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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner wants me to move

82 replies

Elyi · 05/01/2025 22:08

I’ve been seeing this guy for roughly a year. We have had quite a few trials and tribulations in that time. To cut a long story short, I was expecting but due to his insistence about it being to soon, I ended up terminating the pregnancy. Fast forward to now, he wants us to move in together but has told me it’s either near where his child (14) lives or we are over. I have a 12 year old of my own and this was never something he never said was set in stone. It’s not an area that’s particularly great. I’ve explained my concerns which have fallen on deaf ears. Part of the issue is he is estranged from his child despite a 50/50 court order. I’m not set against it, just that I’m not being heard at all, and instead being told his child is his number one priority and he will allocate time to other priorities thereafter….ie us. I also need to consider my child’s best interests. He also expects me to prioritise him and his child over my life and dreams etc. I did ask if I’m not his priority then how can he be expect me to make him his. I feel incredibly selfish. The thing is, there is no contact and he only lives 40 minutes away in an area I’d be happy to live. Apparently that isn’t suitable for him etc. I did suggest that he can’t go back to court to enforce contact and a breach of the order when he never turns up to enforce it or keep a diary of this. Also, he had managed to fit in time for a new relationship and act very footloose in the time I’ve known him. Again, he never responded to these points and deflected a lot. Most communication wasn’t compassionate but stark and full of ultimatums. Am I wrong to be feeling put out? I would love to meet his child and us all get along yet asking me to buy into a house with all the above and then scoffing at a commitment towards me such as marriage given the commitment I’d be making…it all feels off. Any advice would be welcomed and I don’t mind if it is that I’m the one at fault here. Thanks. :)

OP posts:
andthat · 05/01/2025 22:58

Elyi · 05/01/2025 22:21

Thanks. I just wasn’t sure if it was me

Then kindly, you really need to work on yourself @Elyi.

Read your original post back to yourself and ask yourself why on earth your self worth is so low that you’d even question if you are being unreasonable.

Turmerictolly · 05/01/2025 23:02

Mean this kindly but you need to work on raising your self esteem and worth for the sake of you and your child. Glad to see you are starting by questioning what this dick is 'offering'. Hope you see the light.

Ellie56 · 05/01/2025 23:04

Elyi · 05/01/2025 22:21

Thanks. I just wasn’t sure if it was me

It's not you, it's him. He's a controlling twat and you need to take your child and run for the hills.

Bestfootforward11 · 05/01/2025 23:06

Nope, this guy sounds selfish, incapable of basic respectful communication and has not got a clue what being a good partner means. Your instinct is telling you his behaviour is not ok, and it really isn’t. Time to move on. Good luck.

pinkdelight · 05/01/2025 23:07

I also need to consider my child’s best interests.

Not also. Only. That's all you need to do. Makes it simple. This guy doesn't care about you or your DC so you have to.

Greenfingers37 · 05/01/2025 23:08

He's a walking red flag! Prioritise your child and dump him.

Elyi · 05/01/2025 23:10

Right, I am so grateful for the unvarnished feedbacks. I have been blind and absolutely brainwashed by him. I doubt this is his first rodeo at 50. Yes, I ignored the red flags and manipulation because I do very much love him. That said, my child comes first and having put it into words, it’s startlingly obvious he’s an utter s* bag of a man.
You'll be pleased to know I have told him in no uncertain terms what a load of garbage he’s spewing. That he is full of it re his child and in every other aspect I’ve encountered. He’s blocked and deleted. Yes, it’s painful but I feel a sense of relief that I dodged a huge bullet and so much future pain. And….yes, he has been physical with me on a few occasions. In anger he raised his fist once. Why I didn’t run then, who knows. I have been an idiot but so glad I came on here, put it into words and saw the light. My overriding feeling isn’t sadness but relief. THAT is telling. Thank you all so much 🙂

OP posts:
Neveranynamesleft · 05/01/2025 23:10

Hurrah

healthybychristmas · 05/01/2025 23:12

I wouldn't even want to sit next to this man on the bus never mind move in with him. Keep away from him! You deserve so much better than someone like that.

pikkumyy77 · 05/01/2025 23:15

arethereanyleftatall · 05/01/2025 22:22

Oh for gods sake. Stop being so bloody stupid. He's utterly vile.

