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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do i feel like reporting was wrong

37 replies

Strawberryshortcake28 · 07/01/2025 20:56

Long story short my ex husband blackmailed me via voice note he threatened to post sex tapes and indecent images of myself online if I took him for child support

I contacted the police for advice they listened to the voice notes and as they were so abusive they had to arrest him as a safe guarding measure and sieze his devices.

Why do I feel so bad I just want him to move on and be happy I can take abuse but I can't have that threat over my head. He's never been in trouble before I'm scared for him I'm afraid of what it will do to his mental health or if social services get involved I don't want him to stop contact with our child but will be difficult without a phone

OP posts:
LiamNeesonIsADerryGirl · 07/01/2025 21:03

Was he scared for you or worried about your mental health when he made those threats? Probably not. You did the right thing OP, please don't feel guilty about it or waste time worrying about him. Whatever happens to him is a direct consequence of his own actions.

Catza · 07/01/2025 21:03

If he had a y concerns about his mental health, he should have thought about it before making threats. I don't see how it is something you should worry about. Actions have consequences and he is a big enough boy to know it.

ArseyVarsey · 07/01/2025 21:07

He is an abuser.
He’s a deadbeat dad. I wouldn’t want a man who is capable of such behaviour anywhere near a child.
And refusing child support?
He tried to blackmail you.
He deserves everything he gets. Big time.
He chose the behaviours. Now he can live with the consequences.

PullTheBricksDown · 07/01/2025 21:08

It wasn't wrong to report. Fathers who threaten and blackmail the children's mother aren't good fathers. Don't be scared for him, look what he did to you!

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake28 · 07/01/2025 21:08

He cried down the phone to my parents saying how lonely he is so this would add to it though he has met someone else I don't want it to affect his new relationship or contact with our child I want him to be happy but don't trust him with the images

OP posts:
Raquelos · 07/01/2025 21:08

Fuck him. He's not your friend or your partner, he's a threatening, abusive man who tried to scare you so he wouldn't have to pay towards his own children. Don't give him another thought (easy to say I know). Your focus needs to be on you and your kids, you are not responsible for him and his shitty actions.

FionnulaTheCooler · 07/01/2025 21:10

He's a scumbag and I wouldn't waste any energy on worrying about his " mental health" he certainly wasn't worried about yours.

BertieBotts · 07/01/2025 21:10

It is very common to feel this way, you mustn't blame yourself.

What he did was wrong and it's the right thing to report it. But it can be very difficult to go through when you feel a sense of responsibility to your ex, which many women do.

Can you google and see if you have a sexual abuse charity/organisation in your area? They often offer free support for anyone who has reported a crime in any way relating to sexual abuse (which this is) and they are so well trained and really get it, including all the tangled up relationship stuff.

I would gently suggest you report this post and ask for it to be moved to Relationships as well. I think some AIBU respondents will be so keen for you to understand that you have done nothing wrong that they will inadvertantly make you feel worse. It is so hard to leave an abusive relationship and a huge part of that is having seen a vulnerable side of the abuser and it can be difficult when everyone is making out he is a monster.

Reporting him and having him be held accountable is the right thing to do to keep you and your child safe. You are doing brilliantly.

TeenLifeMum · 07/01/2025 21:11

It’s because he’s conditioned you to feel sorry for him and take the blame. He is to blame for HIS actions. Had he not behaved this way you wouldn’t be speaking to the police but he made the choice so this is on him. Remind yourself this - his choices have consequences.

Jellycatspyjamas · 07/01/2025 21:12

He cried down the phone to my parents saying how lonely he is so this would add to it though he has met someone else I don't want it to affect his new relationship or contact with our child I want him to be happy but don't trust him with the images

It’s widely known that revenge porn is an offence. He chose his behaviours to control and abuse you, and the consequences of that are his to carry. If it affects his new relationship, impacts access to his child, means he can’t have a phone, wrecks his mental health it’s all on him.

