To feel I can't cope anymore m

[Tootiredmummyof3]

I expect I'll get absolutely slated for this thread but maybe I need to hear it. I'm so tired, as my username probably suggests.
I can't take this parenting anymore. I know I have to but it honestly feels like it's killing me. My older two are generally okay and no real issues, aside normal teenage attitude but my DS, who I love to bits is such hard work.
It's not his fault, he has additional needs and physically is older than 4 but mentally/socially/emotionally is between 18 and 24 months. He was doing 2 hours a day at school last term but they have changed it to 90 minutes this term as he wasn't coping.
The house is an absolute tip. Even when I get 10 minutes to myself to clean it's destroyed within minutes. Washing basket is overflowing and no time to do anything.
I want a break so much but family are unable/unwilling and friends say they will but always bail and tbh I'm not sure they could handle him for very long.
He's non verbal, still in nappies, no awareness of danger, climbs on everything and I mean everything, pulls things off shelves and when he runs he is fast. And as for sleep...
I've only been able to write this now as DH has taken him out but he only takes him out for an absolute maximum of 30 minutes. He's back to work Monday so it will all be on me again. Getting him up, getting him ready for school, getting him to school only to be back there a few minutes later. Getting DS out for fresh air, doctor's appointments (for me and him), shopping is all on me.
DH doesn't really help much but he doesn't get how hard it is day in day out he says he does but he doesn't. He's at work all week and does his hobby most of Saturday so he doesn't see the endless work
I just can't do it anymore. I'm tired and stressed out. It's just too much.
I really think DS deserves better than this. And my older two are barely at home these days so don't get any quality time. I need a break but when I say anything to DH he says you have to keep going. I do but feel on the verge of a breakdown or collapsing with exhaustion

I’m sorry you’re struggling OP, you need a break. Is your husband off work today? If so, put your coat on and just go. Go to a cafe and get yourself a nice hot drink/snack, or even just grab yourself a snack and sit in the car round the corner.

Want to acknowledge your post and the physical & emotional load you carry
Changes. Your DH step up, decrease his hobby time. Give you some support and you time. He cannot spend most of his Saturday on hobbies whilst you do daily tasks
Have you had a local authority assessment for support eg a domestic care package for chores , shopping etc
Have you had a carer assessment from local authority?if not request one

This. Your DH needs to pull his weight.

OP of course you can't cope, no one could. Your local authority must arrange respite care, please call tomorrow. And also go to your GP and school to martial support. And anyone who comes on here and slates you can get in the bin.

Have you explored residential care?
It's a long wait, spaces are criminally few but it could help to get the ball rolling.
I'm assuming he's in a special school.
Do they have any respite care attached? We have houses on site for specific learners.

A part time time table is only supposed to be a short term solution. What's the long term plan for increasing his hours?

You need support and respite both from your husband and social services

This is a useful starter for the types of support and organisations you need to speak with

https://www.mencap.org.uk/advice-and-support/social-care/childrens-social-care/support-parents-and-carers-children-and-young

Please also go to your GP and let them know you are struggling.

Some excellent advice here already. I'd add, look at what you can outsource. Shopping, go online and have it delivered. Can you afford a cleaner?
I'd also consider limiting DS to certain rooms and make those more suited (eg get rid of bookshelves etc) so that you feel less like a hurricane is passing through the house every day.
You need to regain so time for you somehow.

A snack in a coffee shop is a very very small start. DH needs to cut his hours longer term unless he wants you to be burnt out and then he's going to need to give up work altogether. Do you get PIP for DS? Use that to buy help, get a cleaner, pay for laundry services. Access all the charities and call the helplines, perhaps there's a group available he can attend? Or someone locally who's trained who would have him for an afternoon a week?

You need longer term support, big changes and a financial hit are worth it for your sanity. You're not a shit mother, or a weak person, you are doing more than most people could handle.

Ring the duty sw team today - tell them you cannot cope and you are at breaking point

They can provide respite but they won’t if you don’t push for it

Threaten to hand your child over and they will c&:p themselves because they know his care would cost at least 100k a year!

And how can school say he isn’t coping? Tough luck they need to find a school that can meet his needs then

DS and DH are back now so I'll read and reply properly later but thank you for the responses so far .

I'm not surprised you're at the end of your tether - completely understandable and something's got to change. I definitely would phone the duty social work team - tell them you can't cope any longer and ask for support. I guess the hard question is whether you would prefer him to go into residential care, should there be any places available? Definitely get your GP and the school involved and hopefully there can be a multi-disciplinary case conference with GP,school and social services. You've been an absolute hero - OP - but you have to think of yourself and your other children.

Why is dh doing a hobbie all day Saturday when you are at the end of your rope ? Tell him this no longer works for you and you need him to help at weekends. If you end up in hospital it’s all going to be on him, so he needs to step up.

No assessment have been done yet apart from the one for his EHCP. Respite care would be wonderful but I don't think DS would be able to cope as he doesn't cope with new situations or people very well. He's way too young for residential care (4) and I wouldn't want that anyway.
In regards to school he's at mainstream but am fighting with LA to get him a specialised school which I know would be better suited.
I'm just so tired. DH doesn't listen when I tell him how I feel. He doesn't want SS involved. His excuse for Saturday is that it's his downtime. I apparently get my downtime when DS is at school for an hour..
I suppose I feel under valued and I feel horrible that all I wanted was to be a SAHM (like I was when my teenagers were little) but yet I can't cope. Everything is a fight or struggle. I don't feel I can ever relax I always feel on edge. There have been (thankfully very few) accidents that DS has had and DH tells me off and says I'm not paying enough attention to DS but at the same time doesn't seem to want to help me.

