Waiting for family member to die.

[Bloodybrambles]

I’m prepared to be flamed. If anything I know I deserve it.

My mum has been in poor health the majority of my life. She’s always been a heavy smoker, alcoholic, poor diet, never exercised etc. As a teen I was her carer for a few years but still continued the same lifestyle.

The last couple of years we’ve lived like every Xmas/holiday/event could be mums last. She says jump, we say how high.

She’s had lots of health conditions, generally being very fail, sometimes not able to do day-to-day tasks herself, need support leaving the house etc but not one condition to pin the decline. The last few months I’ve been revolved my life around her to help care/support her.

She’s now been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and receiving palliative care. We’ve not been given a proper timeline yet. It’s expected to be months. In a way I feel I can have a breath as she’s accepted professional Carers. I don’t need to fit in spending half a day to go over to give her a bath/cleaning/run errands twice a week.

But now it’s expected family to spend every available moment with her ‘to make the most of what time is left’.

I have a baby, just about to start a new job, I hate living in this appreciate every day we’ve got together when really I’m just exhausted. We’ve always had a strained relationship which I’ve just accepted. I feel like I’m just making idyl conversation with her until she passes, whenever that will be.

I decided that this weekend I was going to spend it away from hers but with DH&DD to have a break. I’ve had two phone calls from two of her friends telling me that Mum is upset that I’m not seeing her for a couple of days/if I understand that there’s not much time left/make the most of it.

With a baby and new job, your ‘available’ time is very limited. You get to decide what you do with it, not your mum. Don’t let her (or other people) make you feel guilty.

Her ‘friends’ are probably projecting their own fears onto you: they fear being alone and vulnerable at the end of their lives.

It amazes me how the elderly expect constant attention rather than thinking ‘maybe if I were nice, funny, caring and interesting then people would want to spend time with me’.

You shouldn’t be expected to live your life constantly in the shadow of death. Part of the problem is that modern medicine extends the very last stage of life, sometimes by years. All of this stage places an incredible burden on family and carers. I read recently about a drug to slow alzheimer’s and extend the lives of those with dementia and thought ‘those poor carers’. I’ll probably get flamed for that.

You've devoted a lot of time to your Mum. Now you have a new baby who shouldn't be neglected. Do what you can. Other relatives need to step up.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5243659-cockroach-cafe-new-year-2025

This thread won’t flame you

Nor will you get flamed here

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5217385-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-4

Your mum is exploiting the situation. Yanbu for having some family time. Start putting boundaries as she could still be around for a long time. Ignore the friends.

OP there is an end to this and your life will be so much lighter and will no longer be on pause soon.

YANBU at this stage, definitely not. You have done way above from a very young age, we can’t even begin to understand how difficult it has been for from probably early childhood.

In the end, it will be a huge relief. You have your life to get on with now, go ahead with that without guilt, we give you permission to NOT feel any guilt. You are a good person and a good daughter.

Now bring up your child/ children how you should have been brought up, do it better and with joy xxx

Put yourself & your baby first OP. Don't feel guilty.

By the time she had dementia at a certain stage, my DM couldn’t remember even literally a minute later that someone had visited. Classic case was when I met my brother, just leaving, as I arrived. My DM’s comment when I mentioned him, ‘He never comes near!’

She genuinely couldn’t remember.

Did you really think you would get flamed OP, as it clear that you wouldn’t be?! If so I guess that shows how much your mum has manipulated you over the years and now has sent in her flying monkeys. Establish some boundaries, and stop letting her guilt trip you. She is the one who should be feeling guilty.

We had this with our DM (I'm one of 4). She was very frail and I was the one on call most days for calls /appointments/needs etc due to working times (siblings very aware and thankful, no issues). It is exhausting and thats without a young family.
As a family we decided that we would all keep to our plans ie holidays booked etc. I was on holiday (uk)when she passed. They could have kept her alive on aCPAP machine (I think) if I wanted to get home and see her. My siblings were with her and I said no, i didnt want to keep alive -according to my siblungs it was distressing to see her on it, and we wanted her to go as peacefulky and calmy as possible (she had a DNR). I feel no qualms about this, obviously had she been on her own I would have travelled back.

