My 22 year old Son

[ElizabethHoward]

My 22 year old son works full-time. He has recently moved his girlfriend into my home with my consent. She started a new job and finished after three weeks. She is now lying in bed all day and has no money coming in. I lost my husband, my son's dad to a fatal heart attack in front of us two years ago. He has had mental health issues which is understandable. But now I find myself in a situation where he is going to work full time and his girlfriend is lying in bed all day. I take a small amount of money off him and she has paid me 150 pound for the three months she has been living in my home. Neither of them contribute to the daily chores so I am on my own. I would appreciate any guidance. Generally I would ask my elder children but I don't want to put them in a position that would damage there relationship with their youngest brother. Kind regards.

You tell him it isn’t working out. She has to leave by the end of the month.

I'd tell her she needs to leave...in fact I'd go wake her up and tell her she needs to pack up her stuff and be gone.

As your ds works and gives you some money, I'd let him stay. You say he doesn't do chores...in that case, don't cook for him or do his laundry if you are already doing that.

Bear minimum get out of bed and help around the house. They both need to contribute more to the household chores.

Is she keeping out of your way by staying in their room?

You need to have a sit down with them both and lay down some ground rules.

Eg they are responsible for hoovering , cooking 3 meals a week etc or whatever you think is reasonable.
A lack of communication is the problem here

Have you spoken to your son? What do you want? Have you communicated this?

It is reasonable to expect your son and his gf to help with chores and contribute financially.

Be clear, tell your son what you want and the consequences if it doesn't happen.

Is the gf depressed or ill in any way?
Lying in bed all day isn't helpful for anyone but as long as you get help with the chores and financially compensated, she can do what she wants the rest of the time.

Time to lay out your expectations around being in a household together, both financial and practical tasks too. If she doesn't contribute money she needs to do chores whilst she's looking for another job. She can't expect free housing if she's able to work! I wonder if her parents kicked her out because she was like that with them?

Have you sat them both down and talked to them?

Maybe sit them both down and ask what their plans are, both in terms of job, saving future etc, and how her parents feel etc.

She needs to go get a job and pay you keep, or live elsewhere. They should both be contributing to the cost of mortgage/rent, bills, food etc. And doing their own cooking /laundry/cleaning. You are not their staff and they are adults.

This. You did not sign up.for this arrangement.

I'd sit her down and say that if she isn't working and bringing money in, her contribution is to keep house clean and tidy, do laundry and cook. Starting tomorrow. If after a week or so, there is no change (or slips back),she moves out.

I can’t imagine your older kids are happy that their younger brother and his gf are taking the piss out of their mum at all. She’s not even job hunting from the sounds of things. What’s going on?! She needs to move back out, if he doesn’t like it he can go with her. Ridiculous situation.

I’m so sorry about your husband 💐

It depends what you want from this living arrangement, decide that first and then communicate.

my youngest DD’s BF spends a lot of time here, we sat them down and told them they’re welcome to be part of the family but they have to act like it too and contribute to chores. Her BF does the full house clean with me on a saturday whilst shes at work and we all work together to keep the jobs done.

I'm amazed by a lot of these responses. I'd have absolutely no inclination to sit down and discuss anything with her. She's an adult who doesn't work and also doesn't do any chores in a house she lives in for free. There's nothing to discuss imo

I can't believeall this endless pandering to young adults. Nothing to discuss, go to the bedroom and tell her to get up, get dressed and do some chores. She will either do it or leave. It maybe your sons home, but it is your house, your rules.

Well, I agree with you, but the OP doesn't actually say whether she wants to girlfriend gone, or whether she wants her to pay rent because she needs extra money, or whether her primary issue is she wants them both to contribute significantly to household chores.

Of course you talk to them before you kick them out, especially if the son has MH issues due to his dads death. Sit them both down and tell them how much money you need for them both to be able to stay with you and what you want them to do around the house. If they don't agree/don't do it then they can choose to leave.

Is she making enough effort to find a job? The answer to that would influence whether I kick her out or not.

Basic communication is not endless pandering. Of course it needs discussing.
It's ridiculous not to have a conversation first. I mean, what would that look like?

Op would appear unhinged following half the advice on here, storming in to the son's bedroom, waking up the gf (if she is actually asleep, could be job hunting on her phone for all we know) and telling her she has to leave immediately while son is at work without a word of notice beforehand??

Give her a list of chores to do to earn her keep and keep her busy. Ask her if she needs any help job hunting, doing her CV, etc. She may just be laying in bed because she feels uncomfortable being there not working so might just be keeping out of your way?

Basic communication is not endless pandering

She's 23...if she doesn't realise that living for free in someone else's house whilst not working or helping with chores is unacceptable, then there's pretty much no hope.

This is not uncommon. He sounds as if he's unable or unwilling to challenge her, for whatever reason. At 22, this may or may not be a serious relationship. Either way, although you clearly don't want to lose the company of your son, her behaviour is unacceptable.

I wouldn't over-discuss this with them. You just need to decide the following and then inform them of your decision.

Do you still want her in your house?

If so:

How much rent will completely cover your expenses?
What household chores would you like her to do on a regular basis?
Are there other activities you expect her to be involved in?

If not:

How much notice will you give her?

What is the ideal situation for you now? Are you still happy for her to live with you if she is productive in some way?

I would absolutely say that all three in the household are expected to contribute in both the running of the house and paying the bills.

If she can't contribute financially then your son should pay more or she should move out.

Make a list of all the household chores and divide them up. Obviously anyone not working a paid job should be doing more to run the house I.e. taking care of laundry and cooking or hoovering. Your son should be expected to pull his weight to. Tell her that if she wants to live with you she is part of the household. Languishing in her room all day isn't an option, she should be up and washed and looking for work or making some food for the evening meal or tidying up or whatever.

That's a ridiculous situation.
Why give consent at the first place?

Explain to him that you agreed to the living arrangement on the basis she was employed and you would still have the opportunity to have time alone in your home. Say that given the change in circumstances you think it’s best you give her a month’s notice to move out of your home.