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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I overreact or did he?

42 replies

Kionasmum · 06/01/2025 16:04

Dating a really lovely guy for 3 months. Just before I met him, he left his job to start a business.

Twice now, after spending time together, in the car home, he’s commented about how he feels disheartened and frustrated with himself because he wants to focus 100% on the business and stop getting distracted by other things.

On both occasions, I’ve raised my concerns that, given he’s said it on the way home from time with me, that I am one of the distractions and that hearing him say that, worries me that he may come to the realisation that this isn’t the time to be dating.

I have no worries at all about the new business taking up his time while we date. I’m very busy myself and excited to see what happens for him. I am fine if our dynamic changes when that happens.

I AM, however, concerned about wasting my time and getting emotionally invested with someone who is coming to the realisation that dating is distracting him from his goals.

When he said it today, he said it after a very lovely but very leisurely morning spent in bed (I’m on leave, kids are with their dad). It felt very personal that he said it in that moment.

I didn’t get upset, I just calmly asked if he was sure that this was the time to be dating, and pointed out that it concerned me that he may realise it wasn’t.

He got quite annoyed and said he felt I’m asking him to make promises about the future when we’re only 3 months in and IABVU to be asking him such things.

I think it’s a fairly reasonable insecurity given the context. Furthermore, I like him, but I don’t want to be wasting my time with someone who is unsure whether they have the bandwidth to date.

He really is an absolutely gem outside of this interaction and makes me so happy and I really feel like shit that he reacted badly to me asking today.

OP posts:
Ablondiebutagoody · 06/01/2025 16:22

I don't think that it was an outrageous overreaction by you but I do lean towards his point of view. For me, 3 moths after meeting a guy would still be see how it goes territory rather than asking for commitments about how he will feel in the future. Or even how he feels right now actually. Play it by ear.

Catza · 06/01/2025 16:33

But you didn't ask him to make promises... it's quite normal to be asking this after multiple comments. Let's face it, we are not talking about two 18-year-olds dating. I feel like this one is a non-starter. If he is having a knee-jerk reaction to a simple question, he is not considering a committed relationship and isn't mature or honest enough to tell you so.

Starlight1984 · 06/01/2025 16:43

he’s commented about how he feels disheartened and frustrated with himself because he wants to focus 100% on the business and stop getting distracted by other things.

Yep sorry. He is trying to break up with you without actually having the balls to say the words out loud. Get rid and move on.

PosiePetal · 06/01/2025 16:45

I really don't think you were at all unreasonable and I agree that to say what he did at such an intimate time was insensitive (or in his mind, probably just honest). Personally, I wouldn’t want to continue with the relationship and would make other plans tor myself, alone or searching for something new. I think you know at 3 months how committed you are to a relationship.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 06/01/2025 16:45

I can see both sides. He needs to choose though if this is bothering you

Trumptonagain · 06/01/2025 16:45

Did he not answer or reassure you that you weren't part of the distraction?

You mention DC so I'm assuming that you're not at his, or he at yours 24/7 and as he no longer has a day job I'm surprised he doesn't have plenty of hours in a day to crack on with his new business?

You'd be in a better position to put your mind at ease if you had a chat about what he sees as being the cause of the distraction, then take it from there.

Gabitule · 06/01/2025 16:48

The fact that he got annoyed instead of reassuring you is a massive red flag. It hints to a ‘guilty conscience’. Attack is the best form of defence.
I think he probably has doubts about the relationship but he’s going to wait till he is bored of the sex to end it.

If I was you I’d say nothing else and watch how your interaction develops. If he starts becoming busy ‘because of his business’ or makes comments like this again you should suggest you break up as this is clearly not a good time for him to be dating. See how he responds (but I bet he’ll break up and then blame you and say that this is what you wanted)

Olika · 06/01/2025 16:48

I would bring it up as if he has already said it several times and then when you ask him he flips it to be about you asking about future. Those are two different. No point in saying him if he isn't sure about wanting to date at all at this time.

Gabitule · 06/01/2025 16:49

Plus, as usual, we should always listen to our instincts. They’re there for a reason

nadine90 · 06/01/2025 16:54

I think it was a weird and insensitive comment for him to make after spending time with you and your response was fair. No one knows what the future holds and if you will go the distance 3 months in. But he should know if he is open to and has time for a relationship before getting into one. I would take his comments as planting seeds to end it, the fact he didn’t reassure you speaks volumes

ItGhoul · 06/01/2025 17:04

I don't think either of you overreacted, really; I can see it from both sides.

I can see why you're concerned about what he's been saying about distractions and not concentrating 100% on his business, especially as he's been saying it to you after dates.

However, I can also see why - if he's already twice reassured you that he wants to keep seeing you - that you questioned him for a third time looking for reassurance again, especially this early in the relationship.

