I feel like I've messed up my life

[ToddlerIs2]

I got a degree and a decent job straight from Uni but was always awful with money. Spending it makes me feel better so I never saved the way I should have. Moved into my own place and met now DH. Earned more so didn't want to combine banks, I've had bad experience with a parent being terrible with money and it made me wary. All good, although no savings but decent life. Got pregnant, intending to keep working but she was a really poorly baby and we spent two years in and out of hospital, so I took redundancy which covered me for a while. Just as she was getting older and more independent I was going to look for work but finally fell pregnant, with twins. Then COVID. So no return to work.

Now they're growing up and our UC will end May. I have no savings. No wages. I get carers but it's a tiny amount. I have 4k on a credit card. DH will have savings just over the threshold so we're understandably not entitled to IC once we get that money.
And as we've never shared money, he's a good saver and I'm appalling with money, I don't feel like I can now just tap that cash pot.
Of course he'll cover all bills but he doesn't know about the credit card bill because that's been my shame to bear.
Working is obviously the right move as the kids have just started full time school but I'm so overwhelmed with the complexity of having childcare in place before I get a job and affording that given we won't get any financial help and how long do I have that in place for before I even manage to get a job after a ten year career gap? And how do we afford holiday care 8-6 for 10 weeks a year? How do I get them to childcare and back when I don't drive and can't afford to learn? I'm 18 months off finishing an OU degree that I hoped would get me into teaching and all I can see is me sitting at home every day asking DH for pocket money so I can go for a coffee once every few months.

And I know, I know. This is what I deserve. I should have left my infant in hospital and gone to work. I shouldn't have made myself reliant on someone else / the state. I should be a fucking grown up and save my money and have investments and income streams. I should accept that I can't give my younger kids the attention my older one got at their age and that it's perfectly normal for them to be away from me 8-6 every day. That I shouldn't be entitled to keep up my volunteer work because paid work is more important, regardless of how much my identify is shaped by it.

But I'm so scared and overwhelmed. I'm scared of working again and coping with that and the kids when it feels so much to organise and do and I don't know where to start and I will be that parent working in a low paid job whilst my sister / sil is home with their kids full time because it's so important for them etc....

I just hate myself and the mess I've made of my life.

Why are you so determined to do everything alone and where is your husband in all this?

You're married so finances are shared. You've taken time out of work to look after his children, so it's only right he supports you.

It sounds like you've done a lot with your OU course and volunteering.

I would take things a step at a time. Regarding your debts I would contact The National Debtline and see if there's anything that can be done regarding that.

It's a shame you didn't learn to drive when you were off work but it's not too late to start. In the meantime either your husband will have to do drop offs, you can car share or use public transport.

I'd also look into doing a money management course. There are free ones you can do online.

All the best op, I'm similar with needing to save more, had a good job but got made redundant, thankfully no debt, and no kids but I know I'll still need savings

What's done is done. Draw a line and look forward.

Your life is not a mess! You have a house, a family, a husband who can cover the bills. Many don't.

Honestly work and childcare is a fucking horrible juggle. My DC are 12 and 8 and it's worse than ever. There's no wrap around care at secondary but my DC doesn't feel ready to be left for long periods and my younger DC's after school club is in a state of collapse. Covering the holidays with no family help is such a pain. I'm in a permanent state of anxiety over it.

A school hours job would be perfect.

Right, time to be practical. Calculate debt and speak to stepchange. If your husband has the money to pay it off, he’s your best bet. He’ll find out next time you apply for a mortgage deal anyway. In the scheme of things, £4k isn’t the end of the world.

Can you work as a teaching assistant or similar? That’ll deal with your childcare issues over the holidays. Also don’t forget that tax free child care can be claimed for out of hours child care.

There’s no point sitting at 2am and getting upset. Get a way out. If that means paying it yourself, you need to earn money but in any event you should tell your husband. Decide what’s most important, getting financial freedom or being at home full time. Is there anyway to do both? If not, choose your path.

My husband got into a similar amount of credit card debt buying nothing of importance. I was bloody furious but I paid it off from my savings and we spoke a lot about financial responsibility. He’s loads happier and more confident with money now.

Why does your husband have savings while you have debt? You've taken a career and earnings hit to look after your children (BOTH of your children). Sometimes, that has to happen for a while. Why on earth does the financial hit end with just you? Yes it's important for women to remain financially independent as far as possible but when you have children together you have to share your pot to some extent. If he doesn't even know you've built up debt whilst he has built up savings, you really need to sit down together and talk this through.

You don’t have a money problem you have a marriage problem. I don’t understand all these posts where a married couple have completely separate finances. You need to be sitting down with your husband and having a discussion with him.

Great advice from username299

When I read your op, I had two opposing thoughts.

The first is that I agree with you in so many ways about society not being fair on working mothers. Childcare costs are horrendous and there aren’t enough subsidised holiday clubs. Also you have come through a lot with an ill baby.

The other thought is that you are catastrophising a lot op, As pp said, you are volunteering and studying and have been in a caring , as well as a parenting role for three dc, so a job might be easier than balancing all of those things, especially if you find one in the same area as your volunteering position , which brings you fulfilment.

