To feel my time and work was disrespected by her letting me down

[snowawaypls]

My car was booked in for a service today. I'm temporarily living with my mum (I'm 25 and pay her rent) and she lives rurally, where there is no public transport. None of my friends live near my mum. So my only way to get back home once I dropped my car off was for her to pick me up. We agreed that today would suit us both - the car was to be dropped off at 8.30am when the garage opened, then picked up again this afternoon after I'd finished work. She was aware that it needed to be dropped off at 8.30am. It takes about 25 minutes to drive to the garage, and we have heavy snow in our area so would take longer.

Last night she messaged me 'what time do you want to leave in the morning?' I replied '8am'. Whatsapp shows she read the message 2 minutes after I sent it.

This morning I admittedly wasn't ready to go until 8.10am, however at that point I went to her bedroom door to ask if she was nearly ready. She called back, slightly annoyed, that she was in the shower (ensuite). I said 'but we were supposed to leave at 8am'. She replied that she'd only seen that message this morning (which wasn't true), and that the garage wouldn't care if we were a bit later, to which I pointed out that I had to be at work. She said 'aren't you working from home?' and I said yes, but that I still have to be online by 10am. She shouted something else back, annoyed.

I then asked my younger brother if he would be able to collect me instead, but he said he wasn't confident driving in the snow. I needed the car serviced as my MOT is booked for next week so I was stuck for options. My mum appeared downstairs at 8.50am and brightly said, 'morning!' as though nothing was wrong. I expressed my annoyance with her and how she'd treated me, and she basically said I was being totally unreasonable.

We left at 8.55am, got there at 9.30am and I ended up being 10 minutes late to log back on at 10.11am. I had to text my manager while my mum was driving us back home and I was stressed about being late. At no point did my mum apologise for any of this.

AIBU to think this wasn't a good way for her to treat me? Why bother asking me what time I wanted to leave if she was going to do her own thing anyway?

Because some jobs being late really affects stuff
If I am late twice I lose my entire commission for the month. Unless it's something that affects everyone like an accident on the motorway etc

Pay for a taxi !!

if someone, anyone is doing you a favour you generally work on their terms.
If you want to work on your terms, pay for the service.

or if your mum agrees to things like this, but you know she has an issue with time keeping, (like mother like daughter by the sounds of things!) then you should have spoken to her at 7am when you were bothered getting ready.

it’s the art of communication! Especially if you’re under the same roof!

Disrepected? No, inconvenienced- yes... Lessons learnt- next time have a chat to confirm arrangements in person the day before (text after bedtime doesn't cut it even if you've spoken about it previously), be ready on time (if you're not ready on time it communicates that you're not that bothered about the timings so others will be relaxed about it too) and that 10 minutes after departure time is a bit late to start chasing people (if you know how long it normally takes someone to get up/ get ready give them a knock to say a friendly good morning, ask if they'd like you to make them a cuppa and remind them it's garage day, if there's no sign of life/action don't leave it until after you're due to leave before doing anything about it). Some people are super reliable with timings, some not. Next time know it's unlikely that your mum is going to be stood by the door waiting for you on the dot of departure time, but is very happy to help out if she can. So next time base your plans on that understanding. It's your appointment, you're responsible for making the plan to get there, and for managing it so that it happens as you'd like it to- be proactive, don't just say 'I spoke to them last week' then leave it and blame someone else when it doesn't go to plan...

Now you are 25 for insurance purposes, you can book your car in for service & MOT on same day at a garage which can offer a courtesy car.

Seriously Can’t believe how people are jumping to excuse the ops mum. It’s as if as soon as children reach adulthood they should have no expectation of support or favours by their parents. I’d never treat my adult child like this, if they’d asked for a lift and I knew the time I’d set my alarm too, if we had both slept in I’d miss the shower and jump in the car, if I was late enough that caused her to be late for work I’d apologise. Do people just not care about their children once they’re in their 20s? I’d find that hurtful if that happened to me at that age, young adults still need support at times.

OPs Mum out of order ans has no respect for OP - she wouldn't do that to her friend for e,g I bet

Why don't you combine the service and MOT ?

