Boyfriends group chat

[Darlista]

My boyfriend and father to my child is in a group chat with a few of his male friends. In this group chat is typical 'lad' (🤮) behaviour - crude jokes, nude photos of naked wrestler women but also photos of their family and wrestling chat. None of this affects me in any way, other than it's a bit immature.
What does bother me is that every now and again, the other boys will send current photos of women my boyfriend has had history with, into the chat, usually making fun of them.
My boyfriend doesn't respond to these messages, only responds to the wrestling ones. But am I unreasonable to think that it's disrespectful to be in there and not remove himself, or even just pull them up on why they are sending these photos of these women ? There are none from women in hus friends history.
He thinks I'm out of order because I'm angry at him, weve got in an argument, and because he's protesting he's in the right I've called him a few names in frustration. Am I out of order here? I'm happy to accept this if the majority agree!

Just to add, I’m also unhappy about the ‘jokes’ the post about these women, without their knowledge.

They'll be doing it cos your DH has revealed in the past that he doesnt hide the group chat from you. Banter, innit?

This. Judge a man by the company he keeps

My DH has a group chat a bit like this one. Some grotesque things are put on there. I never look at it and my DH doesn’t engage much.

But it is important for my DH to stay on it as it’s not all awful shit. Like your DH’s, it’s also full of family updates etc. My DH stays on it because these are his friends he grew up with and were a huge part of his life once upon a time. We live far away now and he doesn’t see any of them often but doesn’t want to lose touch despite their lives going in different directions.

I wouldn’t make him leave the chat OP. He hasn’t done anything wrong. I just wouldn’t look at it if I were you. I also made my DH put the chat into “locked chats” in WhatsApp in case my kids were ever on his phone.

Men use the word nagging to oppress women and control them from setting boundaries/calling them to account when they do shitty things

Sounds like it's a WhatsApp group that is based on objectifying and ridiculing women.

Grim. Lots of men might do that - doesn't make it any less grim

Yeah it's all so juvenile and gross, but sadly think a lot of them do it.
I've had a look at group chats boyfriends do and it's all geeky/hobby stuff. Though I was once with someone in the early stages of a relationship who sent me a screenshot of his friends chat and they were sharing different porn photos of women. He sent me it to show a joke he made thinking it was funny, not realising that I would end up ending contract over seeing he was in chats like that.

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Making him leave the chat is daft, he's done nothing wrong aside from being old friends with men who occasionally act like dickheads. Are you also going to insist you accompany him every time he sees any friends in person, just to check their conversation is up to your standards?

I would completely understand if they were posting photos of you, or your child, but they're not. They're discussing people they know but you don't.

No its not hiding stuff... because another person's phone is not yours.
So not showing it to a partner if they ask is just a healthy relationship boundary.

Asking to see someone elses phone in the name of trust / love / honestly / the relationship / whatever other bullshit concept you choose to dress it up as... is harmful and invasive. To push the point to look at someone phone is highly controlling, dangerously manipulative and erodes trust.

You have the right to privacy in any relationship.
You have the right to keep a part of your life secret, no matter how trivial or how important, for the sole reason that you want to. Just see on MN the wailing of teeth that occurs when a male partner asks about how many people she's slept with in the past... the overwhelming answer is don't tell him because its not relevant and and tell him to mind his own business and never ask you that question again.

If a partner wanted to see my phone / look into my chat groups... ffs I would honestly laugh in their face!
If they then saw this as a 'problem with our relationship'... I'd solve that for them pretty quickly by showing them the door.

Hiya honey
Your not in the wrong l, I think its more that he should respect you enough to say to his mates "enough of the ex's photos" they are his past and should stay thay way, instead of rubbed in your face. Men are children which is completely fine, I'd be more worried about how his mates have naked photos of his ex's because that's shit if he's sent them round his mates, during or even after they've split. I'd be concerned that he could do the same with photos of you. So instead of arguing just ask him if this was your ex's and your mates were always sending photos and discussing only ppl you'd dated before him, how would he feel? Everyone has a past, of course and that isn't your issue, it's a different matter altogether when they are basically been rubbed in your face and more to the point, in his facewhich is a reminder that neither of you need in the present!. Hope this helps, I'm sure you'll be okay.
Relationship's x

i agree with OP, in my experience this is not typical ‘lads’ behaviour. I have many male friends and have always had a wide circle of men as part of my friend group going out etc. Married now >20years, but honestly, never have any one of these men behaved like that. They all stand up for women, actually for everyone especially those that might be a bit vulnerable. I don’t think they’re unusual. They’re good guys, who are kind and funny. That’s what you should be looking for in a partner.

I thought you were going to say it is disrespectful to these other girl, which it is, but why are you bothered about the past, everyone has one.

Seriously?? They sound about 16

YABU. You are angry at him for someone else sending him a message you don't like. Don't give it a moments thought and get on with things. If you kept talking to him about it, you do sound very nagging.

Most of the 17 year olds I know are far nicer and more respectful of women than this.

The worst would be their dad's generation.

I agree with this.

My husband is in plenty of group chats. I have absolutely no idea what goes on in any of them and have no interest in knowing either.

How do you know about this ? Are you looking through his phone ? If you are why are you doing that. It can’t be to see this mental midgets group chat.

They could be doing this to get a rise out of him and if they know you’re looking through his phone it might be to get a rise out of you.

Personally I’d stop looking through his phone. No ultimates or instructions about what he should do. He’s a big boy and it’s his choice.

You’ve told him how you feel about and if he keeps engaging in this then he doesn’t care about your feeling or respect you and you need to change your relationship accordingly.

That feels cold but you deserve better and you shouldn’t have to beg for it.

You are controlling though by making him leave a group chat with his friends. And by assuming he can dictate what his friends post in the chat you're showing that you think controlling behaviour is normal and that everyone should do it

Another example of men being stopped from the fun and jokes and lads banter by a controlling boring woman.....
Or....
another example of the childish disrespectful misogynistic exploitative shite that men think is funny and then use against women when the woman try to call it out.

If you wouldn't accept it for your child or your sister or your friend.....

You're not the problem