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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel my time and work was disrespected by her letting me down

48 replies

snowawaypls · 09/01/2025 21:09

My car was booked in for a service today. I'm temporarily living with my mum (I'm 25 and pay her rent) and she lives rurally, where there is no public transport. None of my friends live near my mum. So my only way to get back home once I dropped my car off was for her to pick me up. We agreed that today would suit us both - the car was to be dropped off at 8.30am when the garage opened, then picked up again this afternoon after I'd finished work. She was aware that it needed to be dropped off at 8.30am. It takes about 25 minutes to drive to the garage, and we have heavy snow in our area so would take longer.

Last night she messaged me 'what time do you want to leave in the morning?' I replied '8am'. Whatsapp shows she read the message 2 minutes after I sent it.

This morning I admittedly wasn't ready to go until 8.10am, however at that point I went to her bedroom door to ask if she was nearly ready. She called back, slightly annoyed, that she was in the shower (ensuite). I said 'but we were supposed to leave at 8am'. She replied that she'd only seen that message this morning (which wasn't true), and that the garage wouldn't care if we were a bit later, to which I pointed out that I had to be at work. She said 'aren't you working from home?' and I said yes, but that I still have to be online by 10am. She shouted something else back, annoyed.

I then asked my younger brother if he would be able to collect me instead, but he said he wasn't confident driving in the snow. I needed the car serviced as my MOT is booked for next week so I was stuck for options. My mum appeared downstairs at 8.50am and brightly said, 'morning!' as though nothing was wrong. I expressed my annoyance with her and how she'd treated me, and she basically said I was being totally unreasonable.

We left at 8.55am, got there at 9.30am and I ended up being 10 minutes late to log back on at 10.11am. I had to text my manager while my mum was driving us back home and I was stressed about being late. At no point did my mum apologise for any of this.

AIBU to think this wasn't a good way for her to treat me? Why bother asking me what time I wanted to leave if she was going to do her own thing anyway?

OP posts:
Magamaga · 09/01/2025 21:13

You should have talked to her in person and fully communicated the situation and thanked her . She was doing you a favour and giving up an hour of her time to help you.

Original poster
snowawaypls · 09/01/2025 21:16

Magamaga · 09/01/2025 21:13

You should have talked to her in person and fully communicated the situation and thanked her . She was doing you a favour and giving up an hour of her time to help you.

We did talk about it in advance. She's known for a week and a half that it needed to be dropped off at 8.30am, that I would be working from home as otherwise I wouldn't make it into the office in time, and she knows generally that I have to be in the office or online by 10am.

She was the one who offered to help me out by dropping me off.

OP posts:
ForPearlViper · 09/01/2025 21:18

Just to be clear. You live in the same house? Why are you messaging?

If she generally gets up later, but is on this on occasion getting up to do you a favour, couldn't you have, say, brought her a cup of tea before the time you needed her to get up?

And if you are setting someone else a deadline, make sure you are ready before it.

Rocksaltrita · 09/01/2025 21:20

Seems odd for her to make you late. Not the actions of a nice person who has offered to help!

Strawberrysaucee · 09/01/2025 21:23

Seems she thought she didn't need to rush because you were working from home and it wouldn't matter if you were a bit late.

I work from home and encounter this quite a lot - often asked to baby sit/pet sit very short notice/do a lift/pick something up/insert any reason here. I have to really remind people that I am still working and still have hours I need to do.

Shinyandnew1 · 09/01/2025 21:34

I think you need to communicate in a specific and timely way in person when you are expecting favours.

Whaleandsnail6 · 09/01/2025 21:44

But you werent ready on time either! Seems a bit hypocritical to be so annoyed that she wasnt ready to go at 8 like you said, but you werent either.

Unfortunately, its one of those stressful situations. Its crap being late but its done now.

devastatedagain · 09/01/2025 21:46

Remember this when she asks YOU for a lift anywhere.

purpleme12 · 09/01/2025 21:47

Yes it would annoy me

But if it was a one off thing being late for work, try let it go

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 09/01/2025 21:56

Why are you having the conversation via text when you live together?

Why did you need to wait for her to leave? Why didn't you leave at 8:10 and she follow on when she was ready? Then you could've got the car booked in before she arrived rather than an hour later?

And finally, why are you booking in a service and MOT separately? Why not get them done at the same time? Having separate appointments for a service and an MOT is madness! Surely you will just have to go through all this again next week when you have your MOT?