You were late too. Tbh I can see why your mother then thought, maybe this isn't that important after all. You both appear to have a bit of an attitude problem. Your mum was doing you a favour which she didn't have to do. A minimum 50 minute round-trip in the snow is no little thing to do for someone. I dislike the word but you come across as a little entitled just to be expecting her to do this on your terms. On the other hand, it would be nice if she had hurried a bit once you said that you really had to go.

In your position, had I been serious about leaving at 8am, I would have been ready myself and have made sure everyone was awake and getting ready at 7.30am at the latest.

How is living together going in general? I get the impression that you're making getting on each other's nerves.

You live in the same house yet communicate via WhatsApp

You should have spoken face to face like adults to plan it ,

after reading most of these replies I’m starting to think I’m the only person who actually read OP replies and post , she quite literally said she had spoken to her mother in person and made arrangement So stop telling her she shouldn’t of text and should’ve spoken to her , next her mother text her first and asked a question and then didn’t read the reply , I find that hard to believe , also what is with the opinion that if you made arrangements with someone you’re on their time and they can make you late for work , absolutely not , if I have made arrangements I makes sure I’m on time and stick to my end , one poster is calling you entitled for being upset your mum made you late , she’s ridiculous and quite clearly doesn’t understand “entitled “ . So your mum has a flip flop brain as I like to call it , she’s flakey and she’s late and everything is done in her own time regardless of other people’s time restrains , I would say take the lesson from this and arrange someone else next time .

I’m on the mums side here! If you don’t need to be logged on until 10 then she probably thought leaving just before 9 would give OP enough time, and OP hadn’t stuck to the original time she suggested giving the indication this wasn’t set in stone and there was some flexibility. I think it’s rude for OP to be ungrateful and annoyed at her mum when her mum is getting up earlier than usual, I assume, to drive for an hour in the snow. I imagine that 10 mins late logging on (given there was a reason) wasn't actually a huge deal.

Genuine question. How respectful are you of your mum’s requests to help her out with food shopping, cooking and cleaning and doing all of the chores around the home where you are living op? Do you participate fully and enthusiastically in all of those things?

I’m not saying that your mum wasn’t wrong to be late for your appointment but have you balanced that against everything she is doing letting you live at home? Are you paying a full rental rate?

One solution is to move somewhere where you can access services like the garage more easily and not have to rely on others?

There was nothing to stop you taking your car in for the appointment on time and waiting there for your mum - she didn't need to leave at the same time as you in order for you to drop your car off on time.

You yourself were running late - that's not your mum's problem.

You could have let work know that you needed to drop your car off and might be a little late back to log on.

She may have left whatsapp open after sending you the message, so your reply appeared read when she hadn't seen it come through.

Your mum did you a favour and doesn't have anything to apologise for - you need to grow up a bit. You say you are 25 but talk as though you are 12 "my time and work was disrespected" FFS.

I really struggle to be ready on time but if I agree to do someone a favour that needs to be done at a certain time then, while I might expect them to forgive a minor delay, I'd feel terrible if I was a whole hour late and made them late for work, especially if I had agreed on which day together as you did. I would definitely have apologised. The way I see it is what's the point in offering to do a favour if you're just going cause problems for the other person, how is that helpful. I believe my family should be able to rely on me from time to time and vice versa.

There's no need to twist into something such as "disrespecting your time and work". You sound like a stroppy teenager.

well, i would say if you need to do something at a particular time and you need someone's help to do that you need to talk about it face to face. Not that teenage-style "yes but she had read it" nonsense.

You were late. She probably thought you were relaxed about timing.

etc etc

Talk more, text less. And maybe look into moving out?

after reading most of these replies I’m starting to think I’m the only person who actually read OP replies and post , she quite literally said she had spoken to her mother in person and made arrangement So stop telling her she shouldn’t of text and should’ve spoken to her ,

no. They had made half an arrangement. the mum knew the car needed to be there at 8:30 but they hadn't fixed a time to leave.

In general people need to talk a lot more. If OP knows her mum may be like this, then she needs to be very clear in advance about timings. But how is her mum the bad guy here when OP wasn't ready on time herself? if you are leaving at 8 for arrival at 8:30 - 10 minutes late is a third of the travel time. Bonkers.

