Did I overreact or did he?

[Kionasmum]

Dating a really lovely guy for 3 months. Just before I met him, he left his job to start a business.

Twice now, after spending time together, in the car home, he’s commented about how he feels disheartened and frustrated with himself because he wants to focus 100% on the business and stop getting distracted by other things.

On both occasions, I’ve raised my concerns that, given he’s said it on the way home from time with me, that I am one of the distractions and that hearing him say that, worries me that he may come to the realisation that this isn’t the time to be dating.

I have no worries at all about the new business taking up his time while we date. I’m very busy myself and excited to see what happens for him. I am fine if our dynamic changes when that happens.

I AM, however, concerned about wasting my time and getting emotionally invested with someone who is coming to the realisation that dating is distracting him from his goals.

When he said it today, he said it after a very lovely but very leisurely morning spent in bed (I’m on leave, kids are with their dad). It felt very personal that he said it in that moment.

I didn’t get upset, I just calmly asked if he was sure that this was the time to be dating, and pointed out that it concerned me that he may realise it wasn’t.

He got quite annoyed and said he felt I’m asking him to make promises about the future when we’re only 3 months in and IABVU to be asking him such things.

I think it’s a fairly reasonable insecurity given the context. Furthermore, I like him, but I don’t want to be wasting my time with someone who is unsure whether they have the bandwidth to date.

He really is an absolutely gem outside of this interaction and makes me so happy and I really feel like shit that he reacted badly to me asking today.

I think you’re both being reasonable. To you the timing makes you concerned, to him he’s just talking about his worries and this makes him feel pressured when you’ve only been together 3 months.

Well obviously you are interested in your own future and want to know if you are wasting YOUR precious time by investing it in him. Why does he see his time as more important than yours.

I think you are being too needy in a 3 Month old relationship.
He is just thinking aloud.

His musings are 'he wants to focus 100% on the business and stop getting distracted by other things'. Their dates/ relationship is 'another thing'. The OP is a stakeholder in that thing. She isn't needy to want some clarity on whether she should continue to invest time and emotional capital. He didn't say it once. He even said it in bed.

I don't think she should be passive. She was right to politely ask what he meant.

If he's saying he's too busy or stressed for a relationship the. That's what's likely to go in these early days.

He didn't respond appropriately which doesn't show much empathy given it's him making the remarks.

Fine to get rid early but she doesn't want to drag it on when she could be meeting someone with capacity.

Sounda like he's torn and may have set up unrealistic expectations of himself ie 100% of his time and focus to his business.
I don't think ybu to ask him questions, but it would seem he's already feeling pressured and then taking that pressure out on you hy his reaction.

It is a big deal. And if you want to give it 100% of your focus in the startup phase you don’t really have any focus left for a relationship. That’s simply the reality. He may not have the bandwidth for a new business and a new relationship at the same time. He’s made his priorities clear.

I don't think he can have it both ways - if 3 months in is too soon for you to be 'challenging' his thinking it's also too soon for him to be moaning at you. It's hardly romantic and suggestions that he may be rather self centred to me. You had a lovely morning but he felt fit to bring the mood down and seek some response from you. He is right that you should be on the 'honesymoon' phase at 3 months after only X dates - but he isnt acting like that by whining and thinking out loud.

I would try and not fall into the trap of this as it isnt a very attractive trait at all.

He’s not a lovely gem. You’ve been seeing each other for three months and he doesn’t know if he wants a relationship with you.

He is in fact wasting your time. You deserve more and better.

You need to call the shots on this and tell him you think it’s best to spend some time apart for the foreseeable future.

You haven’t overreacted at all. He’s letting you know that you’re a distraction but won’t end things fully because by letting you know he’s got more important things to be dealing with, that puts the onus on you to leave. If you don’t then you’re accepting whatever attention he’ll give you and you can’t complain about it because he told you you were a distraction.

Sorry OP but it sounds like he's using you for sex. He's using his work as an excuse to keep things casual then getting angry when you question him.

Either he's chaotic and unable to manage his time, or he wants to keep it casual. Maybe both. But he's unable to communicate like an adult, which makes the whole thing more difficult than it needs to be. I think you've been entirely reasonable. I don't think he'd going to sort himself out any time soon so I'd probably leave him to it if I were you.

I wouldn't wait for him to contact or leave it openended like that. You are not some plaything that he is welcome to just pick up and put down whenever he chooses, you have so much more worth than that.

I'd let him lead for a bit, being mindful of his actions/behaviours/words. If he kept it up I'd wish him the best in his venture and leave it at that. We had some fun for a while etc and it is time to move on

I would be impressed at all.
He gets irritated at you responding reasonably to his statement.
He has poor regulation of his emotions.
You are not his emotional punching bag.

I would be far less available OP, if at all.
Yes setting up a business might be stressful but you barely know him.

Be firm on your boundaries.
He's rude.
Do not tolerate it.
Moody and cranky is not attractive.

I agree, he could be using you for sex whilst trying to make clear he has no interest or time for anything else.

I would tell him focus on his business as you are not interested.

Nobody is responsible for the time he spends on his business, (or anything actually) but himself. That's a him issue.

After 3 months I'd want to know where I stood before I spent anymore time on him.

He created the entire situation by mentioning his need to focus on work.

I'd ask him if he has space for dating if he's not sure or it's a no end it.

If you like him then I’d suggest taking a step back and allowing him the space to arrange dates etc so that you know you’re not the one pushing things along. If he’s really trying to let you down gently he will be hesitant to book up your next date/meet up.

Be busy, maybe unable to meet up next time he suggests it, not to play games as such, but to get an idea of how keen he is to rearrange if you’re the one who’s busy.