Should I tell my son his grandpa is dying?

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My DDad is terminally ill and recently we were given the sad news that he has less than 6 months left. My Ds7 is very close to my Dd and very much sees him as a father figure. He's aware that his grandpa is ill but I've not told him much more than that, he's a very sensitive little boy and a worrier. I think he may have picked up on some of what's going on as he's been extra anxious recently and started getting upset about me dying (I'm perfectly healthy). I'm trying to decide whether it's best to tell him more of what's going on and start to prepare him for losing his grandpa, or whether keeping him in the dark would be better? Other than being a bit forgetful and tired, there aren't any obvious signs that my Dd is seriously ill, at least nothing that a child would pick up on. However we've been warned that he could deteriorate rapidly when he does. Has anyone had any experience of this with a child of a similar age?

Sorry you are facing this.

The various cancer charities have leaflets and advice on how to discuss with young children. You may find them if use. DD was a bit older when my mum died, we were honest with her.

I am really sorry to hear about your Dad, and this must be hard for you as well as managing your sons feelings.,

I think you can start to gently prepare him. That way it won't be too much of a shock/loss for him, and might prepare him if your dad starts to look worse.

As he is 6 you could do this gently, start answering questions a little more truthfully - and perhaps be guided by your child as well). I know with slightly older children they always say it's best to tell so the child doesn't feel afterwards that they wish they knew.
Hopefully you will get some good advice from others who have been in this position.
Sending you and your family love during this time which I know is very difficult

So sorry about your dad.
You must be honest with your son. Pretending all is fine when it isn’t (he will be smart enough to know) will stop him trusting you. Let him ask his questions, let him see his grandad if he wants to. And when the inevitable happens (so sorry), include him in the funeral etc. The bond between a grandchild and grandparent can be so sacred.
My thoughts with all of you.

Personally I wouldn't yet, because six months is an eternity at 7, and because you can't know how long things will actually take. I would go with "very sick, the doctors are trying all they can". And watch very carefully what's said around him.

When your dad gets closer to the end, then be honest.

Mine were 6 and 4 when my mam died. We ended up moving in with her to care for her for the 2 months before she died (she had been unwell but not bad for a few months before that). I explained it gradually, so they knew Nana was sick, then very sick, then she wasn’t going to get better, and then, in the days coming up to her death, I told them she was going to die. They could see that she was sleeping more, was getting more unwell which I think helped in that it wasn’t a shock at anytime. I wouldn’t have wanted to keep them completely in the dark (it wouldn’t have been possible) but I also didn’t want them knowing the worst for any longer than they needed to either. But every child is different too so what worked for mine may not be best for others.

Have a look at the Winston's Wish charity.
Having been through something similar, age appropriate honesty is the way.

It would be worse for him to be told everything is going to be fine and then it's not. If he is told in a supportive and open way, he will have a chance to spend time with his grandad and process things. Have a look at books you can read together to help him process things.

Sorry to hear about your dad.
Is he under hospice care? My friend received lots of advice from their hospice when her DH was terminally ill. Their daughter was very young and everything was age appropriate for her.
Also Winston’s Wish might be helpful.

Our local hospice has a Family Support Dept that can help in situations like this. Perhaps check this out with your nearest hospice. Also there are some good books on death and dying and coping with loss for children, which I have found useful.

I don't have experience so others may be able to advise better. But I'd say tell him in an age appropriate way- something like- grandad is very poorly and the doctors don't think he will get better. So let's make sure we enjoy spending lots of time with him. Maybe not mentioning the actual death unless it's imminent - unless he asks directly.

I'm sorry you are in this situation.

My mum and dad both got cancer in the same year, both advanced and untreatable. My DCs were 8 and 5 at the time. I told them that Mormor and Grandad were very poorly and Drs couldn't make them better so I would be busy because I needed to help look after them. I also said we could spend as much time with them as possible, as long as they were feeling well enough and not too tired. Both DCs visited my parents towards the end, when they were in a hospice.

However, in my mum and dad's case it was obvious by this point that they were ill due to weight loss and cognitive decline respectively.

I think children can often accept this type of news more easily than we expect. I hope you come to a decision that feels right for you.

i wouldn't... i'd wait until he has passed. I'm sorry you are going through this and its a hard time, but there's no point causing distress to a 6 year old..

So sorry to hear about your dad. My DD is about to lose her last grandparent at the age of 8, so been through this a few times in the last couple of years, the last time was with my DM last year (4 months from diagnosis to her passing).

Kids pick up on everything so being honest is key. Death is part of life, and it's something sadly they will experience at some point.

We explained that grandma was unwell and doctors were helping her but couldn't make her completely better again. Sometimes people can't get better, and all we can do is make them feel comfy and loved. She did ask if she would die, I said everyone has to at some point, and yes, she might but we don't know when that might be. She processed a few days then asked more questions. I think as long as they know they can ask things, it helps them process the news.

I would say, in our case this was the fifth time in a little over three years we had to break news like this to her (this breaks my heart) so by this point she was more aware of what was happening and asked more frank questions. Don't be surprised if he asks you random questions at odd times! My daughter did, sometime la completely catching me off guard but I just tried to answer any question appropriately.

We also informed the school fairly early on so they could help support, they were fab, making sure she knew she could talk to someone if she had questions or concerns, and they were prepared when the end came. They also sent some books home for us to read to help explain things.

