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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist the slapper my H went off with never so much as lays eyes on my dc.?

42 replies

mybrainaches · 04/05/2008 09:25

Given the fact I know thier relationship will not last, if he meets someone else further down the line then fine, but not the one that hand a hand in taking away thier daddy.

OP posts:
SmugColditz · 04/05/2008 09:27

I'm sorry, you can't, any more than he can insist you can't let a new boyfriend meet the children. YOu are not being unreasonable to want this, but it isn't something you have any power over. sorry

ChasingSquirrels · 04/05/2008 09:30

agree with Colditz

Carmenere · 04/05/2008 09:35

It must hurt dreadfully but Colditz is right. He is their parent too and hopefully will have their best interests at heart as you do. I think you might be able to say that you don't think that it would be good for them to get close to her until they have been together for a while and until it looks like it is a serious relationship, but you can't insist.
Also she didn't 'take away their daddy', people can't be 'stolen' and if she came between you and your husband, that is horrible but don't let your children think that anyone could come between them and their dad.
DP's ex tried hard to give her children the idea that dp had left them, which was rubbish, he always was devoted to them, he just didn't love her. I do feel for you though, it is a horrible situation.

stripeymama · 04/05/2008 09:38

I felt like this when ex (33) first left me for a 17 year old. I was so raw and hurt, and furious at the idea of the 'woman' who had played a part in splitting up our family having the chance to play Happy Families with my daughter and her father. I didn't think it would last either, I assumed it was just my ex having some kind of crisis.

But three years later, they are still together and have an 18mo ds, and you know what?

I have stopped caring. I genuinely don't care anymore. In fact I'm grateful to her for taking the pillock off my hands. God only knows how she puts up with him...

Believe me, you will get to this point. Its so hard now but try not to get into this argument with your ex. Try to keep things as civil and as to-the-point as you can.

Your feelings are not unreasonable (they are perfectly normal) but to try and insist that your ex acts upon them would be. The relationship has ended and you both have the right to see other people now - as Colditz says, he cannot prevent you from allowing a new partner to meet your dc either.

Original poster
mybrainaches · 04/05/2008 09:41

Oh I dont tell the children he was taken away, the thing is she is very young, and she has a child herself that she cant be bothered with, she works through the day and is out every night, her mum is her dd full time carer, I am worried because how could she care about my kids when she does'nt give 2 hoots about her own?

OP posts:
Flame · 04/05/2008 09:43

To start with my dad used to take us out places, then he gradually introduced the idea of us going to his place - explaining that his girlfriend's children call him Daddy too

It was painful, it has taken years for her to stop being "the other woman", but she has now.

I don't know how old your children are though - we were old enough to understand what was going on and bear our own resentments.

I know you are hurting, and I understand why you feel like this, but no, you can't stop it happening

Original poster
mybrainaches · 04/05/2008 09:45

I have dts who are 4, and ds wh is 7 with ASD, so he would struggle with it enormously

OP posts:
LaComtesse · 04/05/2008 09:46

Has she asked to meet your children? Sometimes people go for opposites of what htey had before. Maybe your ex prefers a woman who doesn't "do" childcare and she may not be around when your ex has contact. You can't stop her from being introduced anymore than he can stop a new bf of yours from meeting them. If you can, try to agree a rule about when to introduce new people between you but they are going to meet a wide variety of people as they grow up and will have to form their own judgements on them.

Flame · 04/05/2008 09:48

Ah, the ASD does put things differently - my sister just point blank refused to see him for ages (we think she has AS)

I think when relationships first break up then no-one should be involving another party for at least the first few months. The children have just lost their daddy for the majority of the time, so any time they get they will want to spend with JUST HIM, not shared.

Original poster
mybrainaches · 04/05/2008 09:52

If I can trust H then so far he has respected my wishes and taken them out alone, we have only been seperated about 8 weeks and I think its too soon especially as ds is still asking when daddy is coming back home to live. H and I have discussed new relationships and agreed we would meet each others partners first before the kids do, to be honest it is just the one he is with now I have a problem with because I know she is not a nice person, its not anger or jealousy getting in the way, I dont want H back at all, I just would'nt trust her with my dc.

OP posts:
dividedself · 04/05/2008 09:54

They will be with their father to spend time with him, yes? She may be present and I think you will have toaccept this.

