To think it’s abusive to always get your own way

[Mummer123]

this is a bit of a strange one but it’s a conversation I had with my husband a few days ago. I had a very toxic upbringing and previous relationship and thankfully got a lot of help and therapy for this which I am trying to use day to day to help.

however, I recognise that I have a lot of toxic traits and I said to my husband about narcissism being overused but I do think I have narcissistic traits. He replied to say I don’t lose the head though when things don’t go my way and we both paused and realised I very rarely don’t get my own way or don’t get what I want. It made me reflect that I don’t know if it’s just having a dominant/big personality or if people are submissive because of my own toxicity.

aibu to think it isn’t ok or normal to get your own way all the time?

I don’t think you get your own way 100%. It is impossible. It might be rather that you are reasonable enough not to want unrealistic things, to recognize the other person’s arguments at the very early stage and work towards a compromise.

I’m married to someone like you. He always has to get his way. If he doesn’t it’s more trouble than it’s worth (which is how he does it without being OTT awful).

He had a toxic upbringing.

It’s vile and ultimately renders both of us very unhappy from time to time. It may ultimately end the marriage.

So I don’t think it is abusive but it’s not great - for either of you

Well if you’re like someone I know who nearly always gets their way, then people walk on eggshells so as not to upset you. You surround yourself with people who won’t stand their ground against you and prefer to defer to you to keep the peace.

but this is what I mean, we couldn’t think of a time I haven’t got my own way, not that I’m demanding anything or anything like that and I definitely wouldn’t describe my husband as submissive or anything (as I’m sure you’re not either). I honestly don’t know what way I’d react because it hasn’t happened.

This is what I’m afraid of

I guess the next time there is a disparity between what you want to do and what your DH or a friend want to do, pause and allow for them to have their way, and see how it feels.

I think you’re right to be concerned. But the fact that you are concerned is good. You can be more aware of it. That may well be all it takes to fix a problem if there is one

Depends. My husband probably gets his way most of the time but that's because I'm extremely laid back and rarely have a strong opinion either way - so I often don't really care and am happy to go along with someone who does.

I think you should examine in more details exactly how decisions are made in your partnership rather than just looking at the outcome. Are they just more naturally passive, were they always? Do you feel you take advantage of that?

Maybe do a sense check. Is what you want what’s best for you or is it what’s best for the group?

If you are like my mum, then she wants a restaurant that ticks all her boxes but doesn’t actually suit anyone else. That’s toxic.
If you want a restaurant that meets most people’s needs, then you probably aren’t toxic even if it’s always your choice that succeeds.

It’s good you check yourself. I check myself. I have traits like my mum, but I also have practiced habits that offset it. Like actively sharing things I’m attached to, making choices that work better for other people than me. It keeps me honest!

Can I ask which narcissistic traits you think you have? It's not typically narcissistic to be concerned about being overbearing.

I think I get "my way" most of the time, but my dp really struggles to make decisions, especially ones in his favour. So I often decide things based on what I think he wants if that's right. Or what suits us best as a family.

If you were a narcissist it’s unlikely you’d be reflecting on yourself in this way.

i think it’s really fantastic that you’re doing some self-reflection- first step to having healthy relationships and acting in ways that you’re proud of. This is really good stuff and I wish you the best on this journey.

honestly, I think this question is far too big for mumsnett to answer, and I think that therapy is actually the way to go. For example, in order to answer your question, ‘is it abusive to always get your own way’, we’d need to know some context:

• how do you react if you don’t get your own way? Are you aggressive, passive aggressive, unkind? Ie are you acting in ways that make others afraid to say ‘no’.
• how do you try to ‘get your own way’? Do you give others a CHANCE to say ‘no’? Or do you just assume a ‘yes’? Eg splitting house chores (just an example), let’s say you leave the kitchen super messy, and you know your partner is having his mum over for dinner that evening. By not cleaning, you’re forcing him to do it bc of the pressure of his mum coming over, even tho there technically hasn’t been a yes/no conversation about it.
• what are the relationship dynamics like in general? Is there a power dynamic in the relationship with you on top?

these are all questions we would need to know in order to understand if you’re abusive, and we probably won’t know because when you’re in a mindset it’s hard to see outside of it, if that makes sense. These are questions you need to think about long and hard with a professional, to understand exactly what abusive behaviours you’re enacting and why you do this

You sound like my sister. There are various ways she responds when she doesn't get her way: a look of disgust, condescending tone, going quiet, subtly punishing people later, 'teasing' (bullying) the person who didn't give way to her, riding roughshod over the opinions of others. The result is that people distance themselves from her ultimately because she puts herself centre stage. It's very sad that she even prompts her children to behave the same...she literally says to her daughter 'front and centre darling, front and centre'. It's actually really grim and leaves a bad taste in most people's mouths. It makes her very unlikeable overall, which is a shame because she does have fantastic aspects too. Her husband goes along with most things because she provides him with a very good quality of life, so day-to-day she goes unchallenged. However, I know he's had affairs. A lot of her old friends have little to do with her and her siblings have learned to keep her at arms length, which I'm sure she's gutted about but it's no fun being forced to play the queen's subjects.
How does your need to have your own way manifest itself? Really think about it. If you are doing some of the things my sister does, it really is worth trying to overcome this urge in you because you may be left very lonely.