Noone should be trying to guilt uou including your DM. Take the time away, rest and relax and you'll come back in a much better frame of mind x

It is very hard. We had 3 or 4 years with both our mums in their last years. One living with us, one in a home 3 hours away, and Covid too. It was full on and exhausting. Both died around 2 years ago, and we still struggle to get out of the habit of nipping into town and having to dash round and get back quickly. It was obviously very sad when they both died, but the feeling of not having to worry about them is palpable. Do what is best for you, and don't feel guilty. You can't do everything and you have other people to care for. We found in the last few months when MIL was nearing the end, in our house, the support we got from the hospice team and local nurses was brilliant, all concerned with our health as well as keeping MIL as comfortable as possible. Take all the help offered to help you get through these difficult months.

No one could flame you for this op...
Your mother's addiction makes her incredibly selfish, she notices only her own emotional discomfort and looks to everyone but herself and the substances she uses to ease her pain, even as this behaviour makes her emotional pain worse, and on a deeper level she knows emotional blackmail is almost all she's got left because she has more than spent whatever goodwill would freely come her way.

Not your fault op.

Meanwhile you have these well meaning friends calling, which is outrageous, and they absolutely should not be putting pressure onto you.

I think however, that your best strategy for dealing with them is to have something ready to say (so you are prepared and can say it calmly) like -

Oh hello, look, I know that your intentions in starting this conversation are coming from a good place, you are responding to the distress you see when mum is upset. And in unquestioningly accepting her view you feel it is fair to bring this up with me.
But here's the thing...
This is my mum you are talking about, I am more than well aware of her health condition and what that means, which you would know if you troubled to ask.
But I can only be her primary emotional support, for however long that she needs it, if I can achieve a balance between her needs and all the other demands in my life.
You know only a fraction of what I'm dealing with, so your good intentions are also under informed.
I am glad mum has friends that care and I would ask that you channel that support into giving what you can to her in any moment, which is also what I am making it my business to do.
Don't forget I love my mum and don't need to be told to make the most of every moment, but I can't literally be there every waking moment.
So rest assured when I tell you I am doing ALL I can and will continue to do so, as I have done for all my life.
I am being clear because I don't want to have this conversation again and if you call me again I expect it to be to offer kindness not judgement.

Obviously op, it should not be your job to educate these people, but, you do get to draw a very clear boundary, and if you express it calmly like this they can't accuse you of being heartless. IF they do... You have ever right to hang up and not exchange a word.

I was honestly expecting ‘she’s your mum/put yourself in her shoes…’ etc.

The last few weeks I’ve been irritable with everybody/life. In reflection I’ve been bitter and resentful for the situation. Honestly having everyone’s support on here has made me do a complete U-turn for me to get back to my usual self. I think I needed permission to not revolve my life around my mum, and to not feel guilty when I wasn’t.

I’ve had a lovely weekend with my family. Just doing normal life and enjoying it. DH said it’s nice to see me happy again. Thank you all

This is exactly the same thing that has happened to me. My mum was exactly the same, heavy smoker, alcoholic etc. then she was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer exactly like yours. She suffered for 18 months and unfortunately it didn't make her any more pleasant to be around. Me and my siblings did do a lot more for her than she deserved to be honest. Might not be the same for you but the last day of her life, watching her suffer and be so poorly really dissolved all my anger.
Look after yourself and your family as that is your priority. Do what you want to do for your mum or not.
I really wish you all the best

What a lovely update @Bloodybrambles !

Sometimes we just need to be seen and know there's nothing wrong with how we feel.
Good luck with the remainder of this path you are on, I hope you manage to stay sane and have time with your own family. 💐

You don't deserve these phone calls from the "flying monkeys" as a pp called them. No one but you knows how your relationship is with your mother.

