School mum is a cf

[Differentstarts]

My dd is 7 and her best friend is often at our house which i don't mind as she's a lovely kid and they play really nicely together and she actually keeps my daughter amused which obviously makes my life easier the problem is her mum, she never picks her up when she says she is going to, sometimes she's over an hour late. I don't want to stop her coming round but I don't know what else to do as it kind of screws up our evening routine or any plans we have. Iv said stuff to her about it and I will msg her and ring her when she's really late but there is always an excuse. My dd also goes round to her house and I always fetch her when I say I'm going to would I be unreasonable to start doing the same to her.
Yanbu: be really late a few times see how she likes it
Yabu: That's really petty and unfair on your daughter

If she’s the type that doesn’t look at her watch she won’t actually care if you’re late. You either need to drop the kid home yourself or tell the mum you are going out at a certain hour and she absolutely has to pick up by then. And don’t apologise.

I’d just start dropping her back instead of waiting for her to be collected.

I would not be late picking up my child as I know this would upset them and make them anxious.
The other mum is being unreasonable but I wouldn't stoop to doing this for my child's sake. I would have to stop playdates or say a time an hour earlier than needed so if the mum is late she is actually on time.

I don't really want to do this as I feel a bit like I'm looking after your kid the least you can do is pick her up, I don't see why I should go out my way for her just because she can't get her shit together

Start telling her 4pm when you actually don't need her picking up til 5pm. Either that or be honest and say she will have to just start seeing her at school as it impacts other things when she isn't collected.

This is actually a good idea about making up a time and hour earlier

Can you ask her to pick her up at an earlier time and then when she’s late it’s at a time that’s not an issue?

it’s that if have a direct talk about it and say it negatively impacts you

Honestly I think you need to weigh up the pros and cons of the situation. Are the late pick ups worth it for the amusement and companionship provided to your daughter? If yes, suck it up. If no, stop having play dates with them.

I'm going to try the earlier time thing if that doesn't work I'm going have to be more direct because she's just taking the piss at this point and it starting to really annoy me

You're not actually doing her a favour by 'looking after her kid' though.

Your kid wants a playdate and you're accommodating it.

One of my DS's friend's parents was like this, so I'd always drop him home, to save the stress.

I think the pros outweigh the cons but it's just frustrating as I also have a 4 year old and we have a good routine that works for us all so her being late really messes it up and it means homework, bathtime and bedtime end up being later which means me and my partners tea ends up later and it just throws the whole evening. It also means if it's the weekend or holidays it's hard to make plans around playmates as we just have no clue what time she's going to turn up. She's also really bad at answering her phone which really annoys me because if there is an emergency I honestly don't think I could get hold of her

Do you know the reason? DD (8) has a best friend who was always late to drop off and collection was hit and miss. Turns out the mum works nights and relies on family to facilitate and also doesn’t drive herself. Now I collect and drop off and we all win. My daughter is happy, no more is she nearly here yet and the other mum gets to sleep and know her daughter is taken care of. Yes I would prefer if she was dropped off but in the grand scheme it’s no extra hassle and we have a spare booster for the car.

I don't know the reason why she's always late because she lies so much it's car trouble, traffic, work, appointment ran over, family emergency, couldn't find her keys, delivery was late turning up etc which are all valid reasons if its a one off but it's everytime

Yanbu to be annoyed about this. You are being unreasonable to retaliate with the same behaviour as this will probably justify being late even more in her mind. I think best to be completely honest, send a message like “we love having Amelia round but I just wanted to ask, would please be to make sure you’re on time to pick her up? It can really throw out our plans for the rest of the day/evening when we have to wait for her to be collected before we can get on with other things. Thanks for understanding”.

I agree with PP.

Talk to the mum and agree that the Play date host does drop off (ie it works both ways)
You drop hers back and she drops yours back.

Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason for lateness, some people are just that way. My DP is late for everything (and so are his parents for that matter) and it frustrates the hell out of me, it’s not malicious, he’s just one of those people. I tell him an earlier time now if I want him to be somewhere, and it definitely helps.

I actually think that this might be worth a try

This was why I started the expectation with all my kid’s play dates that the visitor gets dropped off at my house and I drop them home. Works vice versa when my kid is visiting them. Means I’m in control of when they leave, though obviously if the parent won’t even be at home that won’t work!

One of my DS friend's mum used to always have loads of kids at her house - but the arrangement was she dropped all the kids back to their homes at an agreed time. At the time I thought it was very generous of her - but now I realise it was also to make sure all the kids left the house when she wanted them to. (if it was just my son then mainly I went to pick him up myself and we would have a catch up).

Your ds friends mum was smart 🤣 i think im going to have to start doing this

I would also do he dropping back as it then avoids them coming in for a chat and a cup of tea and wasting even more of your time / disrupting your routine.

OP, this woman probably won't change.
Encourage other friendships and reduce dependency on this child.

I don't want to break a friendship because the mums a dick

Can you just carry on with your evening routine even if she is there? "It's homework time now, you can join and do yours too or do drawing while you wait", "it's supper time now, would you like some or wait until you go home" etc

Valid suggestion but I would personally find that pretty annoying. Double the work.

I would ask them to pick up 30 minutes earlier than I really need and assume that it would then only be a little later than I really want. Or be more honest and ask her to please be on time. If you get to know the mum more, you could gently ask if there is a reason. Or secretly hope that DC makes a different friend with a more punctual mum!!