Overbearing parents, adult child and a car

[BettyBettyBoop]

Hi all,
First time poster, looking for a bit of perspective please.
I am 37 and my DP is 34, together 6 years, house and mortgage, not yet married and no children as yet. He drives (this will be relevant!) and I don’t due to a medical condition.

I grew up with very anxious and overbearing parents. I thought this would have lessened when I moved away from my home city at aged 31, and to a certain degree it did.

My DP decided to buy, and in my opinion, a highly impractical car (think a fiat 500 type size) 3 years ago. He did discuss with me, but only briefly, as his mind was already made up and I stood very little chance of changing it. He’s very much of a character of once his mind is made up, that’s it. He knew I wasn’t fully on board with his decision, but he is the one who drives, he was paying for it, so pretty much that was that.

When we told my parents about the new car, they went nuclear. I had my mother (a woman in her 60s) screaming (not an exaggeration) at me down the phone how on earth could we have decided on a such small car like this, they are so unsafe, only have a safety rating of 3+ stars, if another car hits you you’ll be killed etc etc. My dad was also beside himself with worry. Their stoic belief is the bigger the car, the safer it is.

This has been a bone of contention for the last few years and come up in argument form with my parents at least a couple of times a year, why haven’t we changed the car, don’t they know how much anxiety is causes them etc.

This has come to a head now, as we are taking this car abroad this year on a short holiday to France, and once again, I have had hysteria from my parents as to what we are doing. I wanted to not tell my parents our travel plans and tell a white lie that we were going to fly, but my DP said (and rightly so in my opinion) you’re almost 40 you shouldn’t have to lie to your parents about something like this. We had to tell them about going away as they are the ones that come over to feed out cats. I wish now I had either lied to them or decided to put the cats in a cattery for the week!

AIBU for not wanting to be treated like this? I feel like they are treating me like a child. Can anyone offer any advice as to how to handle this with my parents? Their behaviour does make me worry going forward with us wanting to have a family, and their reaction to things that they may not agree with.

You either remind them, repeatedly if necessary, that you and your DP are both fully grown adults who can make their own decisions and will ask for advice if you need it, or you just reduce contact and heavily reduce information flow so they can't interfere. Yes, a cattery or another cat sitter might be a good idea next time.

I spent a large chunk of my life living on the other side of world from my over-anxious mother, which made life much more relaxing for me.

Minimise contact with them and make sure you never rely on them for anything.

You are not BU. It's not your parents' car and they can't tell your DP which car he spends his money on.

That said, I pay attention to a car's safety rating and might worry a bit over a 3 star NCAP rating, but say nothing.🤐

Mine has 5 stars and class leading lights, which is what I decided was most important for me. While I understand your parents' pov, they need to accept that you are adults and capable of making your own decisions.

Yes it’s a big reaction and whilst it is up to you both as adults, you know that they’re right about the car’s safety rating. You’d have preferred to have some input as you share use of the car but I can see you being stuck with it because they’re overstepping now.

You need to tell them firmly that you're not discussing it any more. Then if they bring it up again, get up and leave or end the phone call or whatever. They need to understand that you will not argue the point, placate them or enter into any discussion about it. Be calm but be firm and be prepared to persist.

Thanks all for your replies. Agree with all the points you've raised, yes in an ideal world DP wouldn't have bought a car with a 3+ safety rating, but this was the one he wanted. My mother even screamed at me why didn't I stop him from buying it- I can't stop a man in his 30s doing anything. Usually I would have matched my mother on the shouting front, but I remained very calm, repeated that whilst I understand their concerns, it's not their place to be telling two grown adults what we should/shouldn't be doing.

When my mother was screaming at me down the phone, I should have hung up, and my DP likened it to a small child having a tantrum because they weren't getting their own way.

They do both seem to struggle to regulate their emotions, and have always insisted on telling both myself and my sister any anxious thought they have regarding our life choices and give constant unsolicited advice under the guise of "we are your parents, we will tell you anything we damn well please". They live quiet a solitary insular life, not much of a social life or friends, so I do worry that they end up in an echo chamber with each other, and that they only have myself and my sister to focus all their attention/thought on.

