To ask for some perspective? *TW: DA*

[Fluffinch]

Almost a month ago, my husband (DH) clipped me around the ear to— in his words— "prove a point." He said I was being childish and bratty. Naturally, I left, and I've been staying with my parents ever since. We don't have children.

Now, he wants me to go back home. The problem is, he isn't remorseful or sorry. He still believes the clip around the ear was justified. He’s even said that he won’t tolerate "disobedience or misbehaviour."

I know deep down I shouldn’t go back, but my resolve is slipping because he’s being extra nice at the moment. He keeps saying that we don’t have to be together anymore, that we can just live together as separated people.. but I'm worried it's a ploy to get me back where he wants me.

Please tell me this isn’t normal and that not all men are like this. I need some clarity and perspective.

Don't go back! Ever!

No it isn’t normal and you know it isn’t. Also why would you move back in just as a housemate? Make plans to get your stuff from the house and stay with your parents.

also think of it this way - if a friend came to you and asked what they should do, what would you say?

Glad you left. Please don’t waver and let him talk you into it. He isn’t even sorry for it. You are a grown woman and don’t need to be punished or taught a lesson.

I think YABU got even considering this and for still being married to a man who clearly believes you’re his subordinate. He’s an abusive misogynist, what’s the confusion?

Are there cultural factors at play, here? Otherwise, I really don’t get it. This man hit you, isn’t even sorry (not that that would make it better), isn’t even sorry pretending to be sorry, but you might go back to him because…what? What am I even reading?!

And you need us to tell you that not all men beat their wives? Does your father abuse your mother?

He won't tolerate disobedience or misbehaviour??
Fuck that for starters. He will be the one who decides what that behaviour is , which means you'll be walking on eggshells.
And consequences for either will be 'correction'/punishment in the form of more violence.
He has told you what he intends.
Please listen and do not go back. Ever.

There's no cultural factors, but we did have a "traditional" marriage where I deferred to him on the bigger decisions. He used to not be so bad, but in recent years he's become more and more controlling.. to the point where I can't even buy my own clothes. I have a disability and he's my carer so he makes a lot of the decisions anyway. I don't have any friends or family other than my father and his wife, who is not my mother. My father did abuse my actual mother, yes. I've stayed this long because I'm so scared of being alone.

No no no! Don't go back!

My ex used to do that to me. I wish I had had the courage to leave the first time and not endure it for years. It just got worse. Especially when he did it so hard it actually felt like my brain was hitting my skull. Mine was because I didn't do as I was told too.

Being on my own is preferable to that.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sorry you went through that. x

He’s even said that he won’t tolerate "disobedience or misbehaviour."

He’s clearly told you he sees you as someone whose behaviour he has a right to control. And has shown you he thinks he has a right to physically control you. Going back to him won’t help anything.

You've already left him. You've done the hardest part.
You've been strong so you know you can do it.
Perhaps think about what you would be going back to if you did return. There are far worse things than being alone, especially if, as you say, his controlling behaviour is escalating.
Soon you won't be allowed out on your own, even to see friends...

Stay strong

If you are disabled you are more vulnerable so it’s even more important that you don’t go back.

Oh love, well done for leaving. His behaviour then was wrong; his behaviour now is still wrong even if he ‘seems nice’. You asked if

Do you have a Women’s Aid service near
you? It may be good to talk with them.

This isn’t normal, not all men are like this and the ‘nice’ behaviour is certainly
typical of a ‘ploy’ to get you to comply.

That word 'misbehaviour' is a HUGE red flag. My father used the same term to justify his violence towards my mother. Examples of her misbehaviour included things like buying us Christmas presents. If you go back, you will live in fear of the consequences of 'misbehaving' My advice: walk away.

He's a nasty fucker and a waste of space.

I'd laugh in his face.

If he touches you again ring the Police

You've done the hard part OP in leaving him. Please don't go back he isn't worthy to be your husband or flat mate and it isn't safe. Take care.

He clipped you around the ear 'to prove a point'? Well, he certainly did prove a point, but not the one he intended. The point he proved is that he is an abusive arsehole who doesn't deserve to be in a relationship.

Tell him you don't tolerate twats.

I don't mean to sound flippant by the way... this makes me angry on your behalf OP. Especially if you are vulnerable due to your disability. What a vile man! I really hope you can find a solution to stay away from this abuser. Best of luck. 💐

OP your relationship is more like pet and owner than a married couple. You give a dog a tap with a newspaper for disobedience.

He loves the fact that you're so dependent on him, he gets off on it. He's manipulating you to go back but if you go back, the clip will turn into a slap and the slap will turn into a punch.

You could contact Scope for advice and a domestic abuse organisation.

Do not go back to him. This is not normal behaviour, it is just the tip of the iceberg and I can guarantee it will get worse

You need some external support, urgently. Do you have a social worker? Is there a charity for your health condition, or a women's health group near you? Get googling and get some extra help, you must be completely drained by it all.

No!! Please don't go back! He's not "being nice" as he still believes he was justified in raising his hands to you. He WILL therefore feel justified doing it again.

You did the hardest part already in leaving him.
Block him and get as much support for yourself as possible. Contact Women's Aid, do the freedom program, research domestic abuse statistics to drill home the risk.

Understand that you chose this man as a result of what you witnessed having a father abuse your mother and don't repeat the pattern.

You deserve better

You said he is your carer, does he get benefits for that? It could be the reason why he is wanting you back.
Don't go back to him whatever you do. Its not normal to clip someone round the ear and it could be worse next time.
If I were you I would be reporting him to police for what he did.