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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say this is selfish from my friend ?

75 replies

runallthewayhome · 09/01/2025 12:44

we had already arranged to go out saturday night
she has then asked me what I am doing saturday day and if I will go out all day with her
she has then asked me what I am doing friday night (I know her, the 'what are you doing' was leading up to asking me to do something. It always is).

I have DH & DC at home. She knows that.

AIBU to say I think she is being selfish asking me to spend friday night, all day saturday and saturday night with her ?

I work FT M-F

Please no one say that I should think it's a compliment that she thought of me when she was thinking who should she spend her free time with, She is looking for someone/anyone.

OP posts:
CollectedStories · 09/01/2025 13:08

OhBling · 09/01/2025 12:59

I think youbarr being ridiculous and I can only assume there are other issue with this friend.

She asked, you said no. No big deal. I could totally imagine a friend suggesting this to me if she was free (or me if I was- but I never am!) But totally understanding if it's not possible.

Yes, I think the OP's response is odder than the question from her friend -- I can easily imagine a friend suggesting I come to something in her town, and then, because I'm the one travelling, suggesting adding things to make the trip more 'worthwhile'.

A friend has suggested I come to her local cinema to see an opera relay from the Met, and has suggested I come early in the day for the local farmer's market and lunch, then the late afternoon-evening opera and then having a drink and dinner and stay over (because the last train leaves very early). I've said yes, great.

I also have a FT job and am married with a child. That doesn't mean I want to spend all weekend every weekend glued to DH and DS.

The OP doesn't want to do what her friend suggests, which is fine, but it's a bit mad to suggest that it was some kind of elaborately selfish act to issue the invitation/s.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/01/2025 13:08

So no I don’t think bizarre at all!

Original poster
runallthewayhome · 09/01/2025 13:11

@OhBling I see this friend quite a bit. She lives in the next street ! There are no special events on the friday eve and saturday day she's mentioned. I am not aware she is going through anything emotional or similar.

Yes, if it was special events that happened to fall on consecutive days then I get that and yes I would go.

Again, just bizarre of her to ask for random do nothing type days/events

OP posts:
OhBling · 09/01/2025 13:12

Okay, whatever. You think it's bizarre, most of us on this thread don't. But I'd say if you think her asking is selfish then perhaps you'r enot as good a friend to each other as you think.

CollectedStories · 09/01/2025 13:15

runallthewayhome · 09/01/2025 13:11

@OhBling I see this friend quite a bit. She lives in the next street ! There are no special events on the friday eve and saturday day she's mentioned. I am not aware she is going through anything emotional or similar.

Yes, if it was special events that happened to fall on consecutive days then I get that and yes I would go.

Again, just bizarre of her to ask for random do nothing type days/events

So what's your issue? She asked. You said no. You're presumably still going on the original night out, which you agreed to, and will enjoy?

Datafan55 · 09/01/2025 13:15

after me working all week, dropping off//picking up at 3 schools every day, running the house and doing long hours

Maybe she thinks you might like to get away from all your responsibilities/give DH a chance to share the load.

Ineedaholidayyyy · 09/01/2025 13:16

I know you said she has children, but does she have a partner/husband? She could be lonely or feeling down , or just a sociable person who likes to spend time with friends.

You sound like you are annoyed about it but no I wouldn't say it's selfish, or bizarre as you keep saying, unless she asks you every week and makes you feel bad for saying no.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 09/01/2025 13:19

Seems fairly simple.

DH and I have a date night planned [netflix on the sofa counts]
DH is heading out with friends and I'm planning a bath and defoliation session
The usual - emptying the weeks detritus from school bags, answering school notes and getting the laundry on so I have some time to myself on Sunday.
Not sure yet - you know me though, I can only cope with one social occasion a week. Looking forward to seeing you.
Physio, gym, escorting kids to various activities, checking in with elderly parents, supermarket shopping.

If it's irritating you that she's this needy, just make it clear you can only make so much time in your life for her.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 09/01/2025 13:20

Of course it's not selfish of you to say no. You are spending Saturday night with her which is great. You can perfectly well say that you want/need to spend the rest of the weekend with your family, it's not a crime.
It's also not selfish of her to ask, because you can say no.

Nevergettheusername · 09/01/2025 13:26

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 09/01/2025 13:20

Of course it's not selfish of you to say no. You are spending Saturday night with her which is great. You can perfectly well say that you want/need to spend the rest of the weekend with your family, it's not a crime.
It's also not selfish of her to ask, because you can say no.

Edited

Yes, I’m wondering that if when things irritate us so much it’s because we are feeling an underlying sense of obligation and are annoyed about feeling that, rather than being sure our boundaries are good for us and having no problem exercising them.

there is no obligation, friend is responsible for self. She can ask, and you can say no

it’s ok to put your family first

HeeleighWay · 09/01/2025 13:30

Selfish is a stretch. Short sighted yes. Ignorant probably.

nodramaplz · 09/01/2025 13:39

Anyone can ask you anything!
It's up to you what your response is. You can always say no.