You're a grown adult you don't need to tolerate ANYONE screaming at you. Just hang up next time. And repeat over and over and over until they learn how to communicate like actual human beings. Otherwise by allowing them to scream at you, you're effectively condoning their behaviour.
I grew up with this kind of thing and now I'm an independent adult I won't stand for it.

OP, you have to stand up to your parents. They are being ridiculous. The car is perfectly safe, and will be really practical for manoeuvring around small French towns, parking etc.
But, ultimately, it is none of their business.
You just need to stop telling them things about your life, reduce contact etc, and if they shriek at you down the phone, simply hang up. They have no right to treat you this way.

This OP.
My mother is highly anxious and would be exactly like this. She'd be worried about driving, full stop.
But I'm now abroad and have reduced contact considerably since her starting on me gives me anxiety.
I've been so firm about that, that when I got myself a motorbike (!) she didn't dare say anything about it!!😁

Minimise contact with these crazy people. And stop relying on them for anything, including feeding your cats when you go away.

OP you are very grown up now. You do not need to listen to anyone screaming at you. Let alone lecture you on a purchase which was not your decision and not your purchase.

Minimise contact now as it is only going to get worse as they get older.

My parents also have no friends or interests and live in their own echo chamber. So I have some insights. I moved abroad for a while. It helped immensely. I rarely see them nor speak to them now and that works well for me

Definitely try going NC or LC (look up narcissistic parents on here for inspiration)

I agree with both

You either remind them, repeatedly if necessary, that you and your DP are both fully grown adults who can make their own decisions and will ask for advice if you need it, or you just reduce contact and heavily reduce information flow so they can't interfere. Yes, a cattery or another cat sitter might be a good idea next time.

and

You're a grown adult you don't need to tolerate ANYONE screaming at you. Just hang up next time. And repeat over and over and over until they learn how to communicate like actual human beings. Otherwise by allowing them to scream at you, you're effectively condoning their behaviour.

I presume this is easier for all of us to say, than for you to do, if you have grown up with this level of interference in your life, but, remember - you managed to move away, so you can do this too.

Restrict the information you tell them, and keep repeating the mantra "I was just telling you, not asking advice. When I need advice, I will ask you."

Honestly? Your parents sound completely fucking nuts. The whole dynamic is incredibly weird and dysfunctional and if I were in your shoes I would be distancing myself from them, possibly even entirely.

I'd also add that given your DP is the one who drives and pays for the car, it is indeed entirely up to him to choose whatever car he want. I can't drive and I wouldn't expect to have any say whatsoever in my DP's choice of car. His car. His money. His choice. I haven't got a fucking clue what DP's car's safety rating is and I wouldn't even try to talk him out buying whatever car he preferred.

This.

It was going anywhere with my DP - and it was their anxiety causing it. Only me my siblings and their kids were fine us doing anything was wrong.

I also try minimising information - so not lying about driving but not getting drawn into conversation about how you get there let them assume what they want.

It took time but worked - got to point they could be told things without starting them off.

I agree the whole dynamic is completely abnormal, but they genuinely believe that they are doing nothing wrong and are entitled to say whatever they want to myself and my sister. They seem completely incapable of keeping any anxious thought they have to themselves, and push these on to myself and my sister.
Also agree with all the points about not relying on them, and we won't be in the future.

Going forward, I would limit the information I share with them. I would also book a cat sitter.

You are an adult. You are entitled to live your life as you choose. If your parents can't accept that then you need to limit or cut contact. If it's bad now it will get worse as they age.

You need this thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5233578-december-2024-but-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

I wish I had had access to it in my 20s and 30s, it might have prevented most of my 40s still being subjected to batshittery like this breaking my mental health. Atilla the Meerkat is brilliant on there and will refer you to helpful books, and remind you that you are an adult and that you need to go v low contact in these sort of circumstances x

Any mention of the car you hang up. Every time.