Is 6-8 months too soon to get engaged if you're mid 30s?

[Wooooah]

Or at least saying you want to be engaged soon?
If i were in my 20s I would definitely wait longer, no children on either side but both want children.
Don't want to fall into the pattern I did with my ex of living together for years with no commitment as he was never ready.

When I met my DH (both in 40s), we knew within 2-3 months we would be married and end our days together. We didn't get engaged "officially " until we were approaching our 1 yr anniversary, but we had chosen and bought the ring months before that, we didn't do the "he secrectly bought the ring and proposed" thing, we were discussing we decided a budget, I chose a design, we made our plans.

It's not about time, it's about red flags, how many are there? Seriously? are you patching over them to race to the altar?

Are you both on the same page, want the same things? Or are you at opposite ends of the spectrum on things like finances, does one want a 600 person fancy wedding and the other a 4 person registry do? Are both your finances in order or is one of you bringing 100k worth debt? These are all things to consider before "is it too soon?

It’s fairly obvious. Many people can hide who they really are for a while and not show their true self, so the longer you know them, the more likely you are to really know them. You see how they react and deal with more things that come up with the longer you’re with them.

Almost every relationship I’ve ever had has been really good and happy at the 6 month mark but less so as time went on for various reasons. One man got very mean with money after about a year, one got increasingly moody after about 10 months etc. A friends boyfriend was lovely until 18 months in, when he started being very jealous of her going out with friends and even of her successful career and started putting her down. These sorts of things often take longer than 6 months to show. My mum was pregnant with my brother within months of meeting my dad, he was apparently great af that point, yet turned out to be one of the most abusive men I know.

Of course anyone can turn out to be bad or just not for you if you have known them years, but knowing them for longer is sensible.

If you are having to ask this question, then I would say it’s too soon.

We lived together from about 4/5 months and moved into a place we bought together after 18 months and first DC arrived at the 2 year mark. Not married but in terms of making a committment I think your timescale is fine assuming you have spent a lot of time together and feel like you have had important conversations about how you want your future to be and I would suggest living together before actually getting married

By all means engagement but a long one. At least 2 years mostly living together before wedding or baby I'd say.

I met my DP on a blind date although we had chatted every day for two weeks before. We went for a walk and a cup of tea- I thought gosh he’s not my usual type but he’s nice, love his voice and he is jolly interesting and easy to talk to. So offered date 2. He talked a lot and asked a lot of questions and we agreed a date following weekend. He says this was the date he fell in love and knew he wanted to marry me. Date 3 was a show and I really fancied him but I wasn’t sure if he was interested. After the date I asked him if he was interested. He said yes. Date 4 was lunch, afternoon date, evening and dinner and kiss - I knew then he was my keeper. We slept together a couple of months later and that was that.

The feeling someone else put it better on another thread, so I’m going to steal their quote / it’s like a oh there you are - I’ve been looking for you and here you are. In my head.

DP has phoned when he said he would, turned up when he said he would, pulls more than his fair share of weight, he is kind, thoughtful, no drama and yet I fancy the pants off him. Always planning the future and stuff to do, reduces my mental load by 50% easily. Never rattles, never gets cross etc he was not playing any sort of game - I really like you, I love you etc

the answer depends on who the other person is. If you’ve met ‘’the one’’, then you can get engaged after the first date. If you met ‘the wrong one’, you may not learn their true character for a couple of years. 😉

The problem is that you won’t know if he’s the one or not for at least a year or 2, but in your 30s I would expect you to have quite good instincts and a good nose for red flags.

The ‘I just knew and we’re together and happy 30 years on’ people are demonstrating confirmation bias. I bet everyone on here who didn’t commit very young or without much experience could acknowledge at least one situation where ‘they just knew’ on the first date, and at six months or a year or two years, they’ve emerged as a total stranger you don’t much like.

Getting engaged is irrelevant, OP, but having a child with someone you barely know wpuld be deeply unwise, regardless of whether or not you’ve married them.

