Waiting for family member to die.

[Bloodybrambles]

I’m prepared to be flamed. If anything I know I deserve it.

My mum has been in poor health the majority of my life. She’s always been a heavy smoker, alcoholic, poor diet, never exercised etc. As a teen I was her carer for a few years but still continued the same lifestyle.

The last couple of years we’ve lived like every Xmas/holiday/event could be mums last. She says jump, we say how high.

She’s had lots of health conditions, generally being very fail, sometimes not able to do day-to-day tasks herself, need support leaving the house etc but not one condition to pin the decline. The last few months I’ve been revolved my life around her to help care/support her.

She’s now been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and receiving palliative care. We’ve not been given a proper timeline yet. It’s expected to be months. In a way I feel I can have a breath as she’s accepted professional Carers. I don’t need to fit in spending half a day to go over to give her a bath/cleaning/run errands twice a week.

But now it’s expected family to spend every available moment with her ‘to make the most of what time is left’.

I have a baby, just about to start a new job, I hate living in this appreciate every day we’ve got together when really I’m just exhausted. We’ve always had a strained relationship which I’ve just accepted. I feel like I’m just making idyl conversation with her until she passes, whenever that will be.

I decided that this weekend I was going to spend it away from hers but with DH&DD to have a break. I’ve had two phone calls from two of her friends telling me that Mum is upset that I’m not seeing her for a couple of days/if I understand that there’s not much time left/make the most of it.

I could have written some of this myself. It's fucking exhausting - been 4 years now of 'is this the last Christmas/Easter/birthday', or 'is this the 999 call and ambulance that will be The One.' We were told 6 months, and on that basis I agreed for her to move in/become her carer. 4 years later we still seem to be right on the verge.

No real tips or help, just solidarity. Don't blame yourself for thinking awful things, I've found it comes with the territory. Just try not to say them out loud in real life 😂

Your mother sounds demanding and pretty manipulative.

I don't know what to suggest but guess you need to find a balance between seeing her enough so you don't have any regrets and prioritising your own family and needs.

You need to start putting yourself first. Any complaints, tell them you are attending to your mental well being. You have done more than most. In your shoes, I would only spend as much time with your mother as you feel you want to. If you can, have some honest conversations with her. Ask about her childhood - what made her this alcoholic, self abusive person? Perhaps you've already had that conversation. All the best.

I think your mum’s friends are over stepping. You need time to rest and enjoy your baby. It’s not sustainable to be with your mum everyday for months. I think a good way to look at it is to ask yourself if you would regret the amount of time you spent with your mum after she passed. Only you know the answer.

Op on the elderly parents topic there's an extremely supportive long running thread that would probably benefit you. Here on aibu you're likely to attract the arseholes they think you should just be thankful you have a parent and it's your duty to kill yourself trying to keep them happy. I'd suggest heading that way, I believe it's called 'exhausted waiting for someone to die'. Be kind to yourself and don't give more than you have x

YANBU. Tell your DM's friends that you know far better than them what the situation is and that their input isn't helpful. Don't say anything else. Don't try to justify or explain.

To your mum, tell her you need more sleep, that you were running on empty before and need to recharge to be able to spend time with her. If you can be kind and get what you need that's great but it's okay to be a little brutal if you have to. Her diagnosis doesn't justify her feeling entitled to your time. It doesn't make her the only person in your life. Your DD needs you, present and not totally exhausted more than she does.

If it were just a few months out of your life it would be different, then you having a well of time to give her now would be more reasonable to expect. But it's been years that she's been taking all your reserves, it's fine to realize that and make sure the rest of your life gets what it needs to make sure it's still be here and thriving when she's gone.

Me too, different circumstances, different reasons.

Bloody hell, the FRIENDS. How dare they. Refuse to engage with the premise of their question, and certainlydont start explaimjbg yourself to them. Either just grey rock them - 'Thanks. Ok. Thanks. Thanks for calling' or deliberately miss the point. 'Oh how lovely to hear from you! So glad that you're spending time with Mum at the moment. It's distressing for all of us, isn't it? Will you be speaking to her again soon? Oh you're wonderful. DD what are you DOING? Oh God, sorry, got to go, do call again -' click.

YANBU. You are doing the right thing, your DH and DD need you too, and you need the break. I'm glad to see the support from pretty much everybody on this thread too. Your mum sounds incredibly selfish and manipulative, and it's great that she's finally accepted carers. Do what you need to do, you know the situation best.

Caring for someone is exhausting. Once DH and I got carers for his mum (she had no short term memory and was in her 90s), we went over to see her 2x a week vs. Every day. We were both exhausted and needed a break. She didn’t remember most of the time if she saw us or not.