Given the weather the garage may have been ok with a later arrival (although i always allow more time for winter driving so i can be on time) likewise her work

‘My time and work were disrespected’ is putting it a bit strongly! Sounds as if your mum is either disorganised or fed up. You must have known she’d need a wake up call, literally! Don’t ask her again without helping her get out on time.

Well, if you don't like the way your mum does you a favour, don't ask her for favours in the future.

You're a big, grown up girl now. Time to move out and time to be responsible for your own adult tasks without having to ask for Mummy's help. You could have driven to the garage and got a taxi back? Why did that not occur to you? Or taken your laptop and worked in a cafe whilst waiting for your car to be serviced and then driven yourself back in your lunch hour/after work? Why were you expecting your mum to run you around like a teenager in the first place? And then complaining that the favour that your mum did you, that she didn't have to do in the first place, wasn't done to your satisfaction!

You'll never be right @snowawaypls as the adult child still living at home. But yes, I think your mum was in the wrong to agree to a plan and then basically fuck it all up.

Do I think you could've probably gone on your own? Yes. Does that matter now? Of course not.

It's annoying but it was still a favour.

Did you offer her petrol money?

If I had to get up early to drive an adult child I would appreciate being woken with a smile and a cuppa not banging on the door hurrying me along

So funnny. If the Op were the parent here no one would have any trouble describing her mother’s behavior as disrespectful. Its because mumsnet is very authoritarian when it comes to family relationships—esp when adult children are living at home still. Deference and respect are only to flow upwards (barring extreme abuse or extremely inappropriate behavior from superior to inferior).

I don't think that's entirely true. Of course respect should flow both ways. But I am regularly agog at the things Mumsnet do for their adult children which is in no way reciprocated! Nor do many adult parents expect their adult DC to reciprocate in kind. (Although a bit of help with chores would be nice!) Our reward is seeing our DC go on to live a good life and thrive in ways that makes them happy and fulfilled. We want very little back in return.

Also, if you have parented for 25 years or so, and have combined cleaning, food shopping, cooking, laundry bedtimes, the school run, and extra curricular stuff with a full time job, wiped everyone's bum so to speak, nursed everyone through teenage years, and you finally get to a point where everyone has left home to study, and you get to put some of your own needs first for the very first time in a long while, it IS hard when adult DC come to live back home. I don't know why we have to be so apologetic about saying it!

To have to go back to all of the regular housekeeping tasks but now for adults sharing your space but often not contributing much on the domestic front can make you feel very disrespected as a parent.

It's not wrong to want a bit of a break from parenting after a quarter of a century doing it! Especially if you are looking after elderly parents too.

There seems to be an entire narrative currently on sm which seeps in to RL life nowadays which basically can be summarised as "let's focus on all the ways in which our parents slighted us or screwed up". With little equal balancing rhetoric about all the ways parents have gone out of their way to help and support!

Of course there are dreadful, neglectful, selfish, abusive parents out there, who do not deserve to have the privilege of children, but speaking very generally, from what I have observed, my generation have parented more intensively and with more thought and care about our children's emotional wellbeing than our parents ever did in the seventies when we were raised with benign neglect.

Sorry for the rant! It's not directed specifically at you op! It's just I get a bit annoyed at the "you can't win if you are an adult child living at home" narrative!

My DH and I had zero to about one third of the support from our parents in comparison to the support we have willingly given, and are still still giving, our adult DC.

Sorry to sound blunt but if adult DC are not happy with the standard of help that their parents offer them, then either don't involve them in tasks that are their responsibility, or go elsewhere!

I think that is a bit of a misread of the op. This doesn’t fall under the heading of gratitude/ingratitude it is more like respect/disrespect for agreements among flat mates. For all we know op’s payments make it possible for the mother to keep her house. This is not necessarily OP asking for an endless stream of unreciprocated favours.

I currently have one 25 year old at home and one 27 year old fully launched so Im not unfamiliar with the potential problem. But I also wouldn’t jerk anyone around when i had agreed to help them with a task.