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Original poster

Should I bring her along to my coffee meet up?

39 replies

Bubblesinmytea77 · 07/01/2025 21:59

Hi everyone just wanted some advice on this situation. I have 2 Ds and the oldest one (20) has a girlfriend (21) he’s been with for about a year. We will call his girlfriend Alice (name changed), Alice was in social services care growing up which meant she moved a lot so didn’t go to school and she has some mental health conditions which saw her sectioned in a mental health unit when she was 16 for a year too. The result of this is she basically has no friends or family so if she doesn’t see my DS or come to my house she will be alone all day. Alice is a lovely girl so this makes me feel sad for her and I would like to see her with more friends as she has spoken to me before about having no girlfriends to do girly stuff with.
My Dsis has 3 children 2 of which are girls ages 17&23. I arranged a visit so I could bring Alice to meet them hoping they might make friends but I believe they added each other on social media but that’s all. Alice told me after that they are nice and she would be friends with them but she didn’t know what to talk about with them as they didn’t have much in common.

Now I go to a weekly coffee meet up with some of my friends and I also go to a hobby class and meet up with some of the people from that a couple of times a month. All the people are 40+. I suggested to my son I might bring Alice along with me to next week’s meet up after I told them how she’s quite lonely and they suggested bring her. I feel like Alice would like it as she has told me before she gets on better with older women as that’s who mostly cared for her throughout her life so she feels like she fits in better with them. However my son has told me I shouldn’t bring her to a “granny brigade meeting” (Only 1 of my friends is a granny!) and said she might feel out of place and awkward and that she’s fine with just us, I tried to explain that she doesn’t really go anywhere to make new friends so atleast this provides a opportunity for her to chat to some other women and make connections if she wants to. My son said she will probably just come because I’ve asked her not because she wants to and now I’m in 2 minds of asking her to come because I don’t want her to feel forced but I do truly want to help her make friends and be less lonely.

OP posts:
msmatcha · 07/01/2025 22:23

Absolutely take her, would be a lovely thing to do. Women of all ages get along and have things in common.

Anonymous2003 · 07/01/2025 22:47

Definitely offer to take her :)

StormingNorman · 07/01/2025 22:50

I’m think it’s a lovely suggestion to invite her along. She has told you she gets along with older women better so just ignore DS!

Pepla · 07/01/2025 22:50

What strikes me here is how hostile your DS is to the idea. Does he prefer his girlfriend to be lonely, socially isolated and have no one but him in her life?

You mention Alive being alone all day if she doesn’t see your DS or go to your house — doesn’t she work, or study?

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 07/01/2025 22:50

OP you are so kind. Absolutely offer to take her.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 07/01/2025 22:51

Pepla · 07/01/2025 22:50

What strikes me here is how hostile your DS is to the idea. Does he prefer his girlfriend to be lonely, socially isolated and have no one but him in her life?

You mention Alive being alone all day if she doesn’t see your DS or go to your house — doesn’t she work, or study?

I'm sure it's more the typical embarrassment of parents at that age and not him wanting her to be alone

beetr00 · 07/01/2025 22:56

sorry @Bubblesinmytea77 you're obviously very kind but in this instance definitely overly invested.

BBQPete · 07/01/2025 22:59

I also think you are very over invested.

What happens to all these connections you are forcing, when they break up ?

Does she not work, or study ?
I might try and find something where she might be able to connect with other young people. I think your ds has a point.
What about looking out for Princes Trust in your area, or other things that will help her move into adult life, without depending on you.

Speckly · 07/01/2025 23:00

Maybe you could throw it out there without expecting an immediate response so she can mull over the idea… “If you ever fancy coming for coffee with my friends or coming with me to my hobby group, just let me know. You’d be more than welcome! I do realise we might be a bit old for you though” <said with a laugh> That way the invitation is out there but nobody feels pressured.

Wibblywobblybobbly · 07/01/2025 23:00

It's Alice's opinion that matters here, not your DS's. Invite her but make it absolutely clear you won't mind in the slightest if it's not her thing. Job done.

murasaki · 07/01/2025 23:02

Maybe the hobby people and your friends might not welcome a random 23 year old?

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 07/01/2025 23:05

Your son is 20. This is too much.

Help her to make her own friends, build her own hobbies.

Don't make her dependant on your family for everything.

LadyQuackBeth · 07/01/2025 23:08

Maybe your DS is not 100% sure about the relationship and isn't keen on your life and hers becoming too entwined. As he's not keen, I'd leave that idea.

If they split up she might lose her BF, substitute family and new friendship group all at once. That's also a lot of pressure on DS not to split up.

However, you can help her make friends of her own, look for groups for her to join or help her get a job that's quite sociable.

BoTimic · 07/01/2025 23:12

I'd be really worried if a son of mine had a girlfriend who didn't have anyone else in their lives apart from my son. That's a huge burden for a young lad to have to carry. I'd be nervous that your son is going to end up feeling responsible for his girlfriend. If he ends up wanting to break up with her that might be infinitely more difficult than it might be if his girlfriend had more people in her life.

Does she socialise with your son's friends? Surely that would be better than hanging out with your friends.

DarkDarkNight · 07/01/2025 23:19

What kind of area do you live in? I’m just wondering if she could try the Meet Up app for events in your area. That or look out for local exercise classes, hobby groups, social clubs. It’s a nice offer to bring her along, but her meeting people independent of you may be better for her.

