“I just did it to teach you a lesson.” AIBU??

[Floy]

When I was 17, my drunken mother came into my bedroom and started hitting me. She ordered me to tidy my very messy bedroom and gave me half an hour to do it or me and my belongings would be out. I started tidying but mum then came in some 5 mins later and decided to throw me out anyway - shouting and ranting all the way.

When she realised a few years later that I’d been telling third parties how much this had affected me - she said

“I did it to teach you a lesson.”

AIBU to think this is abusive ? I mean the above sentence is a classic playground bully line, surely ?

Also, a parent of a 17 year old shouldn’t be obviously visibly drunk on an ordinary Saturday midday - maybe excepting a New Years Eve party or similar

Of course it was abusive. I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that. I hope you've managed to live your life well despite her inability to be a good parent. I assume your dad was either out of the picture, on her side, or incapable of standing up to her at the time?

Did she even explain what lesson? Is she sober now, are you still in contact with her?

I wouldn't focus as much on whether or not she should have been drunk, plenty of parents drink around their children without being total assholes, more on the fact that she obviously didn't regret her decision until it reflected badly on her (and even then she doesn't say she regrets doing it).

Yes it's abusive. Without a doubt. I'm sorry you went through that, I've had similar.

That’s 100% domestic violence/child abuse.

I’m so sorry you went through that.

Definitely abusive. Do you still have a relationship with her? She sounds as though she is trying to re-write history and gaslight you into thinking that what she did wasn't so bad. I presume that the people you told about her behaviour were shocked and she is now trying to change the narrative in her favour.

It certainly taught you a lesson.

That your mother is a a vile abusive woman

She is an abuser but she doesn’t want other people to know about it.

of course YANBU. Tell everyone. You really should go no contact with her, but failing that next time she tells you that she was just teaching you a lesson, tell her that you’re just teaching her a lesson. The lesson is don’t be an abuser and people won’t be told about her being an abuser.

What lesson was she trying to teach you? That she's a child abusing, bullying, useless mother who deserves no help or support from you if she needs it as she grows older?

Thank you so much. Your words in this post are so reassuring.

My Dad was on her side an unable to stand up to her.

I was able to get on my feet and function normally on the surface, after this, but 5 years afterwards my life culminated in huge breakdown where I was in psychiatric care for 2 months. After this though, I was fine and got on my feet again, living a normal life, and the dynamic between my and my mum improved.

My mum died 8 years after this incident after many years of heavy drinking and smoking in her late 60s. Our relationship improved very much in the 3 years before she died. She became much more reasonable.

Just for the sake of completeness she did say, eventually that she’d “regretted If ever since” but I noticed she didn’t give my eye contact when saying this and it’s only when my now ex partner told her (in a private phone call between them, most likely) that this incident had really affected me and I was displaying obvious signs to everyone of mental illness

The ‘lesson’ was the messy bedroom most probably @TimeForTeaAndG

Sorry about this. Just horrible isn’t it ? ❤️

had you done anything to provoke it? Had she just had enough of something/s you had/hadn't done? Was she under pressure at the time?

Thank you. ❤️ Your words mean a lot. As I’m an only child so no one else witnessed it except my Dad who sided with her anyway !

I think the ‘lesson’ was the premise of a messy bedroom

My bedroom was very messy

Children of alcoholics (even the functioning ones) experience things that those of "normal" upbringings just can't fathom. It's the old classic "takes one to know one".

You are AMAZING 👏 Always remember that xx

Yes I think your first sentence absolutely nails it

Thank you so much ❤️

From one event its not really abuse in the classic sense but hitting someone is assault regardless or age, relationship, situation.

Throwing you out because your not living in line with house rules, is not abusive. It's her house and parents including mothers can relinquish rights to parental responsibility at any point (but a 17 your an adult, old enough to have had your own kid its not like abandoning a small child).

There was someone on here last week, complaining of teenager mess .. and the advice was to put all the stuff in bin bags, and dump it outside.

You also frequently get people on here, telling parents to kick 18 year olds out, when they are messy, or disrespectful.

Lack of eye contact could fit with truly regreting it, shame can have that effect and she should have felt shame. My mum was emotionally abusive then abandoned us, but we had our dad at least. It always felt somehow worse to me that it was my mum of all people, I knew quite a few kids growing up who had been abandoned by or abused by their father, none who's mum hadn't cared enough to stick around. Your mum was an abusive bully, none of it was OK and incase it needs saying none of it was your fault, it's all on her. Her addiction, her abuse, the damage she's caused, thats all on her. She was the mum, you were the child, her most important job was to protect you and she failed utterly.

"Mother, the only lesson you taught me is the fact you knew how to get drunk, you knew how to dish out physical abuse of a minor instead of actual parenting and the fact you are emotionally immature enough to have no level of emotional regulation. That situation taught me absolutely nothing apart from that"

People with no parenting skills who endorse child abuse also use the internet, alas. I do wonder if they aren't drawn to threads about unruly teenagers so they can indulge in a bit of fantasy authoritarianism.

She was abusive yes. I was chucked out at the same age. I have a dd at that age now and the thought of it makes me want to throw up. Something was very very wrong with our mums.

I’m sorry for your experience ❤️

Some 2 years before the incident outlined above, when I was 15, I had a friend round. We were both upstairs in my bedroom. My mum was very drunk, and as she went to go down the stairs from spending time in her own bedroom, she lost her footing and fell the entire way down the stairs - both me and my friend could clearly hear the series of thuds.

To be honest, I was glad she fell down the stairs. That past year in particular had seen me be on the receiving end of awful abuse from her. If I’m being perfectly frank - I was secretly hoping the fall had killed her, if not seriously injured her. If she’d died then it would’ve made my life infinitely easier. Instead, she instantly got up and started drunkenly shouting at my Dad that it was all his fault! My dad had been hitherto sitting in the living room watching TV!!

it says something I suppose that a 15 year old would have honestly preferred it if their mother had dropped dead!

Definitely ❤️