Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I reach out to ex?

32 replies

strawberryvolvic · 05/01/2025 19:58

I was thinking of reaching out to my ex. He hasn't seen the children in 2 years and contacted me in the summer to see them again. I felt like too much time had passed and spoke to the children and they didn't show interest in wanting to see him again "why bother when he will just disappear again" (something he did constantly) their words. However i've had a change of mind and I think it would be a good idea to start up contact again (I think the children would agree if he promises to be consistent) Would it be bad to reach out to him? What should I say? I had thought he may have reached out around xmas but he didn't.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 05/01/2025 20:00

so what has changed your mind ?

as it's even longer now.

lunar1 · 05/01/2025 20:01

How old are your children?

WickedlyCharmed · 05/01/2025 20:03

Why ask your children, then ignore their wishes?

Sounds like your children have the measure of him, far more than you have. It seems you want contact with him for you, rather than for them.

Original poster
strawberryvolvic · 05/01/2025 20:05

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 05/01/2025 20:00

so what has changed your mind ?

as it's even longer now.

just didn't think he should get to walk back in after 2 years not bothering but i've had more time to think about it now.

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberryvolvic · 05/01/2025 20:06

lunar1 · 05/01/2025 20:01

How old are your children?

older children teens youngest is 8

OP posts:
OurDreamLife · 05/01/2025 20:06

Is he going to walk in and out and disappear all over again?

Original poster
strawberryvolvic · 05/01/2025 20:07

WickedlyCharmed · 05/01/2025 20:03

Why ask your children, then ignore their wishes?

Sounds like your children have the measure of him, far more than you have. It seems you want contact with him for you, rather than for them.

for me? in what way? i wouldn't force them to do anything they didn't want to do but i do absolutely believe kids need a father despite what people say, so no it isn't "for me"

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberryvolvic · 05/01/2025 20:07

OurDreamLife · 05/01/2025 20:06

Is he going to walk in and out and disappear all over again?

that's what put me off back then as he has done it often since we split but we won't know till we try

OP posts:
MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 05/01/2025 20:08

OP, you asked your children, and they've clearly got the measure of him, so why risk subjecting them to being let down again, when they've already said they don't want that? It does sound a bit like YOU want him back in your lives.

Original poster
strawberryvolvic · 05/01/2025 20:09

MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 05/01/2025 20:08

OP, you asked your children, and they've clearly got the measure of him, so why risk subjecting them to being let down again, when they've already said they don't want that? It does sound a bit like YOU want him back in your lives.

yeah sure i do

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberryvolvic · 05/01/2025 20:12

heaven forbid wanting a man to actually take responsibility for the children he created 🙄

OP posts:
FoxInTheForest · 05/01/2025 20:12

If you do I would set a manageable amount by his standards. So maybe say one day every month or 2 initially and see how it goes with a conversation about occasionally seeing him, with the emphasis on occasionally. I definitely wouldn't start weekly contact as it sets the kids up to be disappointed when it stops again.

Original poster
strawberryvolvic · 05/01/2025 20:14

FoxInTheForest · 05/01/2025 20:12

If you do I would set a manageable amount by his standards. So maybe say one day every month or 2 initially and see how it goes with a conversation about occasionally seeing him, with the emphasis on occasionally. I definitely wouldn't start weekly contact as it sets the kids up to be disappointed when it stops again.

they've never seen him weekly it was only ever every few months. he has never had them overnight or saw them weekly. so that would be what it was before.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 05/01/2025 20:14

The pain of a parent waltzing in and out of your life is unbearable.

It feels like you're doing this to say you tried, rather than listening to your children. If he really wanted contact you'd have had a solicitor letter by now.

MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 05/01/2025 20:16

Your response to my post was obviously sarcastic OP, but if your children have said no, then why else would you be reconsidering it? It doesn't make sense.

PrettyPines · 05/01/2025 20:16

I wouldn't say you're being unreasonable as such, of course he should be in their lives. I doubt you'd get any level of consistency from him and your children have made it clear they don't want that so I wouldn't.
If he wanted to be consistent he would've persisted with you to see them because he cares about them.

theduchessofspork · 05/01/2025 20:17

I don’t think you can tell him the kids will see him - the older two can decide for themselves.

You could ask him to explain why it’ll be different this time, and if you believe him, then suggest it to the kids.

But if you said no in the summer and he went away with no argument, I suspect he may not have changed all that much

Bootychoice · 05/01/2025 20:17

I wouldn't bother. He didn't reach out at Christmas, which is a time for family. Focus on building something strong and consistent for DC rather than allow their father to let them down again

sometimesmovingforwards · 05/01/2025 20:17

Sounds like an utter waste of space.
I see no upside for your children to start a relationship with him now.

theduchessofspork · 05/01/2025 20:18

strawberryvolvic · 05/01/2025 20:12

heaven forbid wanting a man to actually take responsibility for the children he created 🙄

Everyone wants that, some PPs are just doubting that he does, and if all contacting him will do is subject them to being let down again.

Original poster
strawberryvolvic · 05/01/2025 20:20

no they are doubting that they are saying i want him back in MY life. no i want my children to have a father and family and i want the father of my children to step up. i have no family of my own so they only have me. they need other people in their lives and if he is wanting to step up now then i am considering that just don't know how best to make contact now

OP posts:
rwalker · 05/01/2025 20:23

It’s about managing expectations and been realistic
I wouldn’t go any further than a catch up say a pub lunch or something
no talk of regular contact
and depends on if the kids want to go

Endofyear · 05/01/2025 22:24

The best predictor of his future behaviour is his past behaviour - he has been unreliable up until now so what makes you think he'll have changed? Your children have told you what they think - I think you should listen to them. If they express an interest in seeing him again, then I would contact him. Otherwise I would leave things as they are.

2025willbemytime · 05/01/2025 22:26

strawberryvolvic · 05/01/2025 20:07

for me? in what way? i wouldn't force them to do anything they didn't want to do but i do absolutely believe kids need a father despite what people say, so no it isn't "for me"

Show quote history

Kids do better with a non existent dad than one that pops in and out inconsistently.

Original poster
strawberryvolvic · 05/01/2025 22:28

I had an absent father, i wouldn't say it's "better" just different but equally shit.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread