To think it’s abusive to always get your own way

[Mummer123]

this is a bit of a strange one but it’s a conversation I had with my husband a few days ago. I had a very toxic upbringing and previous relationship and thankfully got a lot of help and therapy for this which I am trying to use day to day to help.

however, I recognise that I have a lot of toxic traits and I said to my husband about narcissism being overused but I do think I have narcissistic traits. He replied to say I don’t lose the head though when things don’t go my way and we both paused and realised I very rarely don’t get my own way or don’t get what I want. It made me reflect that I don’t know if it’s just having a dominant/big personality or if people are submissive because of my own toxicity.

aibu to think it isn’t ok or normal to get your own way all the time?

So let me give an example. Person A wants to eat Indian takeaway, person B wants to eat Chinese takeaway. Person A says "I don't like Chinese" (they like Chinese fine but their favourite is Indian). Person B likes Indian fine but prefers Chinese. Person B is laid back so says "OK, I like Indian too, we'll have Indian". Then every time Persons A and B get a takeaway, they get Indian because B "likes Indian".

Now imagine this in every aspect of your life. Essentially, Person A is rigid about what they want to do and Person B is more willing/able to compromise. So often there will be a compromise, but that compromise is not really a compromise, it is one person giving way to the stronger will. This happens to me all the time. I will say "what shall we eat?" He'll suggest something - say macaroni cheese. I'll say can't we have something else. He'll say "but you like macaroni cheese". I don't, really, but I don't hate it, so I'll eat it. He never extends the same courtesy to me - eating something he doesn't love but doesn't mind, because if I eat something that means I "like it".

Then apply this to: how you raise your children, where you go on holiday, what leisure activities you participate in, when and how often you see your family, how you celebrate Christmas, what money is spent on. To move the other person on anything involves argument, distress, being told that you are wrong (because there is only ever one right way to do things), sulking and massive upheaval. Because this person has never learnt to compromise. So, it's very easy for things to look like compromises when they are not. Is it abusive? No, I don't think it is. Is it miserable? Yes it is.

I'm sure lots of people are going to think I'm a pathetic wimp. But I am willing to compromise and the dynamic has resulted in a less than ideal situation that I don't - at the moment - know how to improve. If that makes me pathetic, and/or a wimp, then that is what I am.

(Perhaps I should add that at the moment I am midst not compromising on a particular - and extremely important - issue, because I do do it, and it is beyond fucking miserable, so this may be colouring my views at present).

It’s overbearing and draining when someone HAS to have their own way all the time. What about what the other person wants? It makes them feel like their wants/needs/opinion doesn’t matter.

I wouldn’t use the word abusive, but it’s definitely really selfish. Whenever I come across people like this I often see that they think winning is a game. Ultimately though, they are the loser because they will be deeply unpopular.

We have someone like this in our extended family. They always want their own way, and their parents enable it. I’ve had conflict with these people because I sucked it up until I realised what was going on, and it enraged me that this person was so selfish and though they were the sun and we are planets revolving around them.

So now my default setting is “no”, or “crack on, have a great time, we are doing X” or something similar. I don’t give this person an inch. When they’ve not got their own way they’ve sulked or thrown their toys out the pram.

I am of the opinion that people who want their own way are socially stunted, and lacking in empathy because if you had any you’d see that there are other people in the world apart from you.

WRT my own selfish individual, I have very little to do with them and don’t include them in anything. I often say that if there were 8 of us, and 8 slices of pizza, they’d think they were entitled to all 8.

What about holidays/ days out? My partner is always really bossy with those and we never do what I would like. He pushes and pushes until we do what he wants and then says but we had a nice time didn't we? Yes but I hate not being able to do what I want. There are only a few things on my list that I desperately want to do. This year I have had to basically insist and book them, which is not nice that it became "a thing"
There was something he really wanted to do for his big birthday and I booked and arranged it. I do thoughtful things for him because I want to and it's a sign of love but if he knows I really desperately want to do something he will make excuses or go without me on a day I can't make.
So have a think about holidays/ days out. Ask your partner if he has a wish list then take it in turns choosing so at least half the time he can decide.
It's honestly horrible having a battle on your hands to do any of the things you want whilst that is not the case for your partner. It makes me feel not cared about.
Maybe your partner doesn't mind or doesn't have a list or maybe you don't do it with holidays but it might be nice to check.
I don't think your a narcissist because if you were you wouldn't care about whether it was fair you got your own way and you would think that you deserved to get your own way so that was the end of it.

Narcissism is a spectrum so a lot of us will have narcissistic traits, some more than others. But the fact you are even worrying about this and have that self awareness to even reflect and question on how you are is not typical of a narcissist.

I think it firstly being aware of your concern is good, but don’t get overly focused on it and ruminate because that can be equally toxic and you may loose perspective.

I’d be curious to know what things are you getting your own way over - if it’s something like do you have pasta bows or pasta shells in the pasta bake - no this is not an issue if you pick (unless you pick the one your partner has food sensitivities around as an example.)

Similarly, if you were going on a holiday to Thailand and you are deciding with your partner do you visit round Bangkok first or go straight to a beach resort and then Bangkok - does it really matter what order you do them? If no then let it go, but if you’re imposing an order that prevents your partner from doing something they want to do then yes this could be an issue.

I think it really is context here, however I do agree with other posters try creating space for others to have their preferences and choice met instead of yours. This in itself maybe a challenge if you have a laid back partner and you may need to find the right phrases to open up discussions that allow them to make those choices without you pushing them into doing it, which again can be equally toxic behaviour.

@Daisy12Maisie if he knows I really desperately want to do something he will make excuses or go without me on a day I can't make.

But that's awful! That goes beyond just narcissism and not caring about you - that's actual malice and spite.

This is it exactly. You would likely also have had a really nice time if you had done what you wanted. But you never find out. So you can’t counter the idea that doing what you want won’t be enjoyable. And the idea that the other party won’t enjoy something that is not 100% their idea becomes entrenched.

* if he knows I really desperately want to do something he will make excuses or go without me on a day I can't make.*

Is this for real? If so, he needs putting in his place, the bin.

An easy way of dealing with this is just to stop next time your husband and you need to make a decision and say "how would you prefer to do it?" to your husband and then go with his way. Start to do this more often and eventually it will become second nature to really consider other people's ideas and thoughts. The fact you're now aware of it is a good thing, it means you can work on it from within yourself rather than having someone else pressuring you to change.

It doesn't make you pathetic or a wimp, it makes you a nice, compassionate person who is willing to compromise. Most people are like you and in their relationships they both make these little compromises day to day. The fact he won't compromise doesn't say anything about your character, but it says a lot about his.

Thanks! Though sure I'm not a bed of roses to live with either. He is completely unable to put himself in somebody else's shoes - which may be something more than a character flaw - he genuinely can't see somebody else's perspective. But he's pretty bright, so I'm sure he could learn to do that. But at the moment it is exhausting.