Do you know what type of lung cancer your mother has? This will make a bid difference to her life expectancy even at stage 4.

You though must not feel any guilt, you have gone over and above with your caring duties all your life by the sounds of it

Hmmm. My mother had lung cancer and when she reached stage 4, was told "weeks, not months". She lived for a further 9 months.

She was entirely not like the OP's mother, however and made zero demands, bless her (and I'd had a very difficult relationship with her for most of my life).

My mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 10yrs ago and I completely understand where you are coming from.
My mum has been in a home round the corner from me for 20mths and is end stage.
She has been end stage, frail and not going to last all that time but the best thing for me has been to learn to not beat myself up about it and try to balance her needs and my family and my own life. I had a rocky relationship with my mum for most of my lifetime but I decide do the right thing and step up when she needed me, so for 9yrs I've been on call for her life, providing care & support, being her POA & general dogsbody. That's my youngest child's whole life.
First holiday away since she was end of life was tough and I spent a lot of time on the phone sorting out and checking stuff. However it got easier - we went away last summer for 2 weeks to the US for a big event, I made sure she was visited by a friend in my absence and made sure we had adequate travel insurance if anything did happen whilst we were away but it was all fine.
I've accepted she probably won't last another year (but we thought that last year) but that can't rule my life.
You need to take time for yourself or you'll burnout. It's not good for anyone.
If other people say stuff direct it back to them ... thank them for offering to spend time with her , they'll either step up or shut up.

I'm so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. As my own dear mother used to say " Do your best, dear. Just do your best. That's all you can do." You are doing your best. Your mother has professional carers. Are any of the flying monkeys putting themselves forward? If not, suggest that they do. Turn it back on them.

The needs of a very young child trump those of a parent, however moribund.

I have a friend who is a pilot and whenever I say something about being emotionally or physically tired from helping other people (usually work-related in my case but I think it is applicable to your situation too), he reminds me that on the safety card in planes, it clearly states that if the oxygen masks come down, you should fit your own before trying to help others. It seems counter intuitive but when you think about it, it makes sense that you're no use to anyone if you aren't in a physical or mental state to help them.

Yes, the time you take for yourself is less time with your mum but if the time you would "gain" with her is tainted by resentment or simply clouded by the fog of mental or physical exhaustion it wouldn't be quality time anyway. Also, in the future, when you look back at this stage of your life, your feelings about it will be massively influenced by your state of mind.

I know it isn't easy, especially when family, friends and neighbours are acting as flying monkeys but, for your sake and for the sake of your family, please

FIT YOUR OWN MASK FIRST

Hi OP, glad you got to have a nice weekend with your family.
I am in a similar position, my dad has been "dying" for about 2 years now. He has stage 4 prostate cancer and very advanced COPD.

He isnt a bad man but he is very focused on himself and feels very sorry for himself all the time. He lives a very unhealthy lifestyle. He smokes still while needing ventolin inhalers and oxygen throughout the day, he drinks whiskey every night, lives on sugary drinks including red bull and is addicted to solpadine.
Everytime I visit he wants sympathy for his sickness but he wont to anything to help himself.

My sister runs herself ragged lookin after him as she doesnt want to feel guilty when he dies. I was like that for a while but realised the toll it was taking on me. I do plenty for him so I hope I wont have regrets when he dies.

The best thing you can do is put in boundaries. There is no expectation to make yourself ill caring for someone or for it to have such a negative impact on your life.
I also had my dad's friend imply to me that I wasnt looking after dad properly as he was losing so much weight (mam was in hospital at the time so he was on his own in the house). I was taken aback by the comments but I know my dad manipulated him into thinking this as the result was his friend starting bringing him to his house for dinner which saved my dad having to cook (which he is capable of doing).
I was buying him food out of my own money and cooking some meals but dad was looking for sympathy.
Your mam is likely manipulating her friends to put pressure on you. Try to ignore it.
Best of luck x