I feel like I've messed up my life

[ToddlerIs2]

I got a degree and a decent job straight from Uni but was always awful with money. Spending it makes me feel better so I never saved the way I should have. Moved into my own place and met now DH. Earned more so didn't want to combine banks, I've had bad experience with a parent being terrible with money and it made me wary. All good, although no savings but decent life. Got pregnant, intending to keep working but she was a really poorly baby and we spent two years in and out of hospital, so I took redundancy which covered me for a while. Just as she was getting older and more independent I was going to look for work but finally fell pregnant, with twins. Then COVID. So no return to work.

Now they're growing up and our UC will end May. I have no savings. No wages. I get carers but it's a tiny amount. I have 4k on a credit card. DH will have savings just over the threshold so we're understandably not entitled to IC once we get that money.
And as we've never shared money, he's a good saver and I'm appalling with money, I don't feel like I can now just tap that cash pot.
Of course he'll cover all bills but he doesn't know about the credit card bill because that's been my shame to bear.
Working is obviously the right move as the kids have just started full time school but I'm so overwhelmed with the complexity of having childcare in place before I get a job and affording that given we won't get any financial help and how long do I have that in place for before I even manage to get a job after a ten year career gap? And how do we afford holiday care 8-6 for 10 weeks a year? How do I get them to childcare and back when I don't drive and can't afford to learn? I'm 18 months off finishing an OU degree that I hoped would get me into teaching and all I can see is me sitting at home every day asking DH for pocket money so I can go for a coffee once every few months.

And I know, I know. This is what I deserve. I should have left my infant in hospital and gone to work. I shouldn't have made myself reliant on someone else / the state. I should be a fucking grown up and save my money and have investments and income streams. I should accept that I can't give my younger kids the attention my older one got at their age and that it's perfectly normal for them to be away from me 8-6 every day. That I shouldn't be entitled to keep up my volunteer work because paid work is more important, regardless of how much my identify is shaped by it.

But I'm so scared and overwhelmed. I'm scared of working again and coping with that and the kids when it feels so much to organise and do and I don't know where to start and I will be that parent working in a low paid job whilst my sister / sil is home with their kids full time because it's so important for them etc....

I just hate myself and the mess I've made of my life.

Because I'm ashamed.

@monkeymonkeysox because when I started I had one poorly kid tentatively in school part time. It was about giving myself something to use my brain. Then I figured by the time I was done, he'd be in a position for wrap around care. Every page on here about teaching says how awfully hard the first few years are, I thought it better to do that once all the kids were in school Vs juggling it with kids in nursery and trying to find a childminder for three kids, one of whom had some complex needs

Yeah, he transfers me his split of the bills at the start of the month then his split of the shopping at the end. He also pays me over that to account for where tax credits dropped as his wages increased so it wasn't my loss to his gain. It was always me that pushed for separate finances because ironically it made me feel more secure.
We normally got halves on big purchases, we've just needed a new dryer, I said I was skint, he paid for it. It's my shame that's holding me back, his disappointment in me even though he wouldn't say much about it. The fact I know he thinks I overspend but I always tell him it's controlled so admitting that that isn't true.

We rent. I can't remember exactly if it will, I could ask. I just worry the organisation needed for teaching will be so much and I'll screw up

This is more about honesty regarding finance than amounts.

DH and I have separate finances in theory as separate accounts but we discuss them often.

If you’re in debt to meet your share of bills or buying essentials for yourself or the children that’s one thing. If it’s that you have spent it on items that are ridiculous that’s another. You asked for seperate finances so he wouldn’t know what you spent money on.

You need to sit down for an honest discussion about finances.

Just talk to your DH honestly. And look on your local council website for school jobs, you could do TA work or even midday supervisor? Before you start teaching. It's easier to get a job if you already have a job. Take things step by step. He's your husband, you should be able to lean on him for support just as you would support him if the tables were turned.

