I feel hurt by this - AIBU?

[Hhhhhht]

So before Christmas my husband suggests we have our own dinner , me cook and it be us 4 (us and our 2 kids)

I mentioned to my family and there was uproar. They flipped and were not happy with me as I’d be to them for all the years prior

we didn’t speak for a bit then calmed and we’ve all been fine. I had my small Christmas and everything seems okay (family were invited round to see the kids btw we didn’t stop people! Just said how the kids wanted to sty and play with their toys which they did)

I find out very recently that my sister who I class as my best friend has said I am inconsiderate, selfish and play the victim? When I initially told them the plans she’d said all of this about me. I didn’t really expect that from her and I’m a bit hurt by it

The reason my family wasn’t hsppy was because we’d done Christmas together since I was a child. They insisted I didn’t like the idea and i was just being led

they're projecting their feelings about christmas and how "it should be" on to you.
You've done nothing wrong.
I recommend reading the book Let Them, video here. I found her Oprah interview before christmas and it's so inspiring.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=atkGprznf2w&pp=ygUPbGV0IHRoZW0gdGhlb3J5

I find out very recently

From who?

Another family member who told me on NYE while a bit tipsy. The one she said it to

They even went as far to say it’s my husbands fault he’s manipulative and he’s withdrawing me from my family

Shit like this is some of the reason I don't do Christmas. I can't be arsed with the dramatic nonsense that goes with it, that and it's commercialised bullshit.

It’s sad because I love Christmas and I have 2 young kids so it’s so magical!

im shocked my sister even thought these things about me over something like this

Sorry but the one being selfish is your mum! She needs to realise you are not a little girl anymore. You are a woman with your own children. The children come first. If you and they all want to be at home for Christmas then you should . She needs to learn to let go!

Do you think your husband is manipulative and controlling? Are there other instances of this kind of behaviour?
Or is it the simple fact that he wants to start a family Christmas meal tradition of his own?

No not at all the situation really went

me: our new dining table is arriving on friday
DH: why don’t we have our own Christmas dinner this year? Our first since we had the kids

and I really liked the idea! X

@Hhhhhht Well in that case then, your family are being unreasonable! I think it was nice that he wanted his own little family Christmas and I hope you all had a lovely time! x

They sound like the controlling ones and it’s because they don’t see you as a person with opinions and a mind of your own that they assume that you must be being controlled by your husband. And they’re not concerned about you - they’re just pissed off that he gets to control you, not them.

I can see both sides to this.
I would be a bit hurt if my sister decided to no longer spend Christmas with us, if that is something we’ve always done. Especially if it was a last minute decision and she’d never mentioned wanting to do it with her own family before. But I can also see how this happened (new dining table, own family..). Did you get together for lunch or dinner with your sister and parents on another day? How do you normally feel about Christmas with your family? What does your husbsnd’s fsmily do at Christmas? Does he maybe feel overwhelmed by your family?

there is another aspect you need to consider: as someone else told you you sister supposedly said this, how sure are you these are her actual words, or that she said it at all?

She probably said it in the heat of the moment when she was disappointed that you wouldn't be around Christmas day. I wouldn't read too much into it

Do you spend every Christmas with your family and what happens with dh's family?

Sounds like a crazy reaction from them. It's completely normal for people to change how they spend Christmas over the years - especially when they have their own family and kids. It's exactly what happened with me and my siblings once our kids got to that age where they just wanted to play with their toys. The big family get together just moved to Boxing Day.

You’re allowed to spend Christmas however you want.

How far in advance did you tell them your plans?

Few weeks in advance discussion about a different approach to Christmas, no problem at all.

Couple of days before when everyone assumed you were all going to your mums, and she'd bought food and planned on the basis of an extra four people. Can understand why your family would be upset

I think that’s fair.

Starting anew has hit the nail on the head I think. My (very controlling DM) would constantly blame my behaviour on my DH or friends. You’re an adult and can do what you want to do, whatever makes YOU happy (that will usually involve considering others feelings a bit too because if they’re sad you might be too. In this case sounds like they were the unreasonable ones).

So I’ll just bullet point to answer some Q’s!

• i told them just before Halloween so the end of October!
• on Christmas Day we did see them, our house is too small to host but I mentioned how we would still see them and they’d still see my kids
• I did try to drop it gently but they said it was inconsiderate regardless
• we used to alternate Christmas dinner at my mums or DH’s mums, but we got a new dining table which sparked the idea with DH. DH’s mum was fine with us not going ! His dad visited us to see the kids (mum and dad separated)

YANBU at all. You are in no way obliged to have a 'big' Christmas just because that's what the rest of your family want. You and your husband and kids are your own family unit and it's totally normal and OK to want a Christmas dinner with just the four of you. As you say - it wasn't as if you weren't seeing the rest of the family. Your sister is being a complete dick.

YANBU.
Live the way YOU want, if someone doesn't like it, they don't have to have their faces in yours.
Simple.

Well if you consider your sister your best friend then surely you can sit her down and talk to her about this? I could never have Xmas alone as my DM and MIL are both on their own but if you are lucky enough to go elsewhere every year and celebrate with family then I don’t see why you can’t have a year off. I swear Xmas brings out the worst in people. I could understand the issues if you usually host and you are leaving them to make other plans but you said you always go to them so it shouldn’t matter? As the only host for the last 18 years the one year I suggested I didn’t want to cook caused chaos.