To think of living apart but staying together

[PeppyPanda]

At crunch point with DP since Boxing Day

Summary:

Together 5 yrs, lived together for 4yrs.
My DD (12) with us full time (recently diagnosed ASD)
His DD’s (10 & 8) are here us EoW & one night in the week (will be increasing by another night soon) One has severe anxiety and behavioural problems, the other undiagnosed but very obvious ADHD.
Difficult relationship with his ExW.

DP has suffered with mental health issues and diagnosed ADHD earlier this year and is on meds for this. I had MH issues during pandemic and recovered and have been OK for 3+ yrs.

DP has anger management problems - shouts, loses his temper with me/the kids, has a view on how everything ‘should’ be, has broken things in anger, drives scarily, finger jabs in my face and gets right in my face while shouting. In front of kids at times. I’m so ground down by it. For years I’ve expressed how I cannot cope with it. The frequency of outbursts have decreased but it’s still there rumbling as an undercurrent. He has huge resentments about early days when i wasn’t well and the fact we don’t have much sex.

I have basically zero libido the last 18 months, I think mostly due to the stress but am doing solo therapy for this now and also checking for any medical issues. DP says this has contributed to his anger massively.

My DD asked if we were gonna break up, I said it was tough right now and we were working on things. She said she’d be upset but that she’d be okay with it if we did.

I find step parenting v v draining, stressful and exhausting and we didn’t do a good job of setting the foundations when we first got together on this. His DC are hard work and my DD needs me more & more as she is struggling in secondary school.

Came to the end of my tether at Xmas and on Boxing Day just said I couldn’t do it anymore.

Have been in limbo since. Have found a rental property me & DD could move to. Ticks every box, have a viewing Tues. But I feel so desperately sad because if you removed all the external stressors, DP & I would have a very happy relationship.

I want peace and calm. I don’t care if the grass is greener or not, at least I know it’ll be bog standard grass.

DP has bought a book on anger management and wants to rengage in counselling together (we did three sessions pre Xmas after me asking to do it for 12+ months). And says it’s worth a go cos we could be happy.

I just feel absolutely at the end of my tether and a bit cheesed off I’ve been explaining my unhappiness for a long while and only when I say I’m gonna leave does it feel like he wants to seriously change.

Sorry it’s an essay and thank you if you got this far.

Am I unreasonable to say I don’t even want to try. I feel like I have zero bandwidth or energy to do it. Wish I did.

Also feel I’ve put time pressure on myself now because it’s so rare to find good rental properties in our area and this house really does tick all the boxes.

I suggested me and DD move out and we try to make it work living apart, this idea was quickly rebutted but the more I think about it the more I think it could be an option but maybe I’m deluded. I can’t force him if it doesn’t work for him.

Some moments I feel desperately sad and I have love for him and the kids and such sadness for the situation and in reality if we could make it work our life would be so great . Other moments I just read back all the things I’ve written down over the last week and think it’s madness to think it’ll really ever be perfect. Usually feels so logical when I’m not with him. Then when I’m back home and we talk about it I doubt everything I’m thinking.

YABU for continuing the relationship - get out! If you need to pretend it’s being together / living separately to make it safer for you in the getting out transition, do that.

Sorry but your dp is the main problem here and not his dc. Yes step parenting is hard (been there and eventually couldn’t cope). You need to put your DD’s needs first and I think the best way to do this is to live separately.

He sounds like a dangerous , abusive asshole . I'd be leaving ASAP, your poor dd shouldn't have to put up with that

The red flag bit for me is this: "I have basically zero libido the last 18 months... DP says this has contributed to his anger massively." Do you hear how that sounds?

It sounds to me like you need to, and should, move out. Do that, and then see where you are with the relationship. It seems to me that the moving out is more important right now than whether the relationship survives or ends.

Definitely, definitely take the rental property. Your DD has basically said to you she's had enough, too! I think she sees clearer than you that this relationship is not good. But I think once you have some space, you will see it too.

It's a perfectly sensible workable solution to step-parenting difficulties in good relationships, so don't let him make you doubt yourself. But more importantly, from the sound of it, it's right for you.

He’s abusive. Leave him. Your poor DD - you’re doing her massive harm by staying in this relationship seeing her mum being abused. Do you want her to think that’s a normal way for men to treat women? Leave him for her sake if not your own.

I suggest leaving this aggressive wanker completely.

Life is full of stress. If it's not one thing it's another... there will always be something with this man. Don't kid yourself that it's just a hard time. Life is often hard.

Am I unreasonable to say I don’t even want to try. I feel like I have zero bandwidth or energy to do it.