InfoSecInTheCity · 09/01/2025 13:40

She's asked you if you are free not issued an edict demanding that you entertain her. For goodness sake, you sound like hard work and like you are easily offended OP.

nodramaplz · 09/01/2025 13:41

runallthewayhome · 09/01/2025 12:56

@Reetpetitenot yes it is the end. I just cannot fathom how my friend thinks I would want to drop my family for her all the time/not see my family to go out with her all the time.

or is it indeed selfish. She is clearly at a lose end on these days/eves and wants company, regardless.

She's asking you, not assuming!
I don't think I'd like to have you as a friend!
You don't display friend qualities.

nellythe · 09/01/2025 13:42

ForZanyAquaViewer · 09/01/2025 13:01

Every day, a poster on MN finds something new and creative to take offence to. It’s actually quite inspiring.

Yup. “Selfish” 😂

MartinCrieffsLemon · 09/01/2025 13:51

It's not selfish to ask someone of they are free 🤣

Not everyone is chained to their family and does spend a weekend away from them at times

BlueSky2024 · 09/01/2025 13:57

I think it’s strange, I would hate to be put in the position of frequently having to say no because she is so needy / bored

She must be extremely organised if she can frequently spend huge huge chunks of the weekend socialising, good for her if she is but not everyone is the same and most people also need some downtime at the weekend to recharge for the week ahead, If I have a really social weekend I sometimes feel like I have had no weekend at all

Fluufer · 09/01/2025 13:57

What an odd thing to get upset about. I fairly often spend an entire weekend with friends. Just say no if you don't want to.

Lavenderblossoms · 09/01/2025 14:00

Sorry but you sound like you've got a stick up your butt. Why is your time anymore precious than hers?

Just say no, lay boundaries and stick to them. She's not selfish, she's just not thinking the same way you do. Most of us don't think the same way do we? But you're sounding rather petulant here. Just tell her you have other things to do and only have time for your arrangement. It doesn't need to be this serious.

Original poster
runallthewayhome · 09/01/2025 14:11

@BlueSky2024 I think it’s strange, I would hate to be put in the position of frequently having to say no because she is so needy / bored
She must be extremely organised if she can frequently spend huge huge chunks of the weekend socialising, good for her if she is but not everyone is the same and most people also need some downtime at the weekend to recharge for the week ahead, If I have a really social weekend I sometimes feel like I have had no weekend at all

this, totally.

She would happily spend all weekend socialising. Whereas I need downtime from the busy working week, time to plan/organise, see my sisters and elderly parents, spend time with DH & DC, sort my house, stock the house with food, exercise, chill etc. I am the same in that if I am out out all weekend then I feel like I have had no weekend what so ever.

OP posts:
lovelysunshine22 · 09/01/2025 14:12

I have a friend like this who cannot be alone and has absolutely no idea how annoying her neediness is!

BrightonFrock · 09/01/2025 14:14

Again, just bizarre of her to ask for random do nothing type days/events

I don’t know why you’ve posted when you’ve already decided this. Just hoping we’d all jump on the bandwagon and agree your friend is selfish, pathetic and obviously doesn’t love her family the way you do?

Please no one say that I should think it's a compliment that she thought of me when she was thinking who should she spend her free time with, She is looking for someone/anyone.

Just show her this. Once she knows what you really think of her, I imagine it will be a case of “problem solved”.

LostittoBostik · 09/01/2025 14:16

She's lonely, is aware she's got nobody to spend her time with all weekend except your sat night plans.

That doesn't mean you have to say yes. Just say no, sorry, you have plans with your DH and DC.

Don't punish her for being single. She's not being selfish. Just make sure you don't feel obligated to spend more time with her at the expense of your family - you do not have to do that

LostittoBostik · 09/01/2025 14:17

runallthewayhome · 09/01/2025 12:51

I've said a firm no !

I just cannot fathom how she thinks that after me working all week, dropping off//picking up at 3 schools every day, running the house and doing long hours (she knows all this) that she thinks I don't want to see my DH or DC at the w/e and I would happily drop my family to spend all my time with her.

You really can't fathom that? You really can't understand that ( presumably)with absolutely no other obligations or ties, she has ZERO idea how over committed you are and that your time is not your own?
If so, you're as blinkered as she is.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/01/2025 15:27

Nevergettheusername · 09/01/2025 13:26

Yes, I’m wondering that if when things irritate us so much it’s because we are feeling an underlying sense of obligation and are annoyed about feeling that, rather than being sure our boundaries are good for us and having no problem exercising them.

there is no obligation, friend is responsible for self. She can ask, and you can say no

it’s ok to put your family first

Show quote history

The world seems to be split into two camps-

  1. those who think it’s fine to ask and fine to refuse
  2. those who thing anyone wanting to ask for a favour/ a change of plan/ any other sort of arrangement should try to work out if it’s going to be convenient first.

I think 1 is broadly right unless it’s something plainly ridiculous or cheeky. But of course people need to take no for an answer!