My 22 year old Son

[ElizabethHoward]

My 22 year old son works full-time. He has recently moved his girlfriend into my home with my consent. She started a new job and finished after three weeks. She is now lying in bed all day and has no money coming in. I lost my husband, my son's dad to a fatal heart attack in front of us two years ago. He has had mental health issues which is understandable. But now I find myself in a situation where he is going to work full time and his girlfriend is lying in bed all day. I take a small amount of money off him and she has paid me 150 pound for the three months she has been living in my home. Neither of them contribute to the daily chores so I am on my own. I would appreciate any guidance. Generally I would ask my elder children but I don't want to put them in a position that would damage there relationship with their youngest brother. Kind regards.

I know it is not easy but you do need to sit down and hold a discussion about this.

Firstly you need to decide what it is you want - girlfriend out? - financial contributions? - help with chores?

If you decide you are agreeable to them living with you they need to be equal partners in the running of the home. GF can get benefits if she is unemployed and the bulk of that needs to go to you for rent/food etc. Tell them you are not prepared to wait on them and discuss who does what.

It is not just about these practical issues though - it is an invasion of your space and may be standing in the way of you building a new life following your bereavement. I remember when I had to have live-in carers for my OH and I did not feel at home in my home. They were nice enough people, but not my people and had different personalities and were not who I would have chosen to share my home with.

The only way forward is openness and discussion of what YOU want, once you have clarified that in your mind - it is after all your home.

Did you not discuss the household rules with them both before she moved in? That if she's there she (and your son) need to take responsibility physically and financially for certain things. Have that discussion now if not.

Don't talk to them together Op, your DS might feel the need to defend her and it could all blow up. Talk to him alone, be kind but say this isn't what you agreed to, either his GF gets another job or she needs to leave.
Your DS has MH issues already, his GF isn't helping him by becoming a burden to you both

I did not suggested storming in. It should not need a discussion, a 23 year old adult should know that food and heating does not appear by magic. What sort of adult moves into someone's home and does not say: how can help? What rent should I pay? If you need to actually point this out to them, I I give up!

Good lord, you have to put an end to this now, not just her lazing about but the pair of them doing sod all chores. Yes your son is processing grief and shock but so are you, time to stop making excuses for him. Tell them to pay up and do their share of chores, tell her she has to be up by 8am and paying her way by the end of the month or it is time to go.
Yes your son may move out but you will be fine.

Stop being a pushover.

set a correct amount of rent for both of them.

don’t do their food shopping, cook their meals or wash their clothes. Let them know this is all down to them.

if they don’t like it they can leave.

I’m amazed the GF thinks this is acceptable - it’s one thing to loll about your parent’s house (not OK, but it is to be assumed that your parents still love you unconditionally) and quite another to do it in someone else’s. It will end in tears - you need to tell your son that you took on his GF on the understanding that she had a job and that, I presume, sooner or later they would both be in a position to leave - but that she cannot stay at yours and just stay in bed all day, or indeed just hang around the house. I’m afraid she needs to go.