At crunch point with DP since Boxing Day
Summary:
Together 5 yrs, lived together for 4yrs.
My DD (12) with us full time (recently diagnosed ASD)
His DD’s (10 & 8) are here us EoW & one night in the week (will be increasing by another night soon) One has severe anxiety and behavioural problems, the other undiagnosed but very obvious ADHD.
Difficult relationship with his ExW.
DP has suffered with mental health issues and diagnosed ADHD earlier this year and is on meds for this. I had MH issues during pandemic and recovered and have been OK for 3+ yrs.
DP has anger management problems - shouts, loses his temper with me/the kids, has a view on how everything ‘should’ be, has broken things in anger, drives scarily, finger jabs in my face and gets right in my face while shouting. In front of kids at times. I’m so ground down by it. For years I’ve expressed how I cannot cope with it. The frequency of outbursts have decreased but it’s still there rumbling as an undercurrent. He has huge resentments about early days when i wasn’t well and the fact we don’t have much sex.
I have basically zero libido the last 18 months, I think mostly due to the stress but am doing solo therapy for this now and also checking for any medical issues. DP says this has contributed to his anger massively.
My DD asked if we were gonna break up, I said it was tough right now and we were working on things. She said she’d be upset but that she’d be okay with it if we did.
I find step parenting v v draining, stressful and exhausting and we didn’t do a good job of setting the foundations when we first got together on this. His DC are hard work and my DD needs me more & more as she is struggling in secondary school.
Came to the end of my tether at Xmas and on Boxing Day just said I couldn’t do it anymore.
Have been in limbo since. Have found a rental property me & DD could move to. Ticks every box, have a viewing Tues. But I feel so desperately sad because if you removed all the external stressors, DP & I would have a very happy relationship.
I want peace and calm. I don’t care if the grass is greener or not, at least I know it’ll be bog standard grass.
DP has bought a book on anger management and wants to rengage in counselling together (we did three sessions pre Xmas after me asking to do it for 12+ months). And says it’s worth a go cos we could be happy.
I just feel absolutely at the end of my tether and a bit cheesed off I’ve been explaining my unhappiness for a long while and only when I say I’m gonna leave does it feel like he wants to seriously change.
Sorry it’s an essay and thank you if you got this far.
Am I unreasonable to say I don’t even want to try. I feel like I have zero bandwidth or energy to do it. Wish I did.
Also feel I’ve put time pressure on myself now because it’s so rare to find good rental properties in our area and this house really does tick all the boxes.
I suggested me and DD move out and we try to make it work living apart, this idea was quickly rebutted but the more I think about it the more I think it could be an option but maybe I’m deluded. I can’t force him if it doesn’t work for him.
Some moments I feel desperately sad and I have love for him and the kids and such sadness for the situation and in reality if we could make it work our life would be so great . Other moments I just read back all the things I’ve written down over the last week and think it’s madness to think it’ll really ever be perfect. Usually feels so logical when I’m not with him. Then when I’m back home and we talk about it I doubt everything I’m thinking.