Page 2 | “I just did it to teach you a lesson.” AIBU??

Floy · 2025-01-09T09:02:05+00:00

When I was 17, my drunken mother came into my bedroom and started hitting me. She ordered me to tidy my very messy bedroom and gave me half an hour to do it or me and my belongings would be out. I started tidying but mum then came in some 5 mins later and decided to throw me out anyway - shouting and ranting all the way. When she realised a few years later that I’d been telling third parties how much this had affected me - she said “I did it to teach you a lesson.” AIBU to think this is abusive ? I mean the above sentence is a classic playground bully line, surely ? Also, a parent of a 17 year old shouldn’t be obviously visibly drunk on an ordinary Saturday midday - maybe excepting a New Years Eve party or similar

Original poster

Floy · 09/01/2025 09:59

Mamasperspective · 09/01/2025 09:48

"Mother, the only lesson you taught me is the fact you knew how to get drunk, you knew how to dish out physical abuse of a minor instead of actual parenting and the fact you are emotionally immature enough to have no level of emotional regulation. That situation taught me absolutely nothing apart from that"

Thank you. What you state in this post absolutely mirrors my adult thoughts on the situation ❤️

OP posts:

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 09/01/2025 10:05

@Floy I am just shocked that you ever started speaking to her after her throwing you out!!

BigMingeEnergy · 09/01/2025 10:09

It's awful OP. My heart goes out to you.

I remember when my mother 'taught me a lesson.' She went absolutely manic on me. She put the hoover outside my bedroom. I was roughly 9 years old. My room was always kept clean and tidy. I'm autistic / ADHD and everything has to be neatly organised and in its own home. But, the hoover was still outside my bedroom. I called over the bannister and questioned why I had to hoover my bedroom when it was spotless. Mum came running up the stairs and said it's to 'teach me a lesson.' She made me hoover in front of her. About 2 minutes into the hoovering I stood up for myself and said something along the lines of 'mum, I can't hoover anymore it's clean.' She pushed me to the ground and was wrestling me for what seemed a lifetime. Dug her nails into the crook of my right arm and made me bleed. I completely froze.

2 years later I started my period and I was too ashamed to tell her. We didn't have the conversation about it and I felt really dirty. I tried to secretly put my blood stained knickers in the washing mashing. Of course she saw them. She accused me of 'shitting myself' and made me scrub my blood stained knickers with a nail brush in the bath tub.

I am a mum now. My mum always used to say to me 'I wish you have a daughter just like you, so you can see how difficult you are.' I do have a daughter. I see so much of me in her, and I will forever be her safe space. So yes, mum, you have taught me a lesson. You've taught me to never, ever be a mother like you. Which I thank you for.

Sorry to derail OP, I just wanted to offer some solidarity. Just know it was never you, it was always her. And it will always be her. Stay strong and PM if you would like a judgement free chat with a stranger x

thepariscrimefiles · 09/01/2025 10:30

BigMingeEnergy · 09/01/2025 10:09

It's awful OP. My heart goes out to you.

I remember when my mother 'taught me a lesson.' She went absolutely manic on me. She put the hoover outside my bedroom. I was roughly 9 years old. My room was always kept clean and tidy. I'm autistic / ADHD and everything has to be neatly organised and in its own home. But, the hoover was still outside my bedroom. I called over the bannister and questioned why I had to hoover my bedroom when it was spotless. Mum came running up the stairs and said it's to 'teach me a lesson.' She made me hoover in front of her. About 2 minutes into the hoovering I stood up for myself and said something along the lines of 'mum, I can't hoover anymore it's clean.' She pushed me to the ground and was wrestling me for what seemed a lifetime. Dug her nails into the crook of my right arm and made me bleed. I completely froze.

2 years later I started my period and I was too ashamed to tell her. We didn't have the conversation about it and I felt really dirty. I tried to secretly put my blood stained knickers in the washing mashing. Of course she saw them. She accused me of 'shitting myself' and made me scrub my blood stained knickers with a nail brush in the bath tub.

I am a mum now. My mum always used to say to me 'I wish you have a daughter just like you, so you can see how difficult you are.' I do have a daughter. I see so much of me in her, and I will forever be her safe space. So yes, mum, you have taught me a lesson. You've taught me to never, ever be a mother like you. Which I thank you for.