I think it would definitely be a good idea to finish your studies . And maybe find a p/t role to build up your confidence at the beginning. You don’t have to rush and do everything all at once. Step by step is good enough.

As for your spending, and lack of saving, you do need some advice and help with that but I think it would help considerably if you had an honest talk with your dh. Tell him about your debt and put a plan in place. Share your worries with him. Come up with a plan together.

As pp said, he was somewhat involved in your pregnancies too!

Did you ever talk to your dh properly about joint income when you had to take redundancy, and saving your payout, or what would happen when it ran out?

He’s benefited from moving in to your property presumably?

And op, speaking frankly, just put the sil out of your mind. It’s tough but you are not in the same position as her and you need to be focused on your own path. And few mothers of three can be sahms nowadays. Also, trust me, being a sahm doesn’t necessarily guarantee that you will be the greatest parent in the world either. .

You have between now and May to really focus on getting that pt job. Ask around for potential opportunities where you volunteer to begin with.

You can do this op but breathe, write an action plan, and start tackling all of the issues gradually with more input from your dh.

Good luck.

And great advice from Chickenwhine
and others too since I wrote all of that :)

Can you work nights somewhere so no childcare costs. I did. Wasn't ideal but brought money in.

I would seek advice and help for the debt from free services, and tell your husband. It will be difficult, but debts should not be a secret in a marriage.

You can get out of this, one step at a time. It is hard to see it, but you will get there. Even if you can get a part time job, its better than nothing, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Ease yourself in for confidence and still be better off.

Comparing yourself to others when things are tough is really not kind to yourself, we all do that, but put it out of your mind - it's making things worse x

You need to talk to your husband, and you need to be honest about the credit card.

You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and talk to your husband

Look at joining the civil service if works location wise. Many in my teams work school hours and term time. Hopefully there’s a bus you can get to the school / wrap around. For several years I did that, bus / train. A car is easier of course but we made it work.

What a load of self indulgent nonsense this paragraph was;

And I know, I know. This is what I deserve. I should have left my infant in hospital and gone to work. I shouldn't have made myself reliant on someone else / the state. I should be a fucking grown up and save my money and have investments and income streams. I should accept that I can't give my younger kids the attention my older one got at their age and that it's perfectly normal for them to be away from me 8-6 every day. That I shouldn't be entitled to keep up my volunteer work because paid work is more important, regardless of how much my identify is shaped by it.

I am afraid it made me lose all sympathy for you. There was no reason for you not to get a job when the twins were toddlers.

Honestly, this feels really unfair on you, your husband has had an easy ride, he was only able to work and save money because you were home looking after his (ill!) child! Why is the child entirely your responsibility?? Where is your husband in all this now? He only has savings because you allowed him to work uninterrupted while you looked after your child. He was just as dependent on you as you feel you are on him, but he comes out of this unscathed.

Your husband needs to step up and help with the FAMILY situation you are in.

Op you have taken a huge career hit by bringing up yours and your husband's children, something that should absolutely be reflected in your joint finances. As soon as we had a baby we combined bank accounts and have just one shared account so all money is shared. I would sit down with your husband and suggest this moving forward, you are a partnership and you've sacrificed earning to give your children the best start, the least he can do is have a shared bank account.

Is the OU course full-time? If not a part time or full-time Teaching Assistant job could be ideal, it would work in terms of not needing childcare and will give you experience in the classroom if you want to become a teacher (or it might put you off 😬
The main thing is that you shouldn't feel like a failure, you sound like a great mother. If anything is failing it's the marriage dynamic currently.

I can only echo what others have already said:
Stop feeling sorry for yourself, put your big pants on, speak to your husband and start working as a team!
Honestly, there are 1001 solutions to your problems if you pool finances and work together.

I get carers but it's a tiny amount. I have 4k on a credit card. DH will have savings just over the threshold so we're understandably not entitled to IC once we get that money.

If he paid off your debt would that bring you under the threshold for UC?

What about if he paid more into the mortgage?

While I'm on the logic people should support themselves, there's no point in you stressing over debt While he's sitting on a savings account especially if that means your denied other benefits.

You have a plan to get into teaching so I'd try to stick with it which means your school holidays will be covered. Childcare for 3 kids just isn't cheap.

You and DH need to talk

You need to tell your husband about the debt. A working from home job may suit you?

I'm 18 months off finishing an OU degree that I hoped would get me into teaching and all I can see is me sitting at home every day asking DH for pocket money so I can go for a coffee once every few months.

If you're going to be a teacher, why on earth would this be the case?

Get qualified and start earning!

Do you/DH have a mortgage?

I'd stop worrying about 'income streams from savings' not many people with three young kids have that! Keep your career on track and once earning you can start driving lessons.

Another marriage with separate finances. What was the point of marrying? It’s supposed to be a partnership including all aspects of life.

Do you have access to enough money for day to day spending op?

Why are you doing another degree to get into teaching? Just do a pgce.

You need to speak to your DH urgently, pay off the debt together and combine finances. Ypu are a team.

Can you get a part-time retail, hospitality or care job? Something that involves evening and weekend work so you don't need childcare.