It's ok, there is a really simple solution to this.

Be honest with your husband. Tell him about your 4K credit card debt. Tell him you need combined finances.

Your children have two parents, not one. You took years off because of your children, which is a joint enterprise, not yours alone. It is not yours alone to bear, not the shame of the credit card debt or the overspending or anything else.

You're in a marriage not a flatshare. Tell him your problems and that you need the money. And yes admit the truth that you overspend. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face and take on all this incredible stress, financial burden and misery just to avoid admitting a small truth like that.

Your life isn't ruined. You're part of a loving relationship where you had to change your employment situation to have children, something your husband was 100% part of and should be 100% part of still, including financially supporting the mother of his children who is still suffering financially and now emotionally to this day as a result of having children.

Your issue is mainly lack of communication with your DH. You might have pushed for separate finances in the early days when you were both earning, but circumstances are entirely different now. Where does your DH think you are magically getting money from without a job?! Surely once you are reliant on UC then the two of you should have been discussing finances? And if it is his savings that mean you are about to stop receiving it, then you certainly need to discuss.

Your paragraph about 'I should have left my sick child in hospital and got a job' sounds like goady nonsense, and makes me doubt if this post is real, but assuming it is:

First step - you need to tell him about the credit card debit and see if he will pay it off. He should do, as absolutely no point him having savings and you accruing interest. What is on it anyway? Is it stuff you didn't really need? Or is it things that were needed for the household/kids/you that you didn't speak to him about?

Second - talk to your husband about getting a job! Something part time that works around school would be ideal. But talk to him about if you need extra childcare, how would that work?

Childcare - start looking at what options are available: before/after school clubs; nursery/childminder wraparound for school kids. Find out about costs and availability. But costs shouldn't be yours alone - so again TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND!

Complete your course - there is no sense getting this far and not completing the teaching qualification. I understand your concerns about joining teaching with lots leaving, but it makes no sense getting this far and giving up. Plus teaching is the ultimate job to work around school holidays at least. Although I think you would still need wraparound for term time.

You and your husband should be a team. Finances joint. Childcare down to both of you. You need to work out together what is and isn't feasible. He might be annoyed at you hiding the credit card debt, but you can't hide it forever and every day you avoid dealing with it is getting worse. And ultimately he should be supportive of helping you get on track workwise and supporting the family financially.

I do understand your catastrophising to certain extent as I am prone to it too. And in some ways I am in similar circumstances to you. I left my job after my second child as I just couldn't see it working with 2 for a number of reasons (MN crime! - but none of my reasons as valid as yours). I haven't had a 'job' for over 10 years, although I have done freelance work, so not entirely not working. But I didnt have to deal with childcare arrangements and work. I am now looking for a job and it is daunting. But my husband has always been supportive (financially and emotionally).

Come clean about the debt. Use your husbands savings to pay it off in one lump and cut up your card so you’re not tempted again.

This will push his savings below the UC threshold and buy you extra time to figure out what to do once his savings go over the threshold again.

Do it now so you don’t go over the threshold and have to reapply etc.

Re goady post and sick child, I've just read enough threads on here to know that for some people there is zero excuse for not fully funding the children you have, that they would never let themselves quit work and somehow would have made it all work better than I could. I was just preempting that.

He is supportive emotionally and I guess it's the idea of letting him down that stops my honesty. Re spending, a mix. Stuff for the kids / house but also stuff I think they want / need that he would never consider buying. So they probably have more clothes than if he were sole parent. They get more miscellaneous treats eh magazines, the odd MacDonalds etc., and then there's the stuff where I'm scatty so taxis because we're running late, take out when I'm feeling down etc. I grew up poor so should know better but I've always had money burn a hole in my pocket. It's pathetic I haven't learnt by now in my 40s.

I did look at jobs last night, wondering how quickly I can get a Level 1 childcare qualification 😂 but this module is so fricking hard I really didn't want to get a job until the exam in June but then it's nearly school holidays so for term time that likely means September and so my master procrastinator goes ever onwards.