It's fine if you're both in love. You're still in the honeymoon phase but when you know you know.

You really don't need to wait until after you're married to try for a child though. Especially if you don't have the luxury of time on your body clock.

18 when I met my now husband, engaged within 9 months. If it’s right, you know. We’ve been together 22 years, married 17.

'Getting engaged is irrelevant, OP, but having a child with someone you barely know wpuld be deeply unwise, regardless of whether or not you’ve married them.'

Life has many risks. A bigger risk would be to wait a few year to have the child and your fertility has declined.

How silly. Anyone who has lived in the world or even read the Mn Relationships forum knows this isn’t true.

Better to have no child than have a child in a bad relationship.

We got engaged 2 weeks after we got together - married a few months later - been together now 25 years. Waited a few years to have kids though - getting married is easy to undo - until you have kids - they are the real commitment.

Wait until a crisis/proper challenging situation and see how you handle conflict.

I'd want to live with someone for at least a year before we decided if we were going to get married, regardless of age, personally. You learn a lot by living with someone.

Obviously there are plenty of times where it works out fine, but there are plenty that don't - a third of marriages end in divorce, so reasonably high odds it won't work out.

You can't 100% know whether you'll last as a couple forever regardless of if you got married 2 weeks or 10 years in - but there ARE some things you can learn before to help you know if you're at least capable of getting through the basics together. How someone behaves when they're ill, you're ill, how they handle when something goes wrong in your home or big life stuff happens or you have a blazing row and still have to live together, how you coexist in a shared space, what they're REALLY like about sharing domestic stuff, how they handle (semi-)shared finances that come with living together (and any disagreements), how they are during a period of real stress (or they are with you when you're really stressed). DH and I got married after a very long time together but by that point we'd been through numerous family deaths, car accidents, serious illnesses, a house flooding, plenty of arguments, all sorts - now hopefully the average person doesn't have all of these things happen, but it meant that I felt as sure as it's possible to be (which is to say you can never been 100%, but as close as!) that I felt happy to tie myself to him financially and legally.

If you want children, these things are even more important, I think. How can you possibly know he's going to be someone who'll have your back if you have horrendous PND or birth injuries or an ill child (god forbid all of those things happened of course) - or even just the trenches of babyrearing - if you don't even know how he handles a period of stress otherwise??

Maybe I'm overly cautious but I wouldn't be agreeing to marry someone I didn't know these things about and I can't see how you'd know these things in that short a time period.

Personally I think that's a little soon but everyone is different. I have friends who were engaged and married within the year, but my wife and I took 3 years. We met when I was 28 and she was 31. We got engaged after 2 years and married after 3. Our priority was buying a house together before this and luckily, we were able to save enough to buy a place together after 1.5 years and got engaged shortly after that.

I met DH when 24, got engaged after 6 months and weren't even living together yet. We got married 18 months later, it was our 15th wedding anniversary last year.

I don't think there's any right or wrong way to do things. I knew he was the one, nearly 17 years later I still feel the same as does he. We have 2 DC, own our own home. None of my family were concerned in the slightest and all felt we were making the right decision.

I got engaged after 10 months when I was 28 and married 10 months after that. Would have done both quicker. This was 16 years ago.

Why does it feel like it is too soon? Are there things that are worrying you?

I got married 6 weeks after meeting DH. I'm not very wild but I just knew I was going to marry him. He is still so perfect for me. Just trust your gut.

We married a year after our first date and we're engaged within three months. Met in my mid 30s and it just felt right. There is no correct timescale.

I would prefer no children to having them when unmarried or in a bad relationship.

I agree! Plenty long enough to know if it's going somewhere. You won't learn very much new after the first year that would change your decision - obviously nasty surprises can crop up at any time.

It doesn't matter when you get engaged. How long will you know each other by the time you get married?

I think it’s too soon. It’s still dopermine stage! I would be put off if anyone mentioned marriage to me before 2 years, no matter what age I was.

I think it's far too soon at any age but me and DH were together for 17 years before we got married.