Fair play to you for reflecting and being honest with yourself. It seems quite unlikely that it just so happens that you always have the best and right ideas so they naturally become the preferred options- has it changed over time? My ex i usually let him have his own way because it was easier- but it wasn't like that until he wore me down.

It's good you are reflecting on this.
I know two women who constantly brag about how their 'hubby does what they want without question, and I always get what I want in the end.
I assume that said hubby is either a massive simp or just does it to keep the peace.
It's not healthy either way.

Seems to me like you are overthinking. Why are you looking for there to be a problem with your personality, if there is no actual issue day to day?
’Get my own way’ is quite a childish phrase. I can’t think of times where I ‘haven’t got my own way’ either, because I usually want what is good for those around me as well as what is good for me. I want what works for the group, which is what they want too. I surround myself with similar people. So there is never any conflict or even conversation about who is “getting their own way”.

I think it's great that you are reflecting on your behaviour and it's especially important if you have been surrounded by toxic people in the past. It shows great maturity and a willingness to actually have healthy relationships. I would say though that I think it's very unusual for narcissists to actually have the awareness to care about how they are coming across. It doesn't mean you don't have some narcissisitc traits but I don't think you sound paticularly toxic, but now that you have identified that you always get your way maybe make an effort to make sure others do too sometimes and see how that makes you feel.

What would happen if someone spoke up and said, "Actually what I want is the opposite of what you're suggesting"?

That would be fine! I wouldn’t think of it as ‘not getting my way’ though, just a change of plan. Or, if their suggestion didn’t work for me, we would find a compromise.

It depends on circumstances, but when single,
I will get my own way in absolutely everything, that's why I'm looking forward to it!
What's more abusive is tearing yourself into chunks and giving to others, if it's your time, energy or some stupid compromises.
Almost nobody else will put you first, so you have to do it yourself.
Most people are piss takers and users, and that involves "loved ones".
Boundaries are good.
Unpopular opinion, but very realistic.

My ex had to have his own way all the time it was just awful.
As someone said above its like walking on egg shells in the end.
He became abusive because of it.
He could never be wrong could never say no to him.
I also have a mother that is the same 2 marriages shes ruined and all new partners leave her but its nevelr her fault.
Both throw tantrums and days long arguments and sulking if they cant get there own way.
I havel nothing to do wlith either.

I get my own way all the time but im single and live alone.

Does your having things your way mean your partner feels 1)he doesn't have a say 2)things are done in a way he dislikes?

I have things "my way" a lot. I I ask for inputs early, I am proactive in evaluating options and I take into an account standard preferences of my family and friends (transport, food) - as a result my suggestions often work for everyone.

Part of the reason is that I have lower flexibility in physical sense (lower physical condition, so I can't afford to get lost and double the length of the trip, if food isn't available I need to pack more snacks to be ok), so I see it as putting more work in it to make sure a happy path exists.

That sounds entirely reasonable. It's the people who, as the OP's husband put it, "lose their head" when not getting their own way who are unreasonable. The people who think compromising is equivalent to backing down, or "losing", and take it personally.

@Globusmedia Depends. My husband probably gets his way most of the time but that's because I'm extremely laid back and rarely have a strong opinion either way - so I often don't really care and am happy to go along with someone who does.
I think this is how women sleepwalk into an arrangement that, down the line, is unacceptable. It starts off with small things, men are so fussy and women don't care as much so it's easier to do things their way. Years later, you look back and wonder how you got to where you are, everything they want comes first, and you realise that you facilitated it. I know, I did it myself until DD became a teenager and my eyes opened, I didn't want her to think this way. Being on MN also "radicalised" me, DH didn't like me being on it as it "gave me ideas" so I continued but hid it from him

The real question in the case of you and your DH is whether he CARES or not. So are there lots of times that he would prefer X to happen, but becuase you want Y to happen, he just goes along with it? Or, is it just that actually, he genuinely is quite happy to let it be your way all the time. Because that is what would make you toxic - if he is constantly having to compromise while you never do.

There are loads of things where DH gets his way or I get my way all the time - but those are things that either the other one also wants or that the other one doesn't care about. The number of things where we have to figure out a compromise or one person accepts something they are not happy with is much smaller but generally we manage it because it's not constant - that would be exhausting.