You're in a pickle and need to come clean to your partner about the debt. Then you guys can find a way forward with your actual finances. Don't worry about how you're going to juggle things, you're in it together and almost every family has these issues around time work and money.

Op there's no point in you trying to do anything that involves more studying and qualifications just now.

Talk - to your husband. You have 3 children between you. You can't take all the financial hit for it.

If you really feel the need to get a job, do something like bar work so you aren't relying on childcare.

But look at finances together and decide on your best approach.

Yeah - MN would be appalled at me! Sick child and twins is way more valid than my reasons!

The CC debit isn't going anywhere till you deal with it. And has only come about because you didn't talk to your husband about finances before now. It can only get worse if you don't speak to him about it. If you had spoken to him sooner it would be much smaller, or you wouldn't have got a CC in the first place. My DH is the spender in my family. When I found out he was putting money in savings but had a load sat on a CC I was like WTF - pay that off first! So I'm sure your husband will be the same. Then, don't have a credit card! And just be honest like you have here - you recognise some of the spends weren't needed, you've been too ashamed to talk to him till now. But equally, that your benefits have never been enough to cover your share but you felt you had to bear the burden as you initially pushed for separate finances. If he's as supportive as you say I think he'll mostly be upset at you keeping things from him and not talking to him sooner. Maybe look at apps/tools to help you regulate and monitor your spending. While initially resistant to banking apps, I have found they are great for always knowing what you've spent. I know my spender husbands liked to bury his head in the sand about how much money he spent by never checking his balance!

I am also a chronic procrastinator/overthinker. But I've learnt that sometimes I just need to give myself a kick and go for it. Like thinking all the reasons I can't do a job when I haven't even got an interview! So maybe keep an eye out for jobs that would work for you and apply. Because reality is, you aren't going to get the first thing you apply for. So going through the process of applying (and even having interviews) would be beneficial. I would have thought June/July is when schools start recruiting for the coming year, so a good time to get something lined up for September rather than starting the search in September.

You could get something in the meantime. Someone mentioned hospitality evenings and weekends. That could certainly work. But again, I would say a discussion with your husband. Do you need/want to do that? Does he? I know mine would rather be financially supporting me have me not be here. But if we couldn't afford it I would absolutely try and get that sort of job.

I could sympathise with how overwhelmed you feel, OP, until this:

And I know, I know. This is what I deserve. I should have left my infant in hospital and gone to work. I shouldn't have made myself reliant on someone else / the state. I should be a fucking grown up and save my money and have investments and income streams. I should accept that I can't give my younger kids the attention my older one got at their age and that it's perfectly normal for them to be away from me 8-6 every day. That I shouldn't be entitled to keep up my volunteer work because paid work is more important, regardless of how much my identify is shaped by it.

Don't play the victim. This smacks of 'why should I have to do this' and is really indicative that you are purging yourself of any real responsibility.

Sit down with your DH, come clean about the credit card debt, and make a firm plan – you don't have to sort everyone in one go. Big things first and then work your way down.

– Work out how much you need to earn – can that be done term time in school hours or will you have to go full time?
– Register for tax free childcare, which can be used on school and holiday clubs, nannies and childminders (so long as they are OFSTED registered)
– If the latter, get them into afterschool club and start job searching
– Tackle school holidays once you have a job. A mixture of holiday clubs and annual leave it how most families do it.
– Assuming affordability is an issue, look into some online help for counselling for how you handle your finances. Clare Seal's books are very good.

Forget the shoulda woulda coulda. Its just noise distracting you from starting from where you are now and moving forward. Your voluntary work gives you satisfaction and meaning and will have given you valuable experience. I'd suggest you look for opportunities in the third sector. The pay obviously isn't the best, but there's a big labour shortage, they tend to be supportive around personal commitments and like candidates who've shown commitment by volunteering.