I think this about sums it up.

Look, OP, you seem sincerely confused about how people communicate snd make decisions in a healthy relationship. This man ignores your perfectly reasonable statements of self interest snd concern for your child. You fight to make yourself heard and then he argues eith you, shuts you fown, and returns to his original unreasonable demands snd issues ultimatums.

Isnt this OBVIOUSLY bad?

Ellie56 · 05/01/2025 23:19

Well done @Elyi .

CandyLeBonBon · 05/01/2025 23:27

Well done @Elyi onwards and upwards. It's absolutely the right decision

NZDreaming · 05/01/2025 23:30

@Elyi glad you’ve taken decisive action to rid yourself of this utter waste of space. Two things going forward;

  1. do not allow yourself to be sucked back in by him, write a list of all the pain and awful things he’s done and look at it anytime you feel tempted/lonely/he promises you the world.
  2. take some time to assess why you allowed yourself to be railroaded and treated so poorly by him. Why did you think you could even vaguely be being unreasonable?have you always been in bad relationships? Perhaps seek some counselling or try some journaling to work out your thoughts and identify patterns of behaviour you can work on to change in the future.
best of luck
StormingNorman · 05/01/2025 23:30

Great start to the new year!

Haroldwilson · 05/01/2025 23:31

Good you're rid of him. Don't get with anyone else until you understand how you could have even thought for a second that he was a decent man.

candycane222 · 05/01/2025 23:31

👏👏👏👏👏 for you @Elyi

Snoopdoggydog123 · 05/01/2025 23:31

I voted YABU.
Because come bloody on.

TwoBlueFish · 05/01/2025 23:34

Absolutely do not move in with this man. Prioritise your son and yourself and get rid of him.

MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 05/01/2025 23:37

Sorry OP, I voted you were BU because you must be mad to even think of moving for this guy. Dump him, YOU can definitely do better!!

BettyBardMacDonald · 05/01/2025 23:41

Mylovelygreendress · 05/01/2025 22:15

Why would you even consider moving in with this man ?? He sounds awful .

Exactly. Dump this loser from your life.

Start off the new year with higher standards.

HarelessMiffy · 05/01/2025 23:42

This man has more red flags than a Chinese bunting factory.
Do not buy a house with him. Do not have a child with him.

pikkumyy77 · 05/01/2025 23:42

Good going!

pinkdelight · 05/01/2025 23:46

Well done! Hold onto this clarity and no 'but I love him' regrets or backsliding. The physical aspect is an absolute no way back quite apart from his other big issues. Look after yourself and DC and understand how this happened so it won't happen again. You're worth so much more.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/01/2025 00:22

"it all feels off".

Thats because it absolutely was, as you have now gathered. Well done on giving him his marching orders. He was horrible on so many fronts.

In kindness, I do agree with some of the pp who have said that you need to work on your self esteem.
Despite cataloguing some truly terrible behaviour on his part you said things about your self like "I feel Incredibly selfish."
And told MN readers that you were prepared to be told you were at fault. I can only assume that you've been absorbing this nonsense from him every time you stood up to him.

IT IS ABSOLUTELY OK FOR YOU TO BE SELFISH.
ON YOUR BEHALF AND ON YOUR DD'S BEHALF.

So please stop telling yourself off or feeling that you need to apologise for putting yourself and your DD first. Count your blessings for ending this relationship before he put you through any more of his behaviour and upended your and your DD's life... but absolutely resolve to be more selfish from now on, not less. Best of luck x

Itiswhysofew · 06/01/2025 00:33

You sound way too nice and good a person for him. Glad you've decided to end itFlowers