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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Skeevy "uncle" in touch

51 replies

NiftyBiscuit · 05/01/2025 22:58

(Throwaway account as family know my username)

Backstory: aunt has an old friend from uni days. When I was 18-ish he was late 40s. We were friendly, I went to visit him in my early 20s, considered him an honorary uncle. From various comments made, I suspect he had a "friends with benefits" arrangement with my aunt.

Looking back on things a decade later, I realised how inappropriate things were. He was very keen to be friends with me, have me to stay etc. Probably nothing illegal, but definitely wandering hands, insisting on a kiss on the lips...

Roughly 5 years ago he and my aunt had a falling out, I don't know why. He disappeared from the family circle. I honestly thought nothing of him for the last few years.

Yesterday, out of the blue, I received a very long email from him. He talked about considering me a friend apart from my aunt, then discussed many painful issues in the last few months (significant bereavement, ill health, financial issues). He asked me to visit and to help him. He was clearly very distressed and struggling to cope.

I'm now nearly 40, and he's 70.
I feel incredibly guilty for not helping, but I'm surprised about how anxious the contact has made me

AIBU to be polite but distant? What should I say?

OP posts:

Coka · 05/01/2025 23:00

Ignore.

TotallyTwisted · 05/01/2025 23:01

Oh my god, yes, just ignore him. And block his email address.

Marmalady75 · 05/01/2025 23:03

First post nailed it.

IGotBigKidsAndICannotLie · 05/01/2025 23:04

Yeah run for the hills op, and don't look back.

BreakfastClubBlues · 05/01/2025 23:06

He's no 'friend' OP; the entire relationship is weird.
Don't reply, just block the email address and forget all about him.

Original poster

NiftyBiscuit · 05/01/2025 23:16

Thank you all!
It might sound ridiculous, but the idea that I could ignore this never crossed my mind. I was either going to be friendly but distant, or engage fully.

I'm not sure I'll have the confidence to ignore it, but I'm thankful for the prompting to try!

OP posts:

Maurepas · 05/01/2025 23:29

Agree - ignore. Hopefully he lives some distance away - by now you can say you hardly remember him.

Endofyear · 05/01/2025 23:31

Just delete his email. You don't owe him anything!

Tipsssy · 05/01/2025 23:38

NiftyBiscuit · 05/01/2025 23:16

Thank you all!
It might sound ridiculous, but the idea that I could ignore this never crossed my mind. I was either going to be friendly but distant, or engage fully.

I'm not sure I'll have the confidence to ignore it, but I'm thankful for the prompting to try!

Ignore and block.

Lots of people have dis-used email addresses - if you need an excuse to feel better.

Your experienced gut is telling you now what you didnt know / couldnt feel as a teenager - he's a predatory creep.

2JFDIYOLO · 09/01/2025 00:27

Ignore.
Delete.
Block.
Get in with your life.

JC03745 · 09/01/2025 00:35

OP- I'd be the 1st person to offer help, OMG, how sad blah blah. Having been on MN a while now and getting older/wise myself, I too think you ignore.

Your email could have changed etc. Its sad he is reaching out, but also bizarre- does he have no family, friends etc- which is also very telling!

Is your aunt still alive? Has this man ever been discussed with her? 'What ever happened to that man/Dave/Pete you dated all those years ago?' Your aunt likely knows a much bigger backstory about his history and why they broke up. I'd leave it and block though!

Edited to day- 25yrs after breaking up with a boyfriend, he contacted me asking to get in touch, saying hi, lets catch up etc. We'd dated 3yrs, but I'm married and have absolutely no interest in seeing him. He owes me money and is a sleeze among other things. I've never accepted FB requests and blocked his number from phones etc. You can too OP.

dunkery · 09/01/2025 01:38

So after a significant bereavement, ill health and financial issues and has asked you to visit and to help him"
In other words he has no one to keep him company and needs a carer and someone to pay the bills. .
He is trying to guilt you into helping by telling you he is "very distressed and struggling to cope"
Why would you help him when he made you feel uncomfortable and you have had no contact for 5 years.
Do not reply and block him before you get drawn in by him.

Choccyscofffy · 09/01/2025 02:08

Sounds more like you were groomed than a friend. There was a 30+ years age gap.

Please don’t meet him. I abruptly refused to see my mum’s brother when he touched me as a teen.

Choccyscofffy · 09/01/2025 02:09

dunkery · 09/01/2025 01:38

He’s also thinking OP is now easier to attain as a 40yo.

Moreinheavenandearth · 09/01/2025 02:12

I bet he remembers you as kind and is banking on capitalising on this. Ignore him and delete his email tout suite

CatonMat · 09/01/2025 02:13

It sounds as if he's laying the groundwork ready to try for more kisses and cuddles.

If you meet up, he'll try and then have excuses at hand, bereavement etc.

3LemonsAndLime · 09/01/2025 02:53

OP, I agree you should just ignore it and (if you need to for your own sake) pretend you have a different email address.

However it seems like you are going to answer it. If so, then wait a minimum of 2 weeks before doing so. Let the emotions it has stirred up subside before you do anything you may regret. It is not urgent. You are not close to him. You have not been in contact for 5 years. You are no blood relation or even a relation by marriage. To be reaching out to you (someone he only knows so vaguely), he would already gone through a lot of other people closer to him (eg your aunt?) who have knocked him back or for whatever reason the relationship was so severed he didn’t reach out to them.

That is a lot of people to put offside. And you don’t know why - fraud, criminal behaviour, emotionally bad behaviour or just bad personality.

There are a whole bunch of reasons why you don’t want to put a toe on this very sticky wicket. I recommend waiting at least 2 weeks to respond (if at all) and speaking to your Aunt before you do.

lemmein · 09/01/2025 03:02

You don't owe him a thing. His problems are nothing to do with you. Delete and forget about him.

Monty27 · 09/01/2025 03:06

Delete delete delete. And forget it. Life's different now.
And block of he doesn't go away.

DontCryForMeArgentuna · 09/01/2025 03:18

All day long ignore, delete, and BLOCK.

Do not let a ‘guilty conscience’ over not helping the pervy ex-fuck buddy of your aunt cause you to respond ‘out of courtesy’ or some vague idea of ‘doing the right thing’. That’s a load of bollocks and should be firmly ignored!

Topseyt123 · 09/01/2025 03:36

Totally ignore it. Block me sleazy twat too. Nothing good can come of this, he's bad news.

You owe him absolutely nothing. Do not engage at all.

Desmodici · 09/01/2025 05:40

Excusing any ulterior motives, if you take on a caring role now, you'll be caring for him for the rest of his life. He's not your responsibility, and your aunt probably wouldn't appreciate it.

SandieWooz · 09/01/2025 06:55

She has absolutely no reason whatsoever to respond to his email. None!!
What the sleazeball is going through now happens to many of us and he should deal with it himself. He’s just looking at it as an excuse to pick up where he left off.
if I was her,I would delete and block, there is no need to mention it to her Aunt either.

Letsgocamping67 · 09/01/2025 06:58

He’s looking for a nurse with a purse to look after him and probably you have popped into his memory. Ignore.

Ohthatsabitshit · 09/01/2025 07:02

I’d tell your aunt he’d contacted you and why and see what she says.

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