Sorry to derail OP, I just wanted to offer some solidarity. Just know it was never you, it was always her. And it will always be her. Stay strong and PM if you would like a judgement free chat with a stranger x

I am so sorry about your abusive childhood experiences with your mother.

Your daughter is lucky to have such a lovely mum. I hope that your mother is no longer in your life.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/01/2025 13:10

Maybe this isn't the thread to post on, and some of the stories are clearly horrific abuse, but often on these threads I'd like to think we could cut our parents some slack. Obvo not in the persistent abuse. But teenagers can be very very hard work. And our parents grew up in a time when, no, they weren't given any emotional support whatsoever, so no, they don't have the right tools.
When I have a heated discussion with my 17yo, she often fails to apply any context to a situation. So she might take what happened on that one occasion, where I've finally lost it, and forget that I have asked her very nicely a billion times previously.
I do think that whilst abusive parents do exist, most people are just doing their best with the tools they have. All we can do is try to do better for the next generation.

Paisleyandpolkadots · 09/01/2025 13:29

I don't think a very messy room is any justification for a drunken mother to hit her teenage daughter and then throw her out ranting and screaming. Don't excuse it by saying she lacked emotional support or the right tools. OP's mother was simply a mean drunk and her father was a weak man who was an enabler of her mother.

Original poster

Floy · 09/01/2025 13:42

Paisleyandpolkadots · 09/01/2025 13:29

I don't think a very messy room is any justification for a drunken mother to hit her teenage daughter and then throw her out ranting and screaming. Don't excuse it by saying she lacked emotional support or the right tools. OP's mother was simply a mean drunk and her father was a weak man who was an enabler of her mother.

Thank you and you’re spot on ! I’ve several other examples that corroborate your analysis here ❤️

OP posts:

Original poster

Floy · 09/01/2025 13:48

BigMingeEnergy · 09/01/2025 10:09

It's awful OP. My heart goes out to you.

I remember when my mother 'taught me a lesson.' She went absolutely manic on me. She put the hoover outside my bedroom. I was roughly 9 years old. My room was always kept clean and tidy. I'm autistic / ADHD and everything has to be neatly organised and in its own home. But, the hoover was still outside my bedroom. I called over the bannister and questioned why I had to hoover my bedroom when it was spotless. Mum came running up the stairs and said it's to 'teach me a lesson.' She made me hoover in front of her. About 2 minutes into the hoovering I stood up for myself and said something along the lines of 'mum, I can't hoover anymore it's clean.' She pushed me to the ground and was wrestling me for what seemed a lifetime. Dug her nails into the crook of my right arm and made me bleed. I completely froze.

2 years later I started my period and I was too ashamed to tell her. We didn't have the conversation about it and I felt really dirty. I tried to secretly put my blood stained knickers in the washing mashing. Of course she saw them. She accused me of 'shitting myself' and made me scrub my blood stained knickers with a nail brush in the bath tub.

I am a mum now. My mum always used to say to me 'I wish you have a daughter just like you, so you can see how difficult you are.' I do have a daughter. I see so much of me in her, and I will forever be her safe space. So yes, mum, you have taught me a lesson. You've taught me to never, ever be a mother like you. Which I thank you for.

Sorry to derail OP, I just wanted to offer some solidarity. Just know it was never you, it was always her. And it will always be her. Stay strong and PM if you would like a judgement free chat with a stranger x

Thank you so much and I’m I’m so sorry this happened to you in childhood. Your daughter is so lucky to have you ❤️

What you went through was awful. I also started my periods at 11 and didn’t tell my mum but she also found my blood stained knickers. I will say here though that my mum in this instance was sympathetic and supportive towards me when she found them - so my heart goes out to you ❤️

OP posts:

BigMingeEnergy · 09/01/2025 13:51

arethereanyleftatall · 09/01/2025 13:10

Maybe this isn't the thread to post on, and some of the stories are clearly horrific abuse, but often on these threads I'd like to think we could cut our parents some slack. Obvo not in the persistent abuse. But teenagers can be very very hard work. And our parents grew up in a time when, no, they weren't given any emotional support whatsoever, so no, they don't have the right tools.
When I have a heated discussion with my 17yo, she often fails to apply any context to a situation. So she might take what happened on that one occasion, where I've finally lost it, and forget that I have asked her very nicely a billion times previously.
I do think that whilst abusive parents do exist, most people are just doing their best with the tools they have. All we can do is try to do better for the next generation.

