Skeevy "uncle" in touch

[NiftyBiscuit]

(Throwaway account as family know my username)

Backstory: aunt has an old friend from uni days. When I was 18-ish he was late 40s. We were friendly, I went to visit him in my early 20s, considered him an honorary uncle. From various comments made, I suspect he had a "friends with benefits" arrangement with my aunt.

Looking back on things a decade later, I realised how inappropriate things were. He was very keen to be friends with me, have me to stay etc. Probably nothing illegal, but definitely wandering hands, insisting on a kiss on the lips...

Roughly 5 years ago he and my aunt had a falling out, I don't know why. He disappeared from the family circle. I honestly thought nothing of him for the last few years.

Yesterday, out of the blue, I received a very long email from him. He talked about considering me a friend apart from my aunt, then discussed many painful issues in the last few months (significant bereavement, ill health, financial issues). He asked me to visit and to help him. He was clearly very distressed and struggling to cope.

I'm now nearly 40, and he's 70.
I feel incredibly guilty for not helping, but I'm surprised about how anxious the contact has made me

AIBU to be polite but distant? What should I say?

Society has really done a number on you, hasn't it? You don't owe this man anything. You don't even have to give him the time of day reading his email. Delete and block and don't give him any more head space.

Don’t give him an inch. If you respond at all, he will try to reel you in.
recently, one of my childhood bullies contacted me on FB. I’d also met him at a reunion 20 years ago where he made a pass at me. It was clear to me what his intention was.
but the good old “pleaser” personality and power dynamic nearly had me respond politely but cold. Then I mentioned it to DH and he just said “why are you even fb friends with this guy? Why’d you even accept his request?” And it made me see how ridiculous it was that I felt in any way indebted to someone who never brought me anything but harm.

look, that “uncle” may have his reason and personal struggles, just like my bully has, but it’s none of your concern.

Block and ignore and take back your power💥

Ignore. Delete. Block.

Ooh Lordy. Play dead and don't touch that one with a long stick.

You could send a polite message saying that you are sorry for his troubles but for various reasons it is impossible for you to be in contact with him, and please will he not contact you again. Then block him.

Don’t send a message at all.

Stop with this culture that women have to be nice for goodness sake, just why? He was a bit of a creepy git and guess what now he is old he is lonely. Some people are lonely for a reason and he is one of them.

Block his email and make sure your social media if your on it is locked down.

If you email back or visit once, you'll be doing it forever...

Delete. Ignore. Get on with your life.
Any alternative action would be crazy and asking for trouble.

I'd be very wary. It sounds like it's leading up to a request for money.

Just let it slide ....

Ignore. He’s a predator and there will be reason why your aunt severed contact.
Either that or, like another reply said, he’s looking for a carer.

Ignore !! He is on his knees and is looking for someone to financially help out, he will see you as a soft touch. He doesn't see you as a friend outside of his relationship with your aunt or he'd have been in touch years ago..
Do you see him as a friend outside of that relationship? I bet not!

He will bleed you for what he can get and disappear from your life as soon as he's used you.

Sincerely
Experience

Wasn't expecting this thread to come back to life again...

Thanks for those offering advice. I don't think I was wrong to open/read his email. Nor do I think I was wrong to be surprised by it, and unsure how to respond. Back when I knew him best, I was young and naive, and it's only now with distance and hindsight that I was seeing more clearly what had been happening. The relationship that he used to have within my family (not just with me) would have considered him a family member, who it would have been reasonable to help. I think that has changed now, for lots of reasons!

Anyway, I haven't replied. I've been away with work this week, which gave me a very good excuse, if I needed one, for not getting in touch immediately.
My aunt was always planning to come to dinner on Saturday, so my plan now is to tell her, very simply, "just wanted to let you know that uncle has been in touch with me," see how she reacts, and go from there. (I'm not going to tell her the full contents, don't worry! Not trying to guilt her into dealing with it either)

I have been in a similar situation, man from years ago although not an honorary uncle type, just a slightly different scenario. The man died recently and it’s been a struggle the guilt I have felt not keeping in touch so just one thing to keep in mind

I’m sure that e-mail went to your junk folder and you missed it.

Fuck off springs to mind!

Argh how horrible, he's looking for someone to look after him. You!

My friend and I are 68 and many years ago she met her current partner. It was their first year together and she rang me when it was his birthday and said she was a bit shocked - she was 45 - he was 62. He had an exciting job, and she travelled the world with him - then three years later he retired.

He's been sitting in the chair ever since and has her running about with cups of tea, making the dinner, doing his washing and ironing - I'm worried she will die from exhaustion. Christmas Day he did absolutely nothing, just watched her standing in the kitchen doing it all. We now realise he was looking for a younger partner to look after him.

This man is not family, and you have zero obligation towards him (even if he was family, you still have no obligation!). You don't know why your Aunt fell out with him, but in your own mind, looking back, you recognise that his behaviour towards you wasn't appropriate. That is more than enough to ignore his email and block him. It's entirely possible he's added a 'read receipt' before sending, so he may be notified if you've read the email, but not everyone knows of the function to do this. Equally, even if, and it's a big IF, he knows you've read his email, you still are not obliged to reply. His problems are not yours, and you don't want to inadvertently make them yours either!!!

Looking forward to update after dinner with aunt OP. 😊
Whoever warned OP about feeling guilty.
About what exactly.

Creeps like him take advantage of the subtle (and perhaps not to subtle) conditioning that women are here to please others, put others' needs ahead of their own, and to 'keep the peace.' Women are constantly guilt tripped. Look up Suzy Reading and heteronormative femininity.

You owe this git nothing, and the slightest contact will ratchet up his demands. You'll be sucked in. Take ownership and block and banish him from your mind and life.

I also wouldnt bring it up with your aunt .... as that might be his intention - he might want you to tell her hes been in oucg as he is blocked - so that she calls him to tell him to back off....he might just want to agitate / provoke / get a reaction.

She might well have suffered under him - might be triggering if she has finally shaken him off?

No, don’t get involved with his shenanigans. You would quickly regret it. Ignore. Delete.

Don't tell her.

He's using you to get at her.

Manipulating female conditioned responses of guilt, compassion, kindness, using you as a tool to use her in the same way in turn.

Don't be turned into a flying monkey.

Or she could not. Why would she be sorry ? He will love that’s he’s got a reaction.

Did you aunt come forluch yesterday @NiftyBiscuit - did you discuss it?

Thanks everyone.
My final comment on this thread (as far as I'm concerned it's all done with now)

My aunt did come to dinner as planned yesterday. She occasionally mentions uncle, so I didn't have qualms about mentioning his name in return. Turns out they have had a little contact over the last few years, and she's been aware of some of the things he raised with me, but isn't getting involved (rightly).

I decided to follow her lead and recommendation, and have sent him a very brief email this afternoon saying that I hope he is able to sort things out, but I am not able to help/visit. It was polite, clear and final, and I'm going to ignore any further contact.