A mixture of things here. Of course you shouldn't have had to leave your child etc, but decisions have consequences and your DH should be playing a part on sharing this.

All of this "And I know, I know. This is what I deserve. I should have left my infant in hospital and gone to work. I shouldn't have made myself reliant on someone else / the state. I should be a fucking grown up and save my money and have investments and income streams. I should accept that I can't give my younger kids the attention my older one got at their age and that it's perfectly normal for them to be away from me 8-6 every day. That I shouldn't be entitled to keep up my volunteer work because paid work is more important, regardless of how much my identify is shaped by it"

... just makes it sound like actually you don't think this is your fault (not that I think it is, but you are saying that it is on the one hand but then the above on the other) but the fault of society or expectations etc. Yes, of course if you can't afford to volunteer you need to work and earn, that's pretty standard isn't it? If you are training to better the family then DH needs to help support that. Of course if you are needing to work to earn (like most people) then your kids will be in childcare.

However it sounds a bit like you want people to tell you how unfair it all is etc, when actually it just sounds like life.

What sort of expenses went on the CC?

Do you actually know how much childcare is for two at the same time?

I was only able to stay in work when i had my twins due to my very helpful mum and a flexible workplace and even then i was only part time. If not for my mum enabling me to cling onto my job, we would have lost our house. Nobody plans to have twins.

Just talk to your partner. You are a team. Surely finances should be shared. If you have taken time out to raise children/look after an ill child then you have been working, albeit unpaid! You need to have a shared plan rather than what you spend and he spends.

In terms of the degree and plan to teach, what is your degree? Could it lead to teaching?
Teaching is a hard job (been there done that) but being a teaching assistant is very rewarding, and gets the holidays. The pay isn't amazing but maybe this would fit around your children. Alternatively you could try doing supply work to see whether teaching is for you.

Kind of this but I don’t get why the ops husband is getting such a pasting on here. Have people even read the op? It’s the op herself who wanted to keep finances separate as she was the higher earner and wanted to keep her money for herself! And of course everyone has time off when they have a baby, but the op has not had even a part time job for a decade now. Her oh has had to provide for the entire family, while the op not only does unpaid voluntary work instead of earning to provide for her family, but is currently racking up secret credit card debt behind her husbands back! Now imagine if that was the other way round and it was the husband sat at home for ten years refusing to contribute and racking up debt. I just feel like the op is looking for excuses to not work, the last one being Covid! That was 4 years ago, and both me and my oh did temporarily lose our normal jobs due to that, but both easily found 2 other jobs each to keep us going for that year.

Op I've sent you a pm, hope you don't mind.

I don't mean this unkindly but you seem to be coming up with one excuse after the other to avoid working.

Most people would prefer not to, but needs must. Can't you at least get an overnight or weekend supermarket job?

What do you mean by ‘then where was Covid’ so you haven’t been able to get a job? And you’ve not been able to find one since? At all? Not even in a pub, hospitality, supermarket, or a factory, even delivering leaflets or something? You’ve been rejected for every job for the last 4 years straight (I get all the years before while the children were small). It’s really not that difficult to pick up shifts around your partners working patterns, or the other way round if you’re capable of earning more than him.

Why are you kicking yourself so much for being a mother???

And no of course you shouldn’t have left your infant in hospital and gone to work! They needed you and you were there. That is important.

You haven't messed up your life. You have plenty of time to enjoy a good career.
Take a deep breath. Talk to your husband and tackle each issue one at a time.
It all seems overwhelming at the moment because you are trying to tackle this by yourself.
You need to share finances, pay of your debts and then think about how to get back onto the career ladder.
If you need to start earning now why don't you consider childminding? I don't know what qualifications you already have but you can complete courses online. It's hard work and it will take a while to build up your business but there is a desperate shortage of childcarers

I also think there are grants available to help you train and set up business