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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel I can't cope anymore m

33 replies

Tootiredmummyof3 · 05/01/2025 11:48

I expect I'll get absolutely slated for this thread but maybe I need to hear it. I'm so tired, as my username probably suggests.
I can't take this parenting anymore. I know I have to but it honestly feels like it's killing me. My older two are generally okay and no real issues, aside normal teenage attitude but my DS, who I love to bits is such hard work.
It's not his fault, he has additional needs and physically is older than 4 but mentally/socially/emotionally is between 18 and 24 months. He was doing 2 hours a day at school last term but they have changed it to 90 minutes this term as he wasn't coping.
The house is an absolute tip. Even when I get 10 minutes to myself to clean it's destroyed within minutes. Washing basket is overflowing and no time to do anything.
I want a break so much but family are unable/unwilling and friends say they will but always bail and tbh I'm not sure they could handle him for very long.
He's non verbal, still in nappies, no awareness of danger, climbs on everything and I mean everything, pulls things off shelves and when he runs he is fast. And as for sleep...
I've only been able to write this now as DH has taken him out but he only takes him out for an absolute maximum of 30 minutes. He's back to work Monday so it will all be on me again. Getting him up, getting him ready for school, getting him to school only to be back there a few minutes later. Getting DS out for fresh air, doctor's appointments (for me and him), shopping is all on me.
DH doesn't really help much but he doesn't get how hard it is day in day out he says he does but he doesn't. He's at work all week and does his hobby most of Saturday so he doesn't see the endless work
I just can't do it anymore. I'm tired and stressed out. It's just too much.
I really think DS deserves better than this. And my older two are barely at home these days so don't get any quality time. I need a break but when I say anything to DH he says you have to keep going. I do but feel on the verge of a breakdown or collapsing with exhaustion

OP posts:
TangerinePlate · 05/01/2025 22:35

You’re struggling as well.
Take yourself off on Sunday for a few hours and leave your H to deal with it. He’s also a parent. You need a break.
Your H has several hours without DS,cushy life and Saturday hobby.
What’s your hobby OP? Are you able to go out at all?

Careerburnout · 05/01/2025 22:42

Hellllo!

I say this as a SEN officer ….. when is your child 5?
I would write to your LA (the head of service) and put a complaint in and say they are not fulfilling their section 19 duties to provide a full time education for your son. Tell them they need to put it in place immediately, and it needs to be appropriate.
If they push back, put in an LGO complaint.

I have generally dealt with older children, so I am not sure of the legislations before a child turns 5, but when he does turn 5 this is what I would do.

I would also echo what others have said about social care. Even an EHAP initially to start the ball rolling.

Sending positive vibes your way!

Spirallingdownwards · 05/01/2025 22:45

Tootiredmummyof3 · 05/01/2025 11:48

I expect I'll get absolutely slated for this thread but maybe I need to hear it. I'm so tired, as my username probably suggests.
I can't take this parenting anymore. I know I have to but it honestly feels like it's killing me. My older two are generally okay and no real issues, aside normal teenage attitude but my DS, who I love to bits is such hard work.
It's not his fault, he has additional needs and physically is older than 4 but mentally/socially/emotionally is between 18 and 24 months. He was doing 2 hours a day at school last term but they have changed it to 90 minutes this term as he wasn't coping.
The house is an absolute tip. Even when I get 10 minutes to myself to clean it's destroyed within minutes. Washing basket is overflowing and no time to do anything.
I want a break so much but family are unable/unwilling and friends say they will but always bail and tbh I'm not sure they could handle him for very long.
He's non verbal, still in nappies, no awareness of danger, climbs on everything and I mean everything, pulls things off shelves and when he runs he is fast. And as for sleep...
I've only been able to write this now as DH has taken him out but he only takes him out for an absolute maximum of 30 minutes. He's back to work Monday so it will all be on me again. Getting him up, getting him ready for school, getting him to school only to be back there a few minutes later. Getting DS out for fresh air, doctor's appointments (for me and him), shopping is all on me.
DH doesn't really help much but he doesn't get how hard it is day in day out he says he does but he doesn't. He's at work all week and does his hobby most of Saturday so he doesn't see the endless work
I just can't do it anymore. I'm tired and stressed out. It's just too much.
I really think DS deserves better than this. And my older two are barely at home these days so don't get any quality time. I need a break but when I say anything to DH he says you have to keep going. I do but feel on the verge of a breakdown or collapsing with exhaustion

You have a DH and older teens problem as they say on here.

Time they all step up to help out more.

Can be done by family meeting or totally losing your shit at them all - whichever you think will be more effective in your family set up. From your DH's comment I rather suspect it may need to be the latter!

Nantescalling · 05/01/2025 22:45

Nessastats · 05/01/2025 19:20

Your husband reminds me of Julia's husband in motherland.

Useless sack of shit masquerading as a dad.

You need to spell it out to him in words of one syllable that you are on the edge of burning out. If you burn out, the whole sodding ship goes down.

If i were you and wanted to get my point across, id be up and out on Saturday before he leaves for his hobby. Don't tell him till after you've gone, just go out for the day, anywhere, and leave him to see a snapshot of your life. Your child will be safe with his dad, and you'll get a day off downtime that your dh acknowledges is necessary but only when it's his.

c
Definitely this. Play him athis iwngame. He should be ashamed. ''Un sickness and in health' it says.

TangerinePlate · 06/01/2025 13:31

I’ll second what @Nessastats and @Nantescalling said.
Your H should experience for at least full day (and night) and soldier on.

In sickness and health. Worst kind of husband happy to make his wife sick as long as he doesn’t need to pull his finger out.Selfish and uncaring to the boot.

876543A · 06/01/2025 13:41

My Dad didn't want Social Services involved when my brother was younger; it was my Mum that fought for it tooth and nail and needed the help - I am very proud of her for doing that. She got a lot of support from SS; there was a lady who would come once a week in the evening to take him out for a break, and I remember Psychologists coming round for parenting advice. There was also respite care arranged. Eventually, he was moved into foster care when he was around 14 and that made a massive improvement to family life - we still saw him regularly but my Mum was able to have that break from the day to day difficulties. Her life improved immeasurably.

Now he is an adult and he lives in supported living, and he has been supported to find a suitable work placement in a wonderful place that suits his interests and skills, and the time he does spend with my Mum now is quality time. They do an activity together for about 5 hours every fortnight, and thats a good balance for them.

Social Services helped my family so much and without them my brother wouldn't have had the good life he has today. Please seek their help if you are struggling. I know the Dad has a say to some extent, but you're the one managing the day to day difficulties and if you need help then don't be silenced. Think about what you want the future to look like for your son - you can't do this alone and his needs will change as he ages.

Quitelikeit · 06/01/2025 13:49

@876543A

great post I just hope the op reads it - her dp seems fearful of SS when there is no need to be

MojoMoon · 06/01/2025 14:21

OP, respite care can be built up to gradually. They aren't just going to whisk him off highly distressed.

There are some specialist respite foster carers who you can build an ongoing relationship initially with you and him spending time with them together with so he can become comfortable going there once a month for example.

In the long run, you are going to need respite over the next 14 years so it's definitely something to work towards, don't rule it out now as too difficult.

Social services are over stretched but they can, as a previous poster, also be lifesavers. It's not a mark of shame in any way for them to be involved.

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