To ask for advice on having the kids/future talk?

[Stanwyck]

We are both early 30s and he is divorced after marrying young. Together 15 months and a happy/strong relationship. But I feel like we’ve left having this chat late in the day.

We’ve talked around it. A few months ago we spent a lunchtime discussing baby names we did/didn’t like. He mentions he’s good with kids at ‘good at changing nappies’ more recently! And said his parents would be hands on grandparents as and when - mine have said the same. He said once he’d happily have kids, or not would be ok too

But other times he’ll say you need to have a good reason to have a baby don’t you? Oh if I ever live in X place in x country (as though he’s still a bachelor)

For myself, I think I’d be happy having a family with him and think he’d be a good dad. On the other hand if we didn’t have a baby/were infertile I think we’d also have a good life.

The other issue is I own my home and he rents. Although we don’t live together we spend lots of time at each others homes. Right now we have no plan as a couple.

im scared to bring it up but also realise we’ve left it too long. Do you just bring it up over dinner? Or tell him I want to have this talk? Sounds a bit scary saying it that way!

You have been talking about it. If he didn’t want kids you would know. He might be open to either kids or no kids (depending on what you think / what happens) but you have definitely been talking about it. Have you talked about marriage? Old school me says don’t have kids without that financial and legal protection. Maybe ask about marriage. If you get engaged then ask directly about kids.

It's important to discuss it now before a baby arrives and things go wrong. I work with many women who were SAHM and got royally fucked over by their husbands and had to start a career from scratch and wish they'd had conversations about finances and parenting before things got serious.

I ended things myself with a partner as he wanted a SAHM and I refuse to be that.

It's worth thinking about the different scenarios such as careers and how the parenting load will be shared? If you're going to be a SAHM, marry and ensures he pays into a private pension for you etc

As to when to have it that's up to you, where is a spade you both feel comfortable in? If that's having dinner cool but it could also be with a cup of coffee on the sofa?

It can be an awkward conversation but you're not dating, you're in a commuted relationship and it's one of the most important topics that needs discussing to establish if you're on the same page or not. Ask him outright if he sees a future with you and does that include kids one day.
It's best to clear it up before any "accidents" happen 😬!

I think I am very aware of being early 30s now and that I’ll be 35 in no time at all. I’d worry if he was open to kids or wanted to wait years and years.

But also knowing it’s still a young relationship that’s less than 2 years old - although I do feel like he’s the one.

Definitely discuss it. If it were me, I'd have the discussion next time he makes one of these comments (to me, they sound like slightly leading comments, though they might not be). Or you could just say 'you know, I was thinking about what you said a few months ago, about when you'd have a baby, and ...'.

I would think it'd be unconventional not to plan to live together, and logistically tricky.

I think ideally, you both need to talk about how you feel about having a baby (you feel you'd be happy either way; that's sort of easy, but if he really thinks it's a dealbreaker if you don't, you need to know).

You need to talk about when, in an ideal world, you'd go back to work, what sort of split of childcare you'd think was good, how you might think about finances. Are you going to get married?

I think I'd also (probably not all in the same conversation!) put out some feelers to see how clued up he is about things like PND, or what each of you might feel if you had to make a difficult decision about terminations (sorry, but it's horrible and it's much worse to have that conversation later).

And I'd also want to have some sense of what he thinks is important as a parent; what he'd do in terms of discipline or whatever. For example, for me it was a dealbreaker if my potential other parent thought it was ok to smack a child. Wouldn't be an issue for some people, but for me it was.

It's important to discuss kids and attitudes to raising kids because if you're not on the same page you can move along but not discussing it will cause more misery further down the line

Oh if I ever live in X place in x country (as though he’s still a bachelor)
But he is. You don't even live together.

I think this is a really sensible attitude TBH. If he wants kids 'maybe in ten years' for me, that would ring alarm bells. It's such a cliche but men have more time to play with.

Wow- you're both very relaxed about the topic! I asked my husband upfront on our first date if he wanted children. It was very important to me so I had to weed out any consumate bachelors!
The hints he's given sound positive that he would want children- I reckon he might be trying to scope out whether you want them too.
I think you should just ask him outright- do you think we should get married and have babies? Be sure about what you want as well.

I would have run a mile from someone who asked me that on a first date! And we got the positive pregnancy test for DD on the anniversary of that first date, so it's not as if we were particularly slow off the mark.

We are all different; for you it obviously worked. But I think some people would find it an inappropriate question.

Have the chat, watch a film with kids in it and steer the conversation to the questions you want to ask. Find out if he wants a family and if so when?

@Oxforddictionary12 I actually think you may be right that he’s trying to sound me out!

We also watched this film with a terrible proposal recently and he was saying ‘nah you need to do it properly’. After buying me a necklace at Xmas he also started asking about stones I like/don’t like which made me a bit suspicious but again might just be chatting.

I would have run a mile from someone who asked me that on a first date

My DH asked me our first date, that was 30 years ago do it didn’t scare me off.

@SarahAndQuack amazing reply with lots of practical things to think about, thank you!

im lucky in that he’s very good domestically - great with cleaning, cooking etc, better than me.

He has said he would be hands on but what would that mean in practice? So often women give up their lives while child rearing and we both have careers. My mum had PND so that is definitely important.

Haha, well I was thirty and I have to say it was effective in saving me wasting time on anyone that didn't want the same thing.

Fear not, I didn't ask 'do you want children with me' specifically- just general sense. Luckily husband was on the same page else it could have all ended a lot less happily. 😅

I did say that we're all different and that it obviously worked for that poster.

I was just trying to illustrate that not asking it on a first date needn't indicate you are particularly overly 'relaxed' about having children. It just might be that you are a little more private at first. I don't think the OP should feel bad that she hasn't had this conversation yet. I just think she is right to feel that it needs to happen at some point if they're going to move forward in the direction of living together/marriage/kids.

@MotherOfRatios we have touched on how we’d raise a child just generally speaking. We both wouldn’t do it the same way was our parents but we haven’t discussed this in detail.

I think probably I’d want to find out if he waits kids generally. And then feel out the how.

Go on a nice night out, get tipsy and have a nice little chat about the future!! Can be fun.,, doesn’t need to be too serious and formal!

Do that, tonight!

Do you know when his tenancy is up? I would be aiming towards that as an opportunity to decide to live together. Could you kickstart the convo that way?

Let’s be honest, if his tenancy expires in July and he’s not looking to move in with you then, it’s probably going to be very slow progress, or not happen at all.

I have the kid’s chat before the tenancy chat?

I don’t know when his tenancy is up. He specifically lives near his job.

I think I’d rather talk about the big topics and then discuss the living together bit. Probably doing things in reverse…

Not a bad idea!

I’ve turned it into this big scary thing inside my head rather than a fun talk about the future.

also thanks to the PP who suggested a chat over a cuppa! I was thinking it needs to be formal

You seem to be half way there in these conversations already. It doesn't seem like a big stretch to just move it on to a less general conversation.

Yep same. We were both nearly 30 when we met and discussed what we wanted on the first date. We were married two years later and immediately started trying. Good thing too as we it turns out we had lots of fertility problems.

Definitely make the talk a priority if kids are important to you as well, OP!