbanger · 11/01/2025 11:17

Stor78 · 10/01/2025 23:55

So what did you do in the end?
Well I don’t tell my DH all of it as it’s odd.

Show quote history

I actually left the job in the end. Other colleagues started making rumours of something untoward and he wasn’t doing anything to put anyone right. I didn’t want to ever be seen as that person, especially as he was married.
I was quite a lot younger then and on reflection I should have nipped it in the bud quicker.

Original poster

Stor78 · 11/01/2025 19:27

Panbanger · 11/01/2025 11:17

I actually left the job in the end. Other colleagues started making rumours of something untoward and he wasn’t doing anything to put anyone right. I didn’t want to ever be seen as that person, especially as he was married.
I was quite a lot younger then and on reflection I should have nipped it in the bud quicker.

Show quote history

Sorry to that and thank you for sharing.

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WindsurfingDreams · 15/01/2025 17:19

I found older /middle aged men used to overshare with me a lot when I was in my twenties and very (looking back) attractive. They particularly liked to moan about their wives.

Doesn't happen any more now I am disabled and chubby and middle aged

I just kept my boundaries up, didn't engage, stayed professional and polite and got on with my job. Eventually they moved on to more susceptible options

Onlycoffee · 15/01/2025 18:15

Do you notice it happening in other situations? I have found over the years that people in all sorts of situations who spend more than a few minutes with me tell me all sorts of personal things. Colleagues, workmen in the house, postman, Tesco delivery drivers, osteopath, people sat near me on trains and in cafes, dentist, my kid's friends, it's absolutely crazy. I could write a book with all the weird and wonderful secrets people tell me!