Should I bring her along to my coffee meet up?

[Bubblesinmytea77]

Hi everyone just wanted some advice on this situation. I have 2 Ds and the oldest one (20) has a girlfriend (21) he’s been with for about a year. We will call his girlfriend Alice (name changed), Alice was in social services care growing up which meant she moved a lot so didn’t go to school and she has some mental health conditions which saw her sectioned in a mental health unit when she was 16 for a year too. The result of this is she basically has no friends or family so if she doesn’t see my DS or come to my house she will be alone all day. Alice is a lovely girl so this makes me feel sad for her and I would like to see her with more friends as she has spoken to me before about having no girlfriends to do girly stuff with.
My Dsis has 3 children 2 of which are girls ages 17&23. I arranged a visit so I could bring Alice to meet them hoping they might make friends but I believe they added each other on social media but that’s all. Alice told me after that they are nice and she would be friends with them but she didn’t know what to talk about with them as they didn’t have much in common.

Now I go to a weekly coffee meet up with some of my friends and I also go to a hobby class and meet up with some of the people from that a couple of times a month. All the people are 40+. I suggested to my son I might bring Alice along with me to next week’s meet up after I told them how she’s quite lonely and they suggested bring her. I feel like Alice would like it as she has told me before she gets on better with older women as that’s who mostly cared for her throughout her life so she feels like she fits in better with them. However my son has told me I shouldn’t bring her to a “granny brigade meeting” (Only 1 of my friends is a granny!) and said she might feel out of place and awkward and that she’s fine with just us, I tried to explain that she doesn’t really go anywhere to make new friends so atleast this provides a opportunity for her to chat to some other women and make connections if she wants to. My son said she will probably just come because I’ve asked her not because she wants to and now I’m in 2 minds of asking her to come because I don’t want her to feel forced but I do truly want to help her make friends and be less lonely.

My wife is a youth worker and many of the young people she works with are care leavers.

Her project's remit is to provide support to yp aged 11-25 so your son's gf will meet that criteria.

I know in many areas youth work services have been decimated but it will be worth you doing some research to find out if there is a support system available.

Her MH.history should open doors to some kind of support though it's not easy to find.

You are so kind to welcome her but like pp I would say, proceed with caution.

Take her!!! Mumsnet proves older and younger women can have a LOT to talk about together. And keep an eye on that - him trying to stop her from blossoming out and making new friends might need dealing with. He does not get to say where she goes or who she sees. I know he's your son - but eyes open.

I wouldn't take her.

If she's not able to take steps to socialise on her own, this just enables her.

Maybe suggest things she can do on her own without you or DS, so she builds hey own social life independent of your family.

There are quite a few Facebook groups, some to make friends and some around specific hobbies/interests.

I say this from experience, as I've been on 2 getaways with ladies I just met in August last year. 2 more planned for this year and a few meet ups in between have happened.

He's not trying to stop her making new friends. Just trying to stop his mother becoming completely enmeshed in a relationship with someone he is going out with.

Of course people from different age groups can get on really well, have lots to talk about, and even become friends, but that generally comes around a common interest or hobby rather than your boyfriends mother taking you for coffee with her friends. If the OP wants to help and support 'Alice', there are better ways to do it than this.

Your too involved.

She's your son's girlfriend not yours.

I would encourage her to work, study, volunteer, go to an exercise class, join a gym, join a club, go to the library, etc. You can do many of these things with her but I think I would focus on enabling her to make her own friends rather than making your friends her friends.

I think it’s a lovely idea and you sound very kind, but it is probably overstepping. If you ask her, she may well feel obliged to agree because it would be awkward for her to say no. But introducing her to women in their 40s is not going to fix the problems she has which are probably deep and complex. I wouldn’t try to be her friend, because that isn’t your role. Your role is to support your son and of course to be a caring and supportive person for his partner, but with appropriate boundaries.

Perhaps just be mindful that they’re young and the relationship might not last. DS may well be feeling pressured into staying with her against his wishes if she’s very intertwined with you and your social kife

You sound too involved and you seem to be taking on responsibilities that are more appropriate for a mother/daughter relationship than a son's mother / son's girlfriend one.

I too agree that your son might be actually expressing his girlfriend's opinions and your insistence is of course well-intentioned but might be awkward for the girlfriend to say no to. Particularly if she struggles with social skills.

Put the offer out there and let her take it up or not. Don't explain, don't try to persuade. And if your offers keep getting rejected, take the hint.

I think that this is too risky because you and your family/friends being all that she has makes her very vulnerable and they are still very young. Who knows if they will still be together in a few months. Being so incorporated in your lives could stop her from leaving your son though if she wanted to and it would make her absolutely devestated if he left her and took it all away from her again.

I think you can encourage her to spread her wings and give her ideas of where/how to do that but she needs to have a life that is separate from yours and your son's too.

This is going to end in disaster.

Do you honestly think they will be together forever.

Her whole life depends on you and your son.

You've been amazing to her but I'd worry what will happen when they break up.

Sorry not an answer to your question.

It is amazing to think of her but I think it would be better to find her opportunities for her own age / interests and support her in going to these. You are building her into your family and her whole life will collapse if your son and her break up. She needs to be independent from you.

Have you got a local MIND? They have groups for people that she might enjoy. While your intentions are good I also would be a bit wary of getting too involved here.

Very kind but I don't think making friends with your friends will really help her much.
Its too complicated with her relationship with your son. Do you really want you or your friends to hear all her issues with your son?