No, there is absolutely zero justification at all, whatsoever, and there never will be, for child domestic abuse.

Ever.

Original poster

Floy · 09/01/2025 14:58

Just to add some more context-

that morning, which had been a Saturday, I’d been cleaning various other rooms in the house and left post it on the doors saying

‘cleaned bathroom’ etc

she was very drunk and I was completely sober when she came into my bedroom.

she started hitting me. I put my haves around her neck to restrain her and I did leave marks on her neck from my fingernails when I dug in. She immediately called “Alan!!” for my Dad - he came up, saw us both and agreed with my mum that I should leave the house straightaway

I spent the night at the neighbours.but my mum took me back in the next day saying

“this is your home” and then said to me

“never mind - just buy me a box of chocolates”

she then said during the following week to me regarding my behaviour

“I was frightened. But I’m not any more”

my dad accused me of kicking his shins as he chucked me out the door. I don’t remember doing that

when I said to my mum that even though she’d been angry at me for the mess in my bedroom I’d cleaned the other rooms and left notes she said

”but not at the expense of your bedroom”

OP posts:

Michellesbackbrace · 09/01/2025 15:11

Of course she was abusive - and an alcoholic.

Sorry you went through that. My dcs often have very messy rooms, I won’t even tell you what I’ve just found under dd’s bed. I would never dream of hitting her.

Try to look at it this way- your mum had serious issues that she didn’t get help for and you and your df bore the brunt of that. She was ill in a way and whilst I’m not saying she deserves sympathy, if you can try to look on her with pity it may be freeing for you.

It’s never ok to hit someone - you were in no way to blame.

I hope you manage to stop looking for reasons why it may have been your fault (obviously very common in victims of abuse) and make peace with it. It sounds like she had narcissistic tendencies and could never admit fault. The fact she at least admitted she regretted it is something to hold on to.

You were a child who couldn’t fight back💐

Michellesbackbrace · 09/01/2025 15:12

Floy · 09/01/2025 14:58

Just to add some more context-

that morning, which had been a Saturday, I’d been cleaning various other rooms in the house and left post it on the doors saying

‘cleaned bathroom’ etc

she was very drunk and I was completely sober when she came into my bedroom.

she started hitting me. I put my haves around her neck to restrain her and I did leave marks on her neck from my fingernails when I dug in. She immediately called “Alan!!” for my Dad - he came up, saw us both and agreed with my mum that I should leave the house straightaway

I spent the night at the neighbours.but my mum took me back in the next day saying

“this is your home” and then said to me

“never mind - just buy me a box of chocolates”

she then said during the following week to me regarding my behaviour

“I was frightened. But I’m not any more”

my dad accused me of kicking his shins as he chucked me out the door. I don’t remember doing that

when I said to my mum that even though she’d been angry at me for the mess in my bedroom I’d cleaned the other rooms and left notes she said

”but not at the expense of your bedroom”

You were in shock and retaliated - perfectly understandable.

She honestly sounds like a textbook narc.

pikkumyy77 · 09/01/2025 15:21

housethatbuiltme · 09/01/2025 09:42

From one event its not really abuse in the classic sense but hitting someone is assault regardless or age, relationship, situation.

Throwing you out because your not living in line with house rules, is not abusive. It's her house and parents including mothers can relinquish rights to parental responsibility at any point (but a 17 your an adult, old enough to have had your own kid its not like abandoning a small child).

Thats just wrong. Making someone who is a lodger, tenant, or dependent homeless can of course be abusive—it can be an abuse of power and it can be abusive/coercive/violent/cruel.

Michellesbackbrace · 09/01/2025 15:26

You’ve just brought back something that happened to me when I was 9 or 10 OP.

I had what I now realise was OCD (probably as a result of my crappy home) and was in a habit of doing things a certain number of times. I opened and closed the living room door 5 times (not particularly loudly) and my df (who was in bed ill - he was a manic depressive but this was never explained to me as a child) flew down the stairs and hit me. I was in shock and terrified. Stuff like this happened a couple of times.

He was a useless father and I have no memories other than being scared of him. My dm was a massive enabler and there were worse incidents with my older siblings. I realise though that he was ill and it was all him, no one else was to blame.