Your husband reminds me of Julia's husband in motherland.

Useless sack of shit masquerading as a dad.

You need to spell it out to him in words of one syllable that you are on the edge of burning out. If you burn out, the whole sodding ship goes down.

If i were you and wanted to get my point across, id be up and out on Saturday before he leaves for his hobby. Don't tell him till after you've gone, just go out for the day, anywhere, and leave him to see a snapshot of your life. Your child will be safe with his dad, and you'll get a day off downtime that your dh acknowledges is necessary but only when it's his.

Your husband is being seriously unsupportive. I suggest that Sunday becomes your day. Find a hobby that takes you away for the day (or even just go and sit in a coffee shop!) and leave your son with daddy for the day. It’s the only way he’ll appreciate what you go through, day in and day out. I feel for you. I hope he gets a place in a specialist school as it sounds like he’s in the wrong place right now. He needs to be in school full time. Good luck 💐

You need to force the school into telling the LA they can't meet his needs.
How long has he been on a pt timetable?
When does he turn 5?

School are totally on board, have been really good tbf. They have told LA school isn't suitable for DS and helped me appeal so I know they are supporting me from that point of view. I think I might feel less on edge if he was in school all day but I actually know he can't do that (not at current school anyway). He's not 5 until the summer. I wanted him to stay at nursery until Easter but the nursery wouldn't let me. I think if he was still in nursery we might have stood a better chance getting him in to special school but who knows.

Op there are foster carers who do respite care so your son wouldn’t have to go into residential necessarily

Also have you looked into self directed support for your son? He would certainly be eligible for that but again you do need an assessment

SS are one of your best hopes for all sorts of reasons - they can refer your son to special play schemes in the school holidays for example

Cutting them out will harm your chances of finding out what help is out there for your son - local child and parent support groups etc

@Tootiredmummyof3

You need to get your DS assessed and diagnosed for ASD/GDD whatever he might be. This is your pathway for him getting help with his education and possible respite also child disability payment. What do you mean by the assessment only for EHCP?Who assessed him?

Are you getting any support from any organisations? There’s lots of local fb support groups led by parents- this is a fantastic hub for information and how to manage.

Contact GP and ask for melatonine for sleep.

I’m looking at your post and see what you and your DH „don’t want”.
With all respect,this is not about what you both want,it’s about what your DS needs.

I don’t know whereabouts in the country you are but placements in specialist schools where I am are very rare. Are you in Scotland by any chance?LA put the kids in mainstream wherever they can. Sometimes you have to fight for suitable education for your child but you’ll get absolutely nowhere without paperwork stating his disability (because that’s what it is).

I would also contact his school and ask how they are going to fulfill your DS’s educational needs seeing as they are failing him at the moment.

Lastly- your „D”H needs a swift kick up his arse. Bringing up a hyperactive child with ASD is not a walk in the park. He just doesn’t want to do it.Funnily enough he’s only able to manage DS for 30 minutes yet he tells you you need to carry on whole day and the weekend?
What is he doing on Sunday? If Saturday is swallowed by his hobby then at least part of Sunday should be your leisure time.

Your DH needs to pull his finger out and manage the housekeeping as well- he also lives there.

Good luck 💐

He was assessed by educational psychologist and social care worker for EHCP. He is being assessed for autism, paediatric doctor is hopeful of getting a diagnosis in April.
We're in England and I know it's really hard to get a place in special school but current school is mainstream and they obviously don't have the specialist skills. I do have regular meetings with them to try and push for more hours but last term it was a disaster and DS just couldn't cope. It's too loud and busy for him even with ear defenders.
He does get DLA , which helps. I really don't think residential care is right for him. It's not just because I don't want him to go it's because I don't think it's right for him.

Was in exactly your position op. Mine never slept from day dot so we were both already exhausted all the time, then came to three/four and my god I thought between the lack of sleep and destructive behaviour I was going to lose the plot. Also had to go into mainstream due to the ridiculous wait for a diagnosis and EHCP (was the start of lockdown when it became obvious he had additional needs/asd).

However, a few months ago he was prescribed melatonin and medicated for ADHD. I’m not saying he’s a ‘new child’, but he’s sleeping far better (on the nights he has the melatonin), and the adhd medication helps him regulate. He’s gone from a child who needed very high educational support to one who may not need SN school in the immediate future. Oh, and I also separated from his dad, now one night a week he has the kids and I get ‘me time’. It’s worth far more than any respite (though I absolutely appreciate that my relationship circumstances were possible far beyond repair to come to this point!).

OK so it looks like diagnosis path is moving in the right direction.

Please contact GP and ask for melatonin.
Support groups online are also very helpful, they come up with very helpful suggestion.

I’m not saying he needs residential care OP,I wouldn’t want that myself. I was talking about respite- a break for you for a few hours so you could catch your breath.

You still don’t say anything about your H, why is he not sharing the load?

Would a strict routine help you or him?

Your husband is a disgrace.

I cannot believe he takes him self off on a hobby for 50% of the weekend. How utterly selfish of him

He doesn't see how bad it is for you because he doesn't want to see. What a horrible man he is and a shit father. Can't believe he can only cope with his child for 30 minutes buy expects you to cope the rest of the time.

Arsehole

He does have a routine especially in the morning and evening although I admit the afternoons are more relaxed.
I think although DH has never said so that he was really looking forward to having a son as our older two are girls. Obviously though he was expecting DS to be NT. I don't mean he doesn't love DS but just that it's totally different to what he expected.
He does do bath and bed with DS 3x a week and takes him out on Sunday so doesn't ignore him but I think just struggles with the situation. Rather than deal with it he just leaves it to me.