KarmenPQZ · 09/01/2025 22:00

She might not have read it… she might have left what’s app open and gone to sleep. So her phone registered as read it when she didn’t.

ultimately you were only 10 mins late for work so nothing to get too stressed about if it was indeed a one off and snow and car issues to sort your manager would understand. If you’re frequently late the. It’s on you as you were already 10 mins late at 8am - if you’d have asked your mum then then maybe she’d have been 10 mins earlier.

knittedosocks · 10/01/2025 11:36

If she's your mum you must know what she's like.
I know exactly who I can rely on to be on time and who will inevitably be late.
I just say 15 minutes earlier to the late lot.

There's no good talking about not feeling respected. It is what it is and you can't change people, so just change the times you tell them or arrange things so that you don't need their help.
Their help is on condition that you whatever time you tell them, it will run late, so act accordingly.

Anotherfrozenpizzafortea · 10/01/2025 11:44

You don't need a service before an MOT, most garages will barely glance at anything likely to be checked on an MOT whilst undertaking a service. New Oil and filters don't affect the integrity of a car...

MereDintofPandiculation · 10/01/2025 11:50

Anotherfrozenpizzafortea · 10/01/2025 11:44

You don't need a service before an MOT, most garages will barely glance at anything likely to be checked on an MOT whilst undertaking a service. New Oil and filters don't affect the integrity of a car...

But why wouldn't you do the annual service at the same time as the MOT? Garage MOTs the car, finds out what needs to be done, adds them to the service, does the whole lot, re-MOTs, car passes, no more garage visits for a year.

OP - next time use a garage with a collection service or a courtesy car? Or if you are using a no-frills garage because of the low price, hire a car for the day or use a taxi?

Agix · 10/01/2025 11:50

Does she do similar often?

My mums like this. No one else's time is more important than her own. Her whims override other people's needs. She will says she'll do something, forget about it/just not turn up, then act like everythings fine. And you're the villain if you complain because she offered as a favour because she's SO kind and you're SO ungrateful... Not a thought to how that favour has turned into a massive obstruction or hardship because she didnt actually follow through on the favour/tske it seriously /be on bloody time.

The proof is in the pudding. Saying you'll help someone and then actually hindering them and making things harder is not generous. It's awful.

I've learned not to rely on my mum at all. Perhaps you need to learn the same.

MrsPinkSky · 10/01/2025 11:58

Too much messaging and not enough talking I think.

I would've made her a cup of tea at whatever time she needed to be up and reminded her what time we needed to leave.

Also, I'd expect a tiny bit of leeway from my employer considering the situation and the snow.

Octavia64 · 10/01/2025 12:01

Firstly you absolutely don't need a service before an MOT.

Secondly if there was a lot of snow and ice on the roads and your brother wouldn't drive then really your mum was doing you a big favour

You should have been ready on time. Your mum was late but if you were late she might have assumed that the time you have no longer applied.

If you need her to do a favour and say meet at time X you do really need to be ready at time X.

araiwa · 10/01/2025 12:03

Yes your mum was useless

No idea why people are trying to excuse her

Remember this next time she asks you for help

FamilyPhoto · 10/01/2025 12:09

@snowawaypls does your mum work ?
I still work but a lot of my friends are retired and its a thing that they seem to stop realising that when you work you have to do so at set times, not times that suit other people.

ThePoshUns · 10/01/2025 12:55

So you were 10 minutes late logging on? Not sure why you're making such a drama out of all this.

blobby10 · 10/01/2025 13:02

My mum used to be liked this - absolutely no concept of travel time or needing to be at work for a specific time. She was a stay at home mum in the 70s and 80s so never had to be in an office for a specific time so I guess it never dawned on her how important it is. She was always late for her own appointments too

pikkumyy77 · 10/01/2025 13:05

Rocksaltrita · 09/01/2025 21:20

Seems odd for her to make you late. Not the actions of a nice person who has offered to help!

This. She is definitely showing her contempt for you and your work needs. The errand/favour was not the issue. She had agreed to it. She deliberately made you late for work.

Spirallingdownwards · 10/01/2025 13:07

So you were driving your car there and she hers. So you could still get the car there on time by leaving and then waiting at the garage for your mum. 10 minutes late logging on - yes annoying but you tell your boss you can make it up at wfh lunchtime.

Like everyone else I book a service and MOT at the same time. This allows for any minor issues to be sorted before the test so it passes.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 10/01/2025 13:10

@snowawaypls there was nothing to stop you from going to the garage and waiting for your mum to arrive to take you home! your car could have been in on time!

MJconfessions · 10/01/2025 13:15

My dad used to pull shit like this. We would agree to leave the house at X time, so I could get a train or coach at Y time.

He would always faff around in the morning and not leave until Y time. It was completely disrespectful of my time, where he felt my commitments like work were pointless and being late and getting in trouble didn’t matter. I stopped asking him for anything. He then used to guilt trip me for booking taxis or Ubers to try and wear me down into letting him drop me off to spend time together.

as you can imagine I moved out and cut contact completely.