Only you know your son and if telling them early is right. For us it was, as it helped prepare our dd for the loss and to help understand why I spent so much time running back and forth! Sending best wishes

I would tell him the basics, that DGF is going to get more poorly and that's quite sad, but if he ever needs a cuddle or has any questions he can ask you, or his teacher (tell his teacher obv). That way he's in control of what he knows, and has been invited to discuss if he's ever feeling odd about it.

My dad passed away last year (lung cancer- spread to his brain). He has 5 grandchildren and he was adamant we kept his illness from everyone. If he was really wiped out by chemo we wouldn’t let kids see him for a couple of days. The weekend before he passed away we were all together on a big family holiday in the lakes. I love that the kids weren’t worried or sad about him for 18 months. And my dad wanted the kids to just treat him normally. He was in hospital for a week before he passed. I took my youngest who is 2 to see him and they had a cuddle but my didn’t want the older boys to come as he looked so unwell and he didn’t want them to remember him like that. Until you absolutely have to say something I wouldn’t. It hits prolongs the sadness. They were shocked and devastated when he passed as obviously had no idea he was unwell but my eldest later said that he was glad he didn’t know as he just remembers grandad playing with them normally.

I’m so sorry. I haven’t been through this as a parent but my mum had cancer and died when I was 7. I was always told what was going on, and I’m glad I knew because I consciously made good memories with my mum that I still have now. It prepared me for what was going on and although it didn’t make losing her any less painful, I at least always knew that I had told her and shown her how much I loved her. Sending lots of love to you all x

I think it’s always best to be honest (tactfully and age appropriate), although you may want to start with saying he is really poorly and then very poorly and will pass away nearer the time. Death is natural and so it’s important kids understand this and don’t have a fear based on it being a mystery or a shock.

My DS was about that age when his grandad became terminally ill and his father and I just kept him updated and explained what was happening (he was in hospital at end of life so quite a difficult environment for a child to comprehend)

Take care xx

Talking to dc and preparing them for an inevitable loss isn't "causing distress". NOT talking to them and having them receive a terrible shock would be.

It's not something anyone would look forward to, but we all have to face up to losses and bereavement in life, so discussing it in advance in an age appropriate way is sensible and caring.

I would let school know in due course as a pp suggests, they will have resources like books on the subject, be there for your child if he wants to talk to someone nearer the time.

So sorry about your dad. Lots of good advice from others, you might also find this site helpful for advice and signposting to resources they might help you to think about how to have these hard conversations https://www.childbereavementuk.org/when-someone-is-not-expected-to-live

I am so so sorry you are in this situation. We lost my dad 13 months ago to cancer. We did tell my 10 year old and I think it was helpful to him to know. He also was able to see Grandad is the days before he passed, and we know that Grandad knew he was there. In fact the last word that we heard and 100% knew what it was was his grandson's name, the last time they held hands. I am not saying you should tell your son and obviously he is younger than mine, but that's my experience. I think it was easier for us all that he knew, especially in those last days, as they were able to be together without it being awkward if my son saw stuff. I don't think there is a right and wrong her though.

I'm so sorry about your dad. We had a similar situation with a grandparent and a 6 and a 3 year old. We explained that grandparent was very sick and not going to get better. I don't think they really understood but the benefit was after the death. They became really anxious every time one of us was sick but we were able to remind them that we are always honest with them. We said that the grandparent was dying and they could trust us when we said we just had a cold and would get better.

There is lots of advice online about how you say things but i really really urge you to be honest. It doesn't help children process difficult things when we lie to them or try to hide things from them.

My daughter was about 8 when her grandad died. She was OK because we told her he was dying so she had time to prepare for it. My mum died unexpectedly a few months ago and it hit my daughter like a ton of bricks and she's still devastated. It's probably best your sn is prepared. I'm sorry you are going through this x

I'm really sorry for you all. My only twopennorth to add to all the excellent advice on here is that, when I had invasive breast cancer a couple of years back, my grandchild was devastated (I'd co-parented them along with their mum) and their school was amazing. I don't know the official title but there was a lovely lady who saw them once a week and listened and supported (think there was a sand pit involved!) and helped them through the worst times and, as you can see, I survived! Anyway, it may be that your son's school has a similar support scheme? 💐

So sorry you're going through this. It's so hard when you have your own emotions to manage too.

We're in a somewhat similar situation with my mum who is in the latter stages of Parkinson's & dementia, and my son who's now 9.

We've been as honest as we can, in an age-appropriate way, as others have said. He knew a couple of years ago that she had something called Parkinson's that wouldn't get better (because he'd asked if she'd be better by next time we saw her), and back then it just made her a bit wobbly on her feet and a bit forgetful. The hardest with him has been that we can't say with any certainty how long we have left with her.

He has been through some phases of being very anxious about it, and about death generally, so it's not been easy - but I think with some help from school, we've been able to support him through it.

We are beginning to think DS actually seeing my mum is getting a bit too scary, as she's mostly bed ridden and very confused, but I hope we can be led by him on what he wants too.

One thing I've learned that might be useful (or might sound silly) is to try not to be upset that some of the questions he's asked sound very selfish! 'What would happen about my party if she dies on my birthday' etc. It's really hard when it's my mum we're talking about, but it's very normal for a child to think how something will affect them.

Children know more than you think he will be worried he will have heard about illnesses like cancer. I think you should start preparing him there are charities that can advise you like Winston's Wish.
Maybe start with why he's feeling down etc reassure him he can ask anything and see what he comes out with.....if he asks a direct question don't lie or he will never trust you.