Brefugee · 07/01/2025 21:13

Strawberryshortcake28 · 07/01/2025 21:08

He cried down the phone to my parents saying how lonely he is so this would add to it though he has met someone else I don't want it to affect his new relationship or contact with our child I want him to be happy but don't trust him with the images

did you tell your parents what he threatened you with?

There's a thread running at the moment asking if a pp should send nude pics to her boyfriend.

This is one of the reasons my answer would always be "no" - you have no idea how cuntish some men can turn out to be

Cerealkiller4U · 07/01/2025 21:13

Strawberryshortcake28 · 07/01/2025 20:56

Long story short my ex husband blackmailed me via voice note he threatened to post sex tapes and indecent images of myself online if I took him for child support

I contacted the police for advice they listened to the voice notes and as they were so abusive they had to arrest him as a safe guarding measure and sieze his devices.

Why do I feel so bad I just want him to move on and be happy I can take abuse but I can't have that threat over my head. He's never been in trouble before I'm scared for him I'm afraid of what it will do to his mental health or if social services get involved I don't want him to stop contact with our child but will be difficult without a phone

Because of control.

you really need to be gentle on yourself love. Look how far you’ve come ♥️♥️

nonbinaryfinery · 07/01/2025 21:14

Strawberryshortcake28 · 07/01/2025 21:08

He cried down the phone to my parents saying how lonely he is so this would add to it though he has met someone else I don't want it to affect his new relationship or contact with our child I want him to be happy but don't trust him with the images

Good! He sounds like a right nasty piece of work who's about to get what he deserves.

YourHappyJadeEagle · 07/01/2025 21:14

I’m guessing this isn’t the first time he’s used emotional abuse. He’s conditioned you over the years and that’s why you feel sorry for him, guilty he might do himself harm etc…. His crying to your parents, to my mind, confirms this —- poor me, I’m not a bad person, like me or you’ll feel very, very guilty.
He’s your ex for a reason. He’s an adult and takes responsibility for himself , just as you take responder your own actions.
You did exactly the right thing reporting him.
And I do understand how you feel. I had a husband who threatened suicide when he couldn’t get his own way and threatened to ruin my career.
Please see a good counsellor, contact Women’s Aid for advice. Talking will help.

Cerealkiller4U · 07/01/2025 21:14

You didn’t do it. He did. His actions got him in trouble. Not you.

JennyTals · 07/01/2025 21:17

You did the right thing
stopped him before you could share the pics and vids and get himself in deeper trouble

GCITC · 07/01/2025 21:44

You feel like it's wrong because that's how you have been conditioned to feel.

He is obviously abusive and manipulative.

You need to put you and your child first. Think about his happiness as much as he thinks about yours.

SharpOpalNewt · 07/01/2025 21:48

nonbinaryfinery · 07/01/2025 21:14

Good! He sounds like a right nasty piece of work who's about to get what he deserves.

Show quote history

I hope your parents gave him a piece of their minds. The temerity of the man to phone and complain to them!

Pepla · 07/01/2025 21:49

He did all of this to himself. You are not to blame for any of it.

lto2019 · 07/01/2025 22:40

He is an abuser and a blackmailer - anything that happens to him is a direct result of his own actions. If he is unhappy with the outcome he should have thought about the consequences of blackmail.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake28 · 07/01/2025 22:54

Any knowledge on social services would they stop contact

OP posts:
Endofyear · 07/01/2025 23:16

Stop feeling sorry for him. He's an adult who made the choice to be abusive and threatening towards you and is now having to deal with the consequences of his actions. Hopefully he'll learn the lesson not to do it again.

You are NOT responsible for anything that is happening to him now - he is. Your responsibility is to take care of yourself and your child and make sure that this abusive man doesn't have any influence in your life from now on.

OurDreamLife · 07/01/2025 23:23

He’s a vile piece of shit to threaten you. Do not feel sorry or guilty because he will only care that he’s been caught.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 07/01/2025 23:28

His problem, not yours. You did the right thing.

JohnSt1 · 07/01/2025 23:30

He must suffer the consequences of his actions.