To ask dh to help out occasionally when he is wfh

[Desupi]

Dh and I have a 9 month old daughter. We both work from home, me full time, and him 2 days a week and 3 in the office.

We are in the fortunate position to have my mum looking after our daughter most days. We do pay her £300 a month which I understand is not very much in the grand scheme of things.

In my job I am required to control the business phone line and inbox for around 15 hours a week. During the times when I am doing this, or have lots of meetings, I do try and make sure I have my mum on hand, but not always if it is going to be quiet.

My mum lives 12 miles away so getting a baby who hates car rides into the car and driving that far in rush hour with her screaming is quite stressful, so if I CAN avoid having her look after little one I always do that.

My main gripe is that on the days that I decide not to have my mum help out, I do sometimes ask dh if he can watch our daughter for 30 mins if I get an unexpected meeting request or call from someone. He normally has an issue with it and says "I am working, you should have asked your mum to help today!". He does probably have more of an 'important' job than me, but a lot of the time when I walk in the office he has youtube/ a game on his other screen!

Since I returned to work his working week has not changed AT ALL unlike mine. I organised the childcare with my mum for a low price, I take our daughter there, I wfh either WHILST looking after our daughter, or in my parents house with my daughter downstairs where my lunchbreaks are basically used to give my mum a break. We pay 50/50 on bills so its not even like he pays more.

He doesn't get the guilt of not wanting to burn his mum out and not wanting to take the p* with her kindness, and having the stress of taxiing a screaming baby around.

So AIBU to ask him to occasionally step in to care for our daughter every now and then during the week?

YANBU.

If you both work full time, your DH is equally responsible for childcare. He’s a parent too.

If he’d rather pay for childcare so that you can both be in paid work (preferable for your financial independence, pension etc), then he should suggest that.

I’d’ve thought watching your DC while on a short screen/comfort break (15 mins), or while working for 15 mins, to cover the odd occasion you have to take a call would be preferable to paid childcare. But maybe he thinks otherwise and would rather pay or reduce his hours (e.g. you both reduce to a 4 day week) to meet caring responsibilities?

IMHO it’s best not to rely on parents for full time childcare, even if paying them. It’s a big strain. Better to keep to a couple of days a week, plus school holidays and emergencies.

So I assume you are already on a waiting list then?

I appreciate that it is difficult - but you need to find a solution which works for your child and your work. Trying to WFH and care for a child is not fair on either.

Even if your manager is happy for you to be under employed for much of the time you need proper childcare.

You have a childcare/transport problem, not a DH not breaking off from work to look after a baby problem!

You need childcare, be that your Mum, a nursery or a childminder, for everyday you work and your DH needs to do half the transport. He shouldn’t get to wash his hands of any responsibility.

And people wonder why managers are putting more and more pressure on staff to go back to the office 🙄. Can’t think why they are under the impression that people “working” from home are totally taking the piss - playing video games, watching YouTube and providing childcare while being paid to work.

On his wfh days pay for other childcare and he should be doing the same wfh days weekly.

You cannot work and look after 9month old.

maybe a mothers help would be appropriate for those days, you don't need to travel and can pop in on baby frequently in the home.

as nice as it is to only pay £300, its not enough to meet your need and you can't over burden your mum.

Can his mother assist?

either way more money will need to be spent as you need childcare for whenever you are working.

Also get him involved to sort childcare, why are you doing it all yourself.

Sorry OP but it's because of people like you and DH that employers are desperate to get staff back in the office

Childcare is too important to do it half hearted with one eye on the laptop.

Your child deserves your full attention, a chance to be outside, playing and engaging. These are such important years - don’t waste them!

I hope you can cut your hours/cut costs so you can make it work. But no, it won’t work doing the current “half organised sharing” that is happening now.

You need to get more reliable childcare

It’s not uncommon in home working policies for it to be stipulated you will not be looking after children when you are working. Different older children who can be more self sufficient but not babies and toddlers

You can’t work from home and look after a child, it’s really not possible unless you’re doing the bare minimum. I would consider nursery for a couple of days a week at least. This arrangement isn’t fair on anyone.

… also, where do I get one of these chill jobs? Seriously, I really want one! What the heck do you (occasionally in a chill manner 😉) do?!

Honestly, I can understand this - We had no childcare when my son was small, albeit we didn't work overlapping hours...

But it only gets harder from here. As she gets more preferences and more active and wants to play more, it will be harder and harder to find any time to focus on work.

I also feel you on the lack of nursery spaces. We have only managed to get two random midweek days, and even then, we haven't been able to increase in over a year. We're on the waiting list for six other nurseries and there's no spaces, and our two days is going up by 12% in March...

So it would be ok to summon him home were he in the office? This site demonstrates how do many are using WFH to save money by not doing a decent job!

I don't understand why you both pay the same for bills if you are married and he earns more. I hope at least that this does not continue when you drop down to 4 days a week. It sounds like his life hasn't change at att from having a baby and yours has got much harder.

You need a nursery, partly because your mum may not want to do this forever. What if you have another child? How long is she going to be your childcare for? How will you manage when your babies mobile and needs constant attention? It’s not actually fair on her.

working from home should mean working from home. Not neglecting your work to look after your child.

Yabu you should not be looking after a 9 month old whilst wfh even if you aren't on calls or email.

Hate to say it but I don't think it's a great set up either, my partner and I both wfh and our son is 13 months old, and we just wouldn't be able to work effectively with him in tow, nor give him the care and attention he needs so we're forking out over a grand a month on nursery. I think you do need to look into paid childcare for at least some of the time as the very minimum, so it's not so full on for your mother

Why should it be you doing any of this alone while he games on his important computer?

All of it - caring, liaising with your mum (and keeping that relationship happy), taxi-ing back and forth, doing fewer hours) should be shared with him.

You are both the parents of that baby. You are not the parent to two babies.

I'm another in the camp of find better childcare if its not working for you. Wfh is still working, if there are no spaces in childcare then your mum should be taking her. However, your DH should do doing drops offs and picks up as well.

Does your boss know you're 'working' whilst looking after your child?

Sort out proper childcare

Sorry, you need proper childcare. As a one off, OH and I could work it so that we took turns looking after kids while WFH but would not have done it on a permanent basis.

You need to get proper childcare in place, I'm afraid.

I’m not in the same position as such, but when childcare falls through my boss is kind enough to allow me to work with my DC at home. It’s rare so he doesn’t mind. On these days DH needs to organise his lunch break around my essential meetings and I reorganise the rest. Both WFH full time pretty much.

It sounds like your ‘D’H has outsourced all the baby related decisions to you and when they don’t work is happy to say ‘your fault’! That’s not a team. I assume your arrangement is to keep costs down for you both, you need to look at what will work long term and he needs to step up and buy into the childcare arrangement so that you’re both equally responsible. Currently, he sees this a just your responsibility - YANBU to be pissed off with his attitude.

Why does he think arranging childcare, taking your baby to childcare plus working and paying 50/50 is fine for you? Is it because he thinks children are the responsibility of women? When you drop a day, is he expecting you to continue paying 50/50? Your set up does not sound ideal but not helping you out with your joint baby as he's busy on Youtube sounds selfish and unpleasant.