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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my adult daughter has a operation tommorow and i fly to italy for day trip is this wrong?

32 replies

PlumBeaker · 09/01/2025 18:32

hi
i have just found out my adult daughter 24 has a operation tommorow to remove fluid from her head, im due to fly to italy on a day trip, the hospital doesnt allow visitors and she and partner have said to go but i cant help feel guilty even though i cant do anything other then wait at home,would it be unreasonable to go?

OP posts:
Original poster
PlumBeaker · 09/01/2025 18:33

thankyou

OP posts:
PullTheBricksDown · 09/01/2025 18:34

What's your day trip to Italy for? Is this from the UK?

Mooselooseinmyhoose · 09/01/2025 18:35

Of course its not unreasonable. She's an adult. She's told you to go. You couldn't be at the hospital anyway and you'll be back same day. You may worry too much to enjoy the trip but there is no reason not to go!

Strawberryfruitcorner · 09/01/2025 18:35

It’s just a day trip, most of the day she’ll be busy having the op and she also has a partner to take care of her so I think you’re fine to go 😊

mummylove24 · 09/01/2025 18:38

If I was in your situation I wouldn’t go, I’d be anxious the whole trip anyway x

Createausername1970 · 09/01/2025 18:39

If you booked it knowing she had an op on the same day that would be a little bit uncaring perhaps.

But she hasn't told you about it until now and has told you to go on your trip.

If you don't go you are going to be sat at home worrying and fridge picking. So you can still worry, but with nicer views and nicer food.

Bodybutterblusher · 09/01/2025 18:42

I would go. There is no logical reason not to.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 09/01/2025 18:43

Is she having brain surgery? I wouldn't be going anywhere, op, just because you can't be on the ward doesn't mean you can't be around. At the hospital, at her house preparing things, providing support x

Fargo79 · 09/01/2025 18:57

I wouldn't go. I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself for a start, and would want to be around in case of any complications. Like @mumofoneAlonebutokay says, there's a lot of support you could offer without having to physically be on the ward.

RickiRaccoon · 09/01/2025 19:00

If you'd already booked it and the operation is considered minor, it's fine. When I've been in hospital, I haven't expected everyone to drop everything to be on standby in case something goes wrong.

YouveGotAFastCar · 09/01/2025 19:01

The daughter has chosen who she wants at the hospital… I’m not sure people should encourage her to hang around other parts of it. I’d hate that, even if it was well meaning.

I’d go, as she’s encouraged you to, and her opinion is the one that counts.

Nextyearhopes · 09/01/2025 19:03

I wouldn’t be going. Are you honestly going to enjoy it? 24 is young and her legal next of kin is her parents.

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 09/01/2025 19:06

I don’t think it’s wrong to go if that’s what you want because she’s not on her own and has told you to go. Personally I wouldn’t go because I wouldn’t be able to enjoy it. It’s up to you whether you think going on the trip is still worth it.

LightCameraBitchSmile · 09/01/2025 19:10

The issue is the flying for a day trip! The world is literally on fire

superplumb · 09/01/2025 19:13

I wouldn't go. Wouldn't say it was wrong to go but I'd be worried so it would be a wasted trip.

MajorCarolDanvers · 09/01/2025 19:15

Absolutely go. You can’t do anything to help by staying at home and it might help keep your mind occupied.

Ilovethatbear · 09/01/2025 19:16

I wouldn’t bother going as I would be too anxious and worried, it would ruin my trip.

RawBloomers · 09/01/2025 19:18

How serious is the operation, OP? Is it a particularly risky operation or a common one where she’s as likely to be hit by a car on the way to the hospital as to have something bad happen after?

And is this for a condition you already knew about or is this all a revelation you need time to get your head around?

If it’s a routine operation, there’s nothing you could do here anyway, and you’re only going for a day trip, I would probably still go. I would find it a good distraction, though I think it’s fine to think you’d be too worried to enjoy it and stay home instead.

If it’s risky, or if it’s needed because of a new or unknown condition where you don’t really know all the ins and outs, I’d probably not go. And if there was something I could do that would be useful, I’d stay and do that instead.

ocdisrubbish · 09/01/2025 19:19

I don’t think there’s a wrong choice but personally I wouldn’t go, brain surgery isn’t exactly minor and I’d want to be there in case any complications arose. But I suppose you know the cause of your DD’s conditions so can judge that risk better than us?

Choccyscofffy · 09/01/2025 19:20

Is it a straightforward procedure and low risk?

If you’re not allowed in there’s not much you can do so I’d go on the trip.

Plumbeake · 09/01/2025 19:28

Thankyou everyone for your replies
It was just a trip to bergamo for the day and a short flight booked months ago. We only found out this was happening today. Nobody is allowed in the hospital at all no visitors and she will be back the same day. Maybe I will consider going as she is adamant I should especially as she collects snowglobes. Many thanks everyone

Adamante · 09/01/2025 19:30

There's no way I would go but I wouldn't judge anyone who did. There's no real reason not to but I would just want to be close by.

thesaskedminger · 09/01/2025 19:30

I thought you couldn't name change on threads anymore?

OurDreamLife · 09/01/2025 19:30

I had surgery on my own over the summer on no family were allowed to be there anyway. Just keep in contact and make sure you check in and visit asap after. It hurt me that my mum didn’t think to.

ocdisrubbish · 09/01/2025 19:31

Plumbeake · 09/01/2025 19:28

Thankyou everyone for your replies
It was just a trip to bergamo for the day and a short flight booked months ago. We only found out this was happening today. Nobody is allowed in the hospital at all no visitors and she will be back the same day. Maybe I will consider going as she is adamant I should especially as she collects snowglobes. Many thanks everyone

Best wishes to your DD op