He committed suicide when I was a teenager and I felt nothing. I remember crying but feeling like I was just playing a role, I totally understand when you say you wished your dm had died. I can see as an adult that him dying was for the best as then we were all free to live our lives without having to deal with his erratic moods and flashes of anger. My dsis and db had a really hard time with him when they were older teens wanting to go out and live their own lives. I was lucky to escape that.

I just think of him now with pity, he was obviously very unwell and unhappy.

So, I understand that’s all x

Original poster

Floy · 09/01/2025 16:17

Michellesbackbrace · 09/01/2025 15:11

Of course she was abusive - and an alcoholic.

Sorry you went through that. My dcs often have very messy rooms, I won’t even tell you what I’ve just found under dd’s bed. I would never dream of hitting her.

Try to look at it this way- your mum had serious issues that she didn’t get help for and you and your df bore the brunt of that. She was ill in a way and whilst I’m not saying she deserves sympathy, if you can try to look on her with pity it may be freeing for you.

It’s never ok to hit someone - you were in no way to blame.

I hope you manage to stop looking for reasons why it may have been your fault (obviously very common in victims of abuse) and make peace with it. It sounds like she had narcissistic tendencies and could never admit fault. The fact she at least admitted she regretted it is something to hold on to.

You were a child who couldn’t fight back💐

thanks so much ❤️ - I’ve often thought she had narc tendencies and couldn’t admit fault

OP posts:

Original poster

Floy · 09/01/2025 16:34

Michellesbackbrace · 09/01/2025 15:12

You were in shock and retaliated - perfectly understandable.

She honestly sounds like a textbook narc.

Show quote history

Thank you - ❤️ - yes I’ve often thought she was a Narc

OP posts:

Original poster

Floy · 09/01/2025 18:06

Michellesbackbrace · 09/01/2025 15:26

You’ve just brought back something that happened to me when I was 9 or 10 OP.

I had what I now realise was OCD (probably as a result of my crappy home) and was in a habit of doing things a certain number of times. I opened and closed the living room door 5 times (not particularly loudly) and my df (who was in bed ill - he was a manic depressive but this was never explained to me as a child) flew down the stairs and hit me. I was in shock and terrified. Stuff like this happened a couple of times.

He was a useless father and I have no memories other than being scared of him. My dm was a massive enabler and there were worse incidents with my older siblings. I realise though that he was ill and it was all him, no one else was to blame.

He committed suicide when I was a teenager and I felt nothing. I remember crying but feeling like I was just playing a role, I totally understand when you say you wished your dm had died. I can see as an adult that him dying was for the best as then we were all free to live our lives without having to deal with his erratic moods and flashes of anger. My dsis and db had a really hard time with him when they were older teens wanting to go out and live their own lives. I was lucky to escape that.

I just think of him now with pity, he was obviously very unwell and unhappy.

So, I understand that’s all x

Thank you so much for understanding. ❤️Sorry you endured those very traumatic childhood experiences yourself ❤️

Slightly differently from you my DM was main perpetrator and DF the enabler

i was an only child also so no siblings as a yardstick, as it were, though I’m not implying this would in any way have made things easier for me necessarily

OP posts:

Pinkclouds80 · 13/01/2025 13:05

As everyone else has said, unanimously, yes that behaviour was absolutely abusive. Your mum was clearly in a very bad place in herself, and it meant she did very bad things to you. It’s 100% to your credit that you survived, and you’re still trying to make sense of it many years later.

my partner lived through something very similar and got a lot (like, a LOT) from Al-anon meetings - they are for the adult children of alcoholics. Lots of info online if you wanted to have a read or try a meeting. Apologies if you already had tried this and it’s not your cup of tea :) xx

IndysMamaRex · 13/01/2025 13:53

Sorry what?! To teach you a lesson?!

the only thing she taught you is that your mother is abusive & you can’t rely on her…also she clearly shouldn’t drink if that’s how she behaves. But drunk or not that’s disgraceful behaviour & I’m sorry you had that experience

Pherian · 14/01/2025 15:05

Why are you still talking to that woman ?

It was abusive to throw you out at 17 in a drunken rage.

It was abusive to say that to you.

I think it’s a fair assumption that your mom is still an abusive drunk.

She did teach you something ; how to survive without your mother. Thank her and cut her off.