I'm guessing you have tried and tried before so no, YANBU. If you can move out, bloody do it. You cant stay and solve everyone's problems for them. It sounds awful

YABU to have allowed your daughter to live with this aggressive man for so long. This would be classed as DV if she told anyone at school.
We all have many stressors in our lives and not once have my husband or I behaved in anyway like your partner.
Step up as a parent and get out

Didnt expect quite such a consensus!

It doesn’t feel like intentional abuse.
It feels like emotional immaturity / inability to control anger.
But either way it’s exhausting and you are so right I do NOT want to show my DD this is what to expect in a relationship.

Someone asked if he can control his anger in other situs. Interesting thought - I’d say yes with work. But he doesn’t care that much about work I don’t think.
He’ll be angry/irrational/righteous with call centre ppl/shop workers etc which is mortifying but not to the levels I see at home. I think he can hold it together but doesn’t make as much effort to at home.

I will def go to the viewing on Tues and almost feel like if it all works out then its decision made I guess. I hope they aren’t put off that it’ll be one income. But I can afford it without issue. So I hope the landlord can appreciate that.

Dont want to be too outing but the house is his and we are not too entangled financially. I earn well and can support me & DD. I wouldn’t be able to save much but we’d be fine. We’d miss out on an especially good lifestyle here but then it all feels false so what’s the point.

It’s not 100% awful and it’s sad to think of the fun times we’ve had with the kids altogether and holidays but it’s the undercurrent of shit I can’t cope with. To everyone else we look so good.

I can be pretty difficult to live with but I think it’s just a toxic cycle and I do doubt my own head and thoughts. Which is madness as I know I’m capable and strong. It was DD & me against the world for years and now I’m feeling so stuck here, I feel cross with myself.

Absolutely 💯 Lundy Bancroft talks about this a lot. Domestic abuse is a choice. OP, does your partner shout at his boss, his Mum etc? I'm guessing probably not. He chooses to become aggressive towards you

THIS

YABU to even contemplate staying together. He sounds awful and what an environment for your DC to endure. Get rid.

This relationship isn't a good model for your daughter. If she has asd understanding communication is often harder and this will make it more confusing for her. We often repeat the types of relationships we were modeled. It will also be healthy for her to have a quiet place to unwind after school without the the disturbances of every member of her step family. You will both be massively better off.

I would dump him, not just move out. He's risking your lives in the car bc he's not getting paid enough? Screw that.

DP has anger management problems - shouts, loses his temper with me/the kids, has a view on how everything ‘should’ be, has broken things in anger, drives scarily, finger jabs in my face and gets right in my face while shouting. In front of kids at times.
If my child’s other parent was OK with them living like this, I would spend every penny I had to make sure she was living with me full time, and that you only had supervised access.

Your partner is a cunt. He is an adult and is expected to be able to cope with life being hard sometimes. Him thinking “if only there were no stressors” is ridiculous. There will always be stressors, and his too little too late buying a book is derisory.

But I feel so desperately sad because if you removed all the external stressors, DP & I would have a very happy relationship.

Tbh Life is rarely without 'external stressors' - be it kids with additional needs, money, job stress, health stress, noisy neighbours, toxic parents etc. If DP can't handle the reality of your life together, there's little to be gained by continuing....

I don't think you realise just how toxic it is and how much happier and stronger you will be once you have left.

You could say that you need a couple of months break before you will consider returning to counselling.

Sorry above should be *laid enough, damn autocorrect.

I'm not surprised you have zero libido.
He's causing it, and you're having therapy?!
I know life is not that simple, but can you see how messed up your thinking is, again caused by him.
I think you need to get rid and go and live a happier life with your daughter
Good luck.

Based on what you've said I'd be splitting up
permanently and focusing on your daughter. It doesn't sound healthy.

You need to leave. Your suggestion of moving out with your daughter, was a good one. The fact that he didn't agree is irrelevant - you need to do what is best for your child. If you wanted to, you could then work on the relationship while living apart, although his anger issues would make me run in the other direction and I think you would be a fool to consider staying in this mess of a relationship. Toxic doesn't even come close. You can't save his girls but you have a responsibility to protect your own daughter from this.

Leave the cunt and don’t look back.

I would move out. I am guessing he is rebutting the idea of “staying together but living apart” as he is hoping that will sway you to stay (and help take care of his kids).

Otherwise, why wouldn’t he give it a go and see what happens?

You moved in after a year of being together, way too soon, especially when you have DC. It's good you can afford to live alone. What a stupid twat to 'not agree' to you moving out, it's his place, you can walk out the door whenever you want.
He's worried about losing his live in housekeeper.

has broken things in anger, drives scarily, finger jabs in my face and gets right in my face while shouting. In front of kids at times.

You say it's not intentional. But do you recognise that it IS abusive?

Because this is abusive.