Sympathetic to her divorce, but finding it hard to be empathetic

[BlueMamaBear]

Don’t want to drip feed but don’t want to be too outing, so will give the short version.

High school best friend, decades of friendship, married long before me, in unhappy marriage where her and DH weren’t on the same page about children amongst other issues.

Feel like we drifted over the last few years, lack of effort to keep in touch (looking back at messages, mostly driven by me), lukewarm reaction to our pregnancy announcement, never messaged to see how me and DD were getting on after birth etc, didn’t visit us and DD for months after DD was born, excuses every time I was in their local area and suggested meeting up. Last straw for me was last year when she cancelled a meet up I had arranged as she ‘was too busy’ and then didn’t suggest an alternative or follow up at all - I was done being the one making all the effort and it not being reciprocated. Only messages we have exchanged since were to say happy birthday. Figured we were just at different places in life, I was busy navigating motherhood, and the friendship just fizzled out.

Recently received message from friend sharing that her and DH were getting divorced. Possibly the reason for lack of contact/effort in our friendship, but even as I write this, I feel like I’m making excuses for her. Am sympathetic towards her because it can’t have been an easy decision to make, but finding it hard to feel empathy, and not really sure how to even respond to her FYI text message.

I’d probably respond with a fairly bland ‘sorry to hear that, hope you are ok’ message but don’t make any mention of meeting up or necessarily resurrecting the friendship.

Do you want a future friendship with her? As you point out, the difficult marriage may have been behind some of her issues before, and it could be that she gets a new lease of life once divorced and is in a better place to contribute to a friendship. So in that sense, it might be a good time to re-ignite the friendship if thats what you want.

But if not, I'd just offer brief supportive message and leave it at that - continue with the fizzle out.

You don’t need to reply but if you feel you want to just say you’re sorry to hear that.

You’ve said she and her DH ‘weren’t on the same page about children.’ I’m assuming that she wanted them and he didn’t? If that’s the case, that might explain why she avoided being around you when you became pregnant.

I would send a simple "sorry to hear that type message", because presumably you are, and then see what happens. It would not be surprising if she found your own happiness difficult in her own circumstances, especially if she was the one who wanted a baby. Do you want to get the friendship back on track?

I think you're overthinking this. Just reply 'Sorry to hear that, hope you're doing OK' and leave it at that. It's not some kind of summons back to intense, contact-heavy friendship, and even if it were, you're not obliged to do anything you don't want.

I wouldn't bother to continue the friendship because it wasn't one in the last few years

I'd respond by text and say 'sorry to hear that, look after yourself'

I think a key bit of info here is - did she want children and DH didn’t? As that might explain the distance.

Friendships shouldn't have so many conditions put on them. There are bound to be times where it isn't always plain sailing. People have busy lives. I feel for your friend. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors,

The friendship is over. She may have sent that message to everyone in her address book for all you know.

If I was feeling brave I’d say, ‘sorry to hear that, good luck with your future.’ If not so brave just sorry to hear that.

Don’t give it headspace.

Yes, she was ready for them many years ago, he wasn’t

Given your recent update:

Your friend most likely distanced themselves due to the fact your life was moving on, you were having a baby and your friend was in an unhappy marriage where she was desperately wanting to be a mum but her DH wasn’t on the same wavelength.

It must of been incredibly hard for her to watch her friends have children and having the one thing they wanted. You mentioned she had a lukewarm reaction to your announcement, that it took her months to meet DD and that she would cancel often.

Was you empathetic to her situation? Because from your OP “the last straw was because she was too busy and never rearranged” but did you reach out to your friend and make her feelings valid and tell her you understand it must be hard for her. Or did you just never mention it.

One of my best friends distanced themselves from me when I became pregnant with my DS. She was going through infertility and it was just too much, she didn’t meet my DS for months and I told her in private about my pregnancy so she knew I was trying to be sensitive to her feelings.

Obviously you may have been super sensitive to her feelings! I’m not saying you didn’t, I’m just saying that may potentially be why she was distant x

That's for her to deal with. Not to freeze you out.

I'd message a "Sorry to hear that, hope you're doing ok." And leave it at that.

Just adding - your feelings are valid to. It’s painful when a close friend distances themself or doesn’t get involved in something that is a happy event for you. It is hard, it’s ok to be hurt too.

I’d send her a kind message. I wouldn’t be looking to rekindle the friendship because you’ve obviously drifted apart and if she found it difficult to be around you because you had what she wanted, she’ll probably drift away from you again once she’s through this crisis.

One of the things divorced women report is that they re-emerge from their marriages extremely isolated, having lost friends and social life because their dh or coupledom pushed old friends and friends from single days away.

If you liked her once and think fondly of her you might try to reconnect. If you don’t, you don’t.

Just write back with 'Onwards and upwards.' and leave it at that.

The friendship has run its course.

Sensitive in that I messaged her with the news, rather than telling her over the phone or in person, so that she had time to process and respond in her own time. Checked in on how her marriage was doing, but she became very closed off after a very frank conversation about her deserving better and needing to make a decision around whether she could be happy with DH if no children in the picture, or whether it was a deal breaker. It of course crossed my mind that she was struggling with my life moving on in a way hers hadn’t, and while I haven’t been in the same situation, I would like to think that I would be happy for my best friend (while privately mourning the life I don’t have) rather than allowing it to create distance

This is what I'd do. Kind, but not leading.

I think what has grated on me in the recent years is that her social media updates show her out with friends and family, but she didn’t have the time to maintain our relationship. I don’t doubt she has been through a difficult time and the decision to divorce will have been a hard one, but I’m struggling to understand why it was our friendship that bore the brunt of it

'Sorry to hear that, take care of yourself'.

Well, you'll never know unless you find yourself in that position, so it's pointless to speculate about how you would have maintained the friendship while privately mourning. I lost two good friends when I had a child. They were older than me, and I thought they were happily childfree, as I had been, but it turned out that they'd desperately wanted children and been unable to have them, before I knew them. One of them I've resumed a friendship with, 12 years on, the other has never reappeared in my life.

I lost touch with my best friend between the ages of 22 and 37. The reason? Her abusive husband isolated her from friends and family, moved her to the ends of the earth and made her change her number. Thankfully she got out, and we got back in touch.

All this to say there's always the possibility that she wanted the friendship but was kept from it. I would give her the benefit of the doubt and restart the friendship. If it ends up going the way it did before, then you know to step away from it.

I personally feel like both of you are reasonable and not unreasonable at the same time.

You said it crossed your mind that she was struggling with your life moving on, but it doesn’t seem like you reached out to your friend to communicate your feelings. Your friend also failed to communicate her feelings to you - and in stead radio silence after your birth and cancelled rather than tell you how hard she’s finding it.

It’s not unreasonable for you to expect her to check in on you too, or make sure you’re on after birth. It’s not unreasonable to be sad that she acted like your DD didn’t exist. It’s also not unreasonable for her to distance herself if she was struggling with her life too.

I personally would just have a bit of empathy to the fact she was in an unhappy marriage, watching others have kids whilst she couldn’t have that, I would feel sad that she was getting a divorce but also wish her the best for the future. Maybe too much has gone on to reconnect or want the friendship again. Your feelings are understandable too.

Surely you’re old and wise enough to know that social media doesn’t tell a whole story? Maybe those were people who’ve stayed in her her life because they’ve recognised she’s struggling, and have pushed her to go out and spend time with them.

If you can’t find empathy for her then that’s fair enough, but save your sympathy. No one needs that.