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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dating as plus size

35 replies

Lonelylass90 · 07/01/2025 18:47

I am currently a size 16-18. I am trying to lose weight and get fit and don’t really use the dating apps, but I’ve matched with this guy who seems really lovely. We are texting every day and I’m just getting a really nice vibe from him.

However I think he’s out of my league and I am worried when he sees me he’s going to think I am fat and not be interested. Some of the pictures on my profile are a few years old when I was slimmer and I don’t have a full body picture.

I just wish I was slim and wasn’t so self conscious about meeting him. Any words of advice?

OP posts:
HeeleighWay · 07/01/2025 18:50

Don't want to sound harsh but your photos shouldn't be of something you're not. That's misleading. Talking from someone who has also not long ago been a 16-18 but have since lost the weight.

XmasSocks · 07/01/2025 18:50

Tell him before you meet?
Im also ‘plus size’ but would make sure the person knew my size within afew msgs so not to waste everyones time

Any photos on dating sites should be recent for this reason

mardirousse · 07/01/2025 18:50

update your profile with a recent full body picture (clothed) and send one to him too.
`Men are into all types, just like we are.
He probably just genuinely likes you, if he doesn't, you're better off without, just carry on.

PonyPatter44 · 07/01/2025 18:51

Well I was a fat fat fatty (size 18 at 5ft) when I met Mr Pony, and he didn't seem to mind. I was a solid size 16 when I split from my exH and spent the next couple of years having a lot of fun with a variety of men.

If this man is only keen on skinny women, then so be it. If he sees you're a lovely, funny, decent person, he won't give a monkeys about what the size label in your jeans says. He'll care about the woman in them. Hope you have a great time.

Errors · 07/01/2025 18:52

You need to subtly let him know your size OP. Better to know if he will still be interested now than wait until you have met.

FWIW, if he decides not to meet you just because of that reason when you’re getting on so well then he is an arse

Flossyflop · 07/01/2025 18:52

A few things here:

  1. You should be using currentish photos so you’re not misleading anyone and then you won’t need to worry about that part.
  2. You have two choices:

a) Date with the body you have now and OWN IT!

b) Lose weight first then go dating. But you can’t wish yourself slim. If you’re unhappy then you need to put the work in.

Regarding the current date, maybe give it a go if you’ve been getting on? Remember if someone isn’t attracted to you it doesn’t mean anything, it’s not a reflection of you, it’s their personal choice. All that matters is that you feel good in your own skin.

LadyTable · 07/01/2025 18:52

Regardless of your weight, you should have up to date photos on your profile, surely?

MoleAndBadger · 07/01/2025 18:52

I don't believe in a league to be honest.

I do think that your photos should be up to date though. It's not fair to mislead someone. It just wastes everyone's time if the info on your profile isn't accurate.

ChoppedLivers · 07/01/2025 18:55

Errors · 07/01/2025 18:52

You need to subtly let him know your size OP. Better to know if he will still be interested now than wait until you have met.

FWIW, if he decides not to meet you just because of that reason when you’re getting on so well then he is an arse

Is he? I wouldn’t want to date an obese man as I wouldn’t be sexually attracted to one. I don’t think that makes me “an arse”.

Getting on well with someone is great for friendships but when dating people are looking for sexual attraction and are allowed to have visual preferences.

LadyTable · 07/01/2025 18:55

I think a very common complaint from online daters I know, seems to be out of date photos or very heavily filtered.

BobbyBiscuits · 07/01/2025 18:56

I'd say you should show him a more recent photo before you meet. It's not really fair to use old pics where you really are a very different size and look. He will be put off by that. Not your looks, but the dishonestly of it.
You don't want to go out with someone who's actively anti slightly bigger people. So better to know in advance.
Id hope he'd still think you're attractive regardless of your size and if he doesn't then he's not the right guy and pretty superficial.
But how would you feel if he was a totally different size, height, amount of hair etc to his photos? It would be unpleasant.

HeffalumpsAndWoozlesAreHoneyRobbingTwats · 07/01/2025 18:57

Can you ask to exchange a few more photos before you meet? Photos should probably be six months old-ish at the latest on a dating website. If you're getting on well, perhaps exchange a couple more?

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 07/01/2025 19:00

Send him an up to date photo before you meet.

Original poster
Lonelylass90 · 07/01/2025 19:01

I did send him a mirror photo of me from Christmas time but obviously I did make myself look better with the angles in it. Was not edited though of course. He seemed to like it.

OP posts:
DelicateSoundOfEchos · 07/01/2025 19:05

Why do you have photos on your profile that don't represent who you actually are? I daresay if a man did that you'd be quite annoyed by it?

I think you're setting yourself up for disappointment by being disingenuous.

ZipCode · 07/01/2025 19:05

Do a video call and don't angle the cam up or break up with him and work on yourself just stop catfishing.

LadyTable · 07/01/2025 19:06

Lonelylass90 · 07/01/2025 19:01

I did send him a mirror photo of me from Christmas time but obviously I did make myself look better with the angles in it. Was not edited though of course. He seemed to like it.

But you're not going to be able to 'make yourself look better with angles' on a date, so what's the point?

Send an honest, up to date photo and ask him to do the same.

Otherwise you could both be setting yourselves up to fail.

1smallhamsterfoot · 07/01/2025 19:06

Use accurate photos?!

IllustratedDictionaryOfTheDoldrums · 07/01/2025 19:08

Agree with others that you should update your photos so he's aware, just because it's best to show an accurate picture.
But as far as dating plus size goes, I spent years after my divorce avoiding starting dating because I was embarrassed about my size, but the moment I started, it became clear that it really wasn't an issue at all.
In my experience, there are a staggering amount of men who absolutely love bigger women. There's a real chance that he'll actually be thrilled if you turn up with more curves than he was expecting. Don't let it put you off.

Errors · 07/01/2025 19:14

Lonelylass90 · 07/01/2025 19:01

I did send him a mirror photo of me from Christmas time but obviously I did make myself look better with the angles in it. Was not edited though of course. He seemed to like it.

I think that’s fine then, personally. You have sent him an up to date pic and he’s still chatting to you so I don’t see the issue

Rubes24 · 07/01/2025 19:17

I think in general you should update your profile and have one full body pic on there. I'm sure you are absolutely beautiful and loads of men will want to date you. Better to just put it out there and the guys who fancy you will be the ones showing interest! Then you won't need to feel nervous about not being what they expect!
Ahead of this date you could do a couple of things:

  • update your watsaap pic to one that you like but is more recent
  • send him a pic of you doing an activity that you are discussing (ie ready for evening out). You don't have to make a big thing of saying you look different or have gained weight etc!
Nevermind31 · 07/01/2025 19:17

He may also have old pics on there from when he was slimmer/ more muscular/ younger/ had hair… he may have made himself taller…
how will you feel if he looks quite a bit different?

Liddlemoreaction · 07/01/2025 19:17

Sorry, but update your pics! Friend had gone to meet various blokes who had profile pics that showed hair but they’re now bald, or slim but they have beer bellies or dark hair who showed up looking like santa etc!
Using pictures that are 15 or 20 years out is going to cause you issues!

Ablondiebutagoody · 07/01/2025 19:18

I think that you are potentially causing a problem by only sharing misleading photos. If a guy did that to me I would be annoyed, no matter how much I liked chatting with him.

Doggymummar · 07/01/2025 19:21

When I was dating online (tinder) it had height and weight on it I think. I know I wrote on it 'a few pounds heavier than I wish ' as people commented on me being honest. I was an 18 at the time. How would you feel is the other person was significantly different. Shorter. Fatter, balder it's best to get honest