Onlyvisiting · 07/01/2025 23:23

Bubblesinmytea77 · 07/01/2025 21:59

Hi everyone just wanted some advice on this situation. I have 2 Ds and the oldest one (20) has a girlfriend (21) he’s been with for about a year. We will call his girlfriend Alice (name changed), Alice was in social services care growing up which meant she moved a lot so didn’t go to school and she has some mental health conditions which saw her sectioned in a mental health unit when she was 16 for a year too. The result of this is she basically has no friends or family so if she doesn’t see my DS or come to my house she will be alone all day. Alice is a lovely girl so this makes me feel sad for her and I would like to see her with more friends as she has spoken to me before about having no girlfriends to do girly stuff with.
My Dsis has 3 children 2 of which are girls ages 17&23. I arranged a visit so I could bring Alice to meet them hoping they might make friends but I believe they added each other on social media but that’s all. Alice told me after that they are nice and she would be friends with them but she didn’t know what to talk about with them as they didn’t have much in common.

Now I go to a weekly coffee meet up with some of my friends and I also go to a hobby class and meet up with some of the people from that a couple of times a month. All the people are 40+. I suggested to my son I might bring Alice along with me to next week’s meet up after I told them how she’s quite lonely and they suggested bring her. I feel like Alice would like it as she has told me before she gets on better with older women as that’s who mostly cared for her throughout her life so she feels like she fits in better with them. However my son has told me I shouldn’t bring her to a “granny brigade meeting” (Only 1 of my friends is a granny!) and said she might feel out of place and awkward and that she’s fine with just us, I tried to explain that she doesn’t really go anywhere to make new friends so atleast this provides a opportunity for her to chat to some other women and make connections if she wants to. My son said she will probably just come because I’ve asked her not because she wants to and now I’m in 2 minds of asking her to come because I don’t want her to feel forced but I do truly want to help her make friends and be less lonely.

How about you AND your son stop making plans for her behind her back and just ask her if she fancies coming along?
Tbh if I was her and knew you'd been gossiping about how I was lonely and had no friends and got a pity invite I'd be mortified and go crawl in a hole.

pizzaHeart · 07/01/2025 23:26

I wouldn’t bring her.
Im a strong believer in not putting all eggs in one basket. So I agree with PPs that in case of break up Alice might lose too much and it might be quite awkward for you and your friendship group. And there is a possibility of break up.

I would also consider that your son actually expressed Alice’s opinion. It might be, just might be that you were so enthusiastic about her coming with you that Alice couldn’t refuse.

ViciousCurrentBun · 08/01/2025 00:01

As much as people with MH conditions need support and you are choosing as an individual to do this and that’s great. Is it right to make you and your extended circle the centre of her life?

I really adored DS GF, no issues with MH issues, she had lots of friends and a full life but we did quite a lot together. They broke up last month and it is far too awkward to stay in touch. Now both DS and her are very stable young people that both grew up in very supportive environments so it’s about as good as a break up can be.

To be sectioned and be in a MH unit for a year is a very long time she must have incredibly complex MH issues. So be a friend but the chances of them breaking up and that’s nothing to do with her MH issues are so high at this age that if she becomes very dependant on you and a network through you then you could unwittingly trigger a MH crisis when they very probably break up and that network is suddenly withdrawn. Because it may just be too awkward to stay in touch.

ViolinsPlayGentlyOn · 08/01/2025 00:05

murasaki · 07/01/2025 23:02

Maybe the hobby people and your friends might not welcome a random 23 year old?

This was my first thought.

If you are going to ask her, please check with the people you’re meeting with that they’re OK with it.

Tweeteroo · 08/01/2025 00:07

That's an extraordinarily kind and compassionate thing to offer. I had a very troubled upbringing and a stable, caring adult in my life may very well have changed the trajectory of my life.

amber763 · 08/01/2025 00:09

Yes you should take her. You sound absolutely lovely!

Itiswhysofew · 08/01/2025 00:10

ViolinsPlayGentlyOn · 08/01/2025 00:05

This was my first thought.

If you are going to ask her, please check with the people you’re meeting with that they’re OK with it.

Show quote history

OP has told them and they suggested bringing Alice along. I think that's correct?

Itiswhysofew · 08/01/2025 00:15

You're being very kind to Alice. Suggest it to her, tell her to have a think about it and let you know, no pressure. DS will surely understand that Alice might quite like the company of older women, and'll probably benefit from it😊

ViolinsPlayGentlyOn · 08/01/2025 00:16

Itiswhysofew · 08/01/2025 00:10

OP has told them and they suggested bringing Alice along. I think that's correct?

Show quote history

Ah, I missed that bit.

In which case that’s not an issue, but I echo what others have said about not making Alice overreliant on you. Perhaps find a different group you could both go along to with the intention of stepping away from that group once Alice is established there.

Kitkatcatflap · 08/01/2025 00:24

I think you should be encouraging her to do something else. It's a really kind offer but there is such an age difference and if it's a weekly meet up or could get awkward.

Can you suggest she does some sort of volunteering - maybe with animals or kids. Something she can meet other people but there is a focus on something socialising.

Or so a class at gym etc. Yoga, dance - is Zumba still a thing?