We all want to exert control over a situation that got out of our control (being left for another) but we cannot do this posthumously through our children however much we might justify our cause.

Fit or unfit as she may be, you have no control over this sadly and you might have to plump for making it as bearable for all of you as possible rather than trying to stop it.

didoreth · 04/05/2008 13:34

I think it would be counter productive to say to your ex that you don't want the children to spend time with her in particular, because you don't like her. Just keep stressing that its too soon for them to be introduced to any new partner yet - they need to get used to daddy not living at home any more first.

DirtySexyMummy · 04/05/2008 13:43

Because your husband fell in love with someone else, does not make that person a 'slapper'.

I am a single mother, and I work FT and so my DS is cared for by other people a lot of the time. This does not mean I don't 'give two hoots' about him.
Saying she is not a nice person without explanation does smack of anger and jealousy, TBH.

They are no more your children than they are his, and therefore you cannot dictate who they spend time with if your XH deems them suitable.

Leslaki · 04/05/2008 13:57

Mybrainaches I know how you feel - DH left me on Mothers Day and is now living with a woman from work who has just left her dh too. prior to Mothers day she tried to befriend me and the kids - buying dd presents which she was told to keep secret from me and she even turned up at ds's 6t birthday party. It was hideous - loads going on. i was getting up to 13 text a day from her. Anyway I have just found out he is living with her not far from us and am dreading the day she gets involved with my dc. XDH is still lying about being with her (I have proof) so fortunately I haven't had to face that one yet but I know it is coming and I HATE it. I don't know how I'll cope with her 'looking after' them too - bad enough when he has them! I understand all the arguments for them meeting her but that is the one thing that will hurt me especially if it's overnight. So at the moment YANBU as it is still too soon. Tell him the dc need to have time to adjust to their new lfe and seeing daddy as and when for about 6 months bfore he (or you) can introduce a new partner to thyem hopefully by that time either you won't care anymore or they might have split up.

RubyRioja · 04/05/2008 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FluffyMummy123 · 04/05/2008 14:10

Message withdrawn

soapbox · 04/05/2008 14:11

Yes unreasonable, but understandably unreasonable!

It must be incredibly hard for all of you

morningpaper · 04/05/2008 14:11

I agree with DirtySexyMummy

soapbox · 04/05/2008 14:13

You would MP!

morningpaper · 04/05/2008 14:14

actually I think it's the first time

macdoodle · 04/05/2008 14:20

Well I have point blank refused that my DD's have any contact with OW (who has baby with H as well)...my reason (apart from the fact that she is a dirty little slapper who thought that if she had a baby she would "win" who yes I do hate and resent)......is that she is plain barking self centred immature little girl...she has done many many things to me and showed absolutely no concern whatsover for my DD's (in fact once when DD was crying down the phone for daddy she was giving him a BJ to make him stay with her - yes at the exact same time )...she lies like a trooper and I don't even think she knows how to tell the truth or act with a modicum of decency and morality - do I want my DD's exposed at all to a woman like this (and god knows what she would say or do to them if it meant she might get something out of it) no and H knows he can only see DD's under these circumstances!!

macdoodle · 04/05/2008 14:22

and you know what flame me if you like I don't care - this woman is a slapper she has shown it over and over again - sending filthy photos and texts to a married man who had gone back to his wife proves it in my book.....she is just plain not to be trusted and certainly not anywhere near my children!

sadtosay · 04/05/2008 14:59

macdoodle you really do sound very very bitter. I hope you lighten up at some point. Apart from anything else that baby is going to grow up and wonder about its half siblings just as they must wonder about the baby. Even if you don't want the OW to see them don't stop half siblings meeting with their dad present just because of your bitterness - it is not the childrens fault.

morningpaper · 04/05/2008 15:04

this is one of those threads where the assumption is that men have no self-control, moral core or independent rational thought of their own

VictorianSqualor · 04/05/2008 15:11

As others have said, unreasonable, in the fact that he has a say too, but totally understandable.

However, if the longevity of their relationship is an issue you could set down some rules that were for Both of you, i.e if one or other of you gets a partner there has to be a period of six months grace before they are introduced to the children to protect them from meeting too many people or getting confused.

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