Freshflower · 06/01/2025 17:05

I don't think you are being unreasonable nor do I think you over reacted . I think it's quite rude of him to say that to you especially on two occasions when you have spent time together. I think you were right to ask him and I think his response again was quite rude. OK, obviously it's only 3 months in so of course there isn't going to be promises of anything serious yet, but he could have reassured you that you are not one of these distractions. Maybe go on a few more dates see how he is or if he says it again? You will know in your heart or by his behaviour if you are wasting your time

OhBling · 06/01/2025 17:09

I don't think either of you are completely wrong. I think the problem is how the convo went. I'd have been inclined to say something like, "Oy, are you talking about me as a distraction?" if I was feeling lighthearted or, perhaps something like, "what distractions are you talking about" before jumping to conclusions. It also forces him to spell it out if he means the relationship.

And then, depending on how that goes, I think it's fine to say that you don't mind seeing him less if that's what he needs, or, that actually, you aren't fine with spending less time together so perhaps he needs to prioritise the business and let the relationship go.

Mirabai · 06/01/2025 17:16

I’m hearing that he sees dating you as a distraction from what he really wants to be doing which is focusing 100% on his business.

I would ask him if that interpretation is correct and act accordingly.

Winterskyfall · 06/01/2025 17:25

I would opt out now. He is telling you that you aren't what he wants to spend his time on. To me it seems like he is trying to set up a situation where he can pop by for a quick shag but then be off to do the important things rather than wasting his time spending it with you. I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't see value in spending time with me.

Michellesbackbrace · 06/01/2025 17:29

Yes it’s a very weird thing to say. He’s either trying to fill you with insecurity or he’s trying to gently call it off.

Wgatever the reason it hardly sounds like he’s that into you or making you feel good in what should be the honeymoon period.

Just do him a favour and tell him you’ve had a think and you agree it’s not working and you want different things. Bye!

Owly11 · 06/01/2025 17:56

He's either trying to cause an argument to get you to end things or (less likely) he's playing a longer game of angling to move in with you as a solution' to him having no money and no time to see you. I would let him take the lead in the relationship for a while and observe his behaviour. If he raises it again just say something like 'no problem I really don't want to get in the way of anything just let me know when you have got time' and leave it at that and wait for him to contact you.

SometimesCalmPerson · 06/01/2025 18:00

I don’t think you’re unreasonable. At three months in you might not be sure about how you feel about another person, but you know if you want a settled down relationship in the near future or if you’re enjoying casual dating and want to carry on with it.

He might be a great bloke, but that doesn’t mean you need to waste time on him if the two of you are looking for different things.

Fuzziduck · 06/01/2025 18:04

You only asked because he said it, twice, with you. Quite a valid question: it it his subconscious kicking in?

stayathomer · 06/01/2025 18:11

It could be as people say above or he could actually just be using you as a sounding board about his worries for the business, in which case I’d probably find it irritating if every time I was worrying out loud about how productive I was etc you said ‘but are you talking about me? Where do you see us going?

Mirabai · 06/01/2025 18:24

You’re not asking him to make promises for the future, merely to define the present. That’s absolutely fair enough. If he’s not interested you don’t want to waste your time.

LucastaNoir · 06/01/2025 18:29

stayathomer · 06/01/2025 18:11

It could be as people say above or he could actually just be using you as a sounding board about his worries for the business, in which case I’d probably find it irritating if every time I was worrying out loud about how productive I was etc you said ‘but are you talking about me? Where do you see us going?

Definitely this imho. Starting your own business is a big deal and I’d def be a bit grumpy if I was sharing that I felt guilty about not doing it 100 per cent of the time (a normal thing to feel and want to share) and my partner kept saying ‘are you saying you don’t want to be with me then?’!

VoltaireMittyDream · 06/01/2025 18:32

I see a lot of posts on here where partners set up their own business and never feel they have enough time for it and so everyone and everything else has to fall by the wayside.

(Often the business also fails as it was an ‘I can’t be tied down, I need to be my own boss’ pipe dream rather than a carefully thought through commercial undertaking with realistic budgeting and forecasting).

The fact he can’t even see what a fucking rude thing this is to say in the context in which he said it would lead me to pull back from the relationship. Then he can devote all the time in the world to his entrepreneurial pursuits.

Waterboatlass · 06/01/2025 18:40

HIBU. You haven't asked for any long term assurances, just to know whether his oddly timed comments relate to you. You let the first one go, but asked for clarity the second time and he kicked off. I wouldn't find his behaviour particularly transparent if I'm honest.

I'd want a sincere apology for that outburst and an explanation of what he means, proactively at the least.

Original poster
Kionasmum · 07/01/2025 03:11

LucastaNoir · 06/01/2025 18:29

Definitely this imho. Starting your own business is a big deal and I’d def be a bit grumpy if I was sharing that I felt guilty about not doing it 100 per cent of the time (a normal thing to feel and want to share) and my partner kept saying ‘are you saying you don’t want to be with me then?’!

Show quote history

I’m hoping just this, and he did say it was this and that it wasn’t about me.

As mentioned though, he also said he felt I was pushing him about the future. So a real mixed message response.

OP posts:
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