Nothing but a big yanbu from me, it sounds like you've already given more of your time than perhaps you should. She's well looked after, not like she's sitting in the dark on her own etc, so start reigning back your time for your life now and put in the boundaries of how long you can spend with her. Even a stage 4 you could be looking at many months.

That's so manipulative, you've only got limited time with your baby too!

Her friends need to mind their own bloody business. Your Mum may have been playing the poor me card to them too, they have no idea!

She is having care, she has friends, she is safe. You absolutely deserve to prioritise your family for a weekend OP.

You absolutely don't deserve to be flamed or get any criticism. You cannot go on for months or longer living like this, I think you'll be incredibly unhappy, stressed and will break. You'll just end up resenting your mum (even more) and won't enjoy the time with her anyway (or rather even less). It's OK to set some boundaries and step away. Her friends are out of order (and possibly being manipulated). I think it's great you prioritised you, your husband and little one and took a break. It's not fair for your mum to ask you to restrict your life and relationships with your partner and child to that extent, or to run yourself ragged.

People with long term alcohol issues are very skilled at playing the victim - I suspect she'll have completely taken the friends in, in order for them to get in touch with you (either that, or she's asking them for help and they're panicking and pushing it back on you!)

Try not to justify your actions to others, keep it simple - 'I'm doing what I can, don't want to discuss it'

Im not saying the next bit to guilt trip you, but only so you can make your own decision on what you feel comfortable with - lung cancer is reliably a fast moving disease compared to many other cancers. Just so you're prepared for that given you've had lots of 'false alarms' by the sounds of it. You need to set your boundaries, in terms of what you can do and what you can't, and what you'll feel comfortable with when looking back in future (while lots will say just cut off a parent completely, it's rarely that straightforward)

I don't think you deserve to be flamed at all. It sounds like you've gone over and above for your mum, despite everything. Addiction is an illness, of course - however, your entire life cannot revolve around your mum so completely, particularly given you've got your own family and life to live as well. As a pp has said, take a moment to reflect on whether you'd regret not having more time with your mum if you stick to visiting simply when you're able - it sounds like the answer is likely to be no, and that's perfectly ok. I'm sure when the end is drawing closer you shall - but again, that's on your terms and shouldn't be because you've been guilty tripped into it. You're not a bad person for needing your own time, and it sounds like your mum is being well looked after. Will be thinking of you.

It sounds incredibly difficult and it sounds like you've done a fantastic job over the years.

Personally I would commit some special time
to your mum and also time to your other commitments. As well as time for taking a break.

Don't leave yourself with regrets x

Your mum is sending in the flying monkeys - even very ill people can be assholes. I would go with the 'slightly stupid and no really understanding you' approach with the friends - oh, how sweet of her and you to be so concerned about me, I am so glad you can be there when I cant, it has been such a long time of caring for her so it is such a relief to know she is well cared for by professionals so we dont have to get to the point of illness or collapse ourselves, I hope you have a lovely time with her and how nice that you get to have her to yourself at this special time, I am sure she will appreciate it so much.

Then hang up. And dont answer calls except from the professionals. With your mother, if she says anything, tell her straight - mum, I support you as much as I can, but I also have to take care of my own health needs because this situation has gone on for years now and I am almost completely depleted. When I am not here, that is an opportunity for you to spend 1 to 1 time with your old friends. I am not going to discuss this further. I do what I can - but I cannot do more than that.

Ignore, the friends will be disfunctional too.

I don't think you deserve to get flamed.

Personally I don't really get the whole "last Christmas" or whatever being more important than any other - you'll never get a chance again to celebrate your child's first Christmas etc, so they're all important in that sense.

Agree this sounds like manipulative behaviour on your mums part. She has carers, maybe sit down with your partner and work out a reasonable amount of time to spend with her that still allows you to live your own life and try to let the guilt go. You deserve to be happy too, to have family time and to be around for your child.

Seriously, this was why both my sisters moved away. Lucky for me I'm pretty disabled, and will let her to shut up.
I'm lovely really!

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I feel a massive weight has been lifted.

I was prepared to be flamed out of desperation to get it off my chest.

thank you ☺️

Your childhood must have been really difficult with your mum. You have done loads for her and nobody should be making you feel guilty. Your mum must have asked her friends to contact you to put the pressure on and you don't deserve that.

You need to prioritise your baby and your new job.

Next time I would be feeling as if I might be coming down with something and not wanting to given it to her. Then miraculously feel a bit better in a few days.

to you and absolutely no judgement. Just on a practical note, my understanding is that with stage 4 lung cancer, when you do get a timeline from doctors it's likely to be pretty accurate, so keep asking them if it's not clear - it's a perfectly reasonable question and whatever the situation it helps to have an idea of what's likely