Sympathetic to her divorce, but finding it hard to be empathetic

[BlueMamaBear]

Don’t want to drip feed but don’t want to be too outing, so will give the short version.

High school best friend, decades of friendship, married long before me, in unhappy marriage where her and DH weren’t on the same page about children amongst other issues.

Feel like we drifted over the last few years, lack of effort to keep in touch (looking back at messages, mostly driven by me), lukewarm reaction to our pregnancy announcement, never messaged to see how me and DD were getting on after birth etc, didn’t visit us and DD for months after DD was born, excuses every time I was in their local area and suggested meeting up. Last straw for me was last year when she cancelled a meet up I had arranged as she ‘was too busy’ and then didn’t suggest an alternative or follow up at all - I was done being the one making all the effort and it not being reciprocated. Only messages we have exchanged since were to say happy birthday. Figured we were just at different places in life, I was busy navigating motherhood, and the friendship just fizzled out.

Recently received message from friend sharing that her and DH were getting divorced. Possibly the reason for lack of contact/effort in our friendship, but even as I write this, I feel like I’m making excuses for her. Am sympathetic towards her because it can’t have been an easy decision to make, but finding it hard to feel empathy, and not really sure how to even respond to her FYI text message.

I think it’s probably better she doesn’t maintain the friendship with you, it sounds like she has had a really difficult time and you have no empathy with her situation - not even being sure how serious the issues were with her husband or if she was suffering abuse there.
Every sentence from you is countered with a ‘but’ about you that in reality dismisses her. ‘I don’t doubt her divorce is hard, but why did my friendship suffer.’I’m sure it’s hard to watch my life move on when she wanted kids herself but…she should have made an effort to see my baby’
I get we’re all the star of her own movies but sounds like she needs a real friend, sometimes that means not hanging onto slights and being kind even when it doesn’t seem ‘fair’.
Not sure you’re able to do that if you feel no empathy for someone who at least for a time was a friend.

Tell her you’re sorry and to take care of herself

She might just be keeping you in the picture and doesn’t want to take the friendship any further but if she tries to resurrect the relationship then you need to decide if you want to hear her side of the story and give her a chance
if you can’t be bothered anymore then remain distant
You’ve most likely worked out why she let things slide - you need to decide if you care enough to give her another chance

I do feel for both of you. Sadly, friendships change and it seems yours has been the victim of you both being at very different places at the same time. But I don’t think your ‘friendship bore the brunt of it’. That’s putting too much emphasis on the place of your friendship in the story of her marriage. The likelihood is that your poor friend has been through emotional torture for years - wanting children and not being able to have them is life-changing. It’s possible her ex husband prevented her from maintaining any close friendships except a few approved ones. It’s possible she was in so much emotional pain that one of her coping strategies was to ‘pretend’ she had a normal life on social media. She might have felt ashamed of the truth. It’s also very easy to say that you like to think you’d have still been pleased for your friend had the situations been reversed. Impossible to know how your emotional pain would have have manifested. You’re the lucky one for whom everything went well. I’m sad for you that the friendship changed/ended. I genuinely feel for you. There’s no need for you to reach out and help now in her new painful position of going through a divorce. I get that it now isn’t your place to do that. But please don’t blame your friend for everything around your friendship breaking down. There are many factors here.

It is hurtful to be phased out of someone's life but I'd assume she had a reason and it seems like things have been tough for her. You can feel for her without opening yourself up to potentially being hurt again. Send a message saying ' sorry to hear the news, it sounds really hard' . If I had genuinely liked her before I'd also say 'if you want to meet for chat let me know but no pressure' and have no expectations. Life is complicated, we don't all behave as we should all the time. But if you don't want to open yourself up to disappointment don't add the second bit.

I suppose it depends on whether you want to rekindle this friendship or not. I can see why she withdrew from you a bit with your baby but also that this would be hurtful. I would respond but then take it from there. Presumably you are pleased she is no longer with him?

It sounds like she’s been through a really difficult time. I understand you feel upset about how the relationship has been recently but it depends if you can forgive that.
I have a friend that I was really close to but I found it difficult to maintain contact with as she was at a different life stage to me, I had a lot going on and we didn’t live locally. My situation changed meaning I have more time and we have become much closer again in recent years. I think we have a great friendship which we would have both missed out on if we couldn’t put the past aside.
Id think about the future more than the past as you can’t change that. At the very least meet up with her once, see if she is flaky or not and see if she explains and apologises for previous behaviour.

The fact that you are ready to ditch her over this shows that you are probably a bit high maintenance. Real friendships can overcome things like this.

Blimey, don't send that... You can virtually hear the door slam!

it sounds like you did the right thing reducing your friendship - not sure why from a human point of view you would not just send her a bland “Sorry to hear that hope you are ok” but just not engage further?” She’s been a lack lustre friend, but not mean to you, so not sure why you would kick the boot in just this minute by ignoring her now when she’s at a low point.
Sure if she tries to engage further be distant but her first message?

To put across another point of view, given all of the shared history, if you would still enjoy her company I would lean in and be supportive and see where you get.

In my opinion these long standing friendships from childhood are often more like family. In that you can go through periods of being closer and less close without it having to mean the end of the friendship.

I think that you can understand the reason for her distance even if it isn’t what you’d hope you would have been able to do in the same circumstances. Why not start afresh and see how you feel?

Golden rule comes into play here big time.
if someone wasn’t there for you n your time of need then you don’t show up for them.
brutal I know. But self preservation.

Id give it the same lukewarm response as she did your pregnancy.

I dont think you are really friends at this point. You don't socialise, laugh, speak. You're basically not much more than Facebook friends.

I'd go with something bland like "oh I'm so sorry to hear that" rather than "omg I can't believe this, I'm so sorry, are you OK, do you need support" etc. And I'd respond in fits and bursts so she doesn't get the idea she can suddenly latch onto you for endless calls and dinners given she's little more than an acquaintance now.

It sounds like you don't want her as a friend, and that's ok.

I have a lot of sympathy for the friend in this case.

I understand that you are upset, but I also let some friendships drift when I was going through a very long and messy divorce.

i loved these friends to bits, but sometimes I only had the emotional space for a couple of friends who lived nearby. I was so exhausted by everything- I had no time to meet friends I was very fond of.

the fact you were pregnant must have made it very difficult for her. I completely understand how hurt you were, and none of this is your fault. But I do think your friend may want to build bridges.

if you do meet up, why not raise the issue with her and tell her how hurt you were ?

It of course crossed my mind that she was struggling with my life moving on in a way hers hadn’t, and while I haven’t been in the same situation, I would like to think that I would be happy for my best friend (while privately mourning the life I don’t have) rather than allowing it to create distance

You are entitled to end/phase out a friendship for any reason. But I think you're being a bit cold and unfeeling to say you're struggling to feel any empathy for her given her situation. She appears to have struggled to keep contacting going at a time where your life was on the up and hers was simultaneously going down the pan.

How can you possible say how you'd react if the boot was on the other foot?

What conditions has she put on them? That she expects an interest in her life and to meet up?