To ask for advice on having the kids/future talk?

[Stanwyck]

We are both early 30s and he is divorced after marrying young. Together 15 months and a happy/strong relationship. But I feel like we’ve left having this chat late in the day.

We’ve talked around it. A few months ago we spent a lunchtime discussing baby names we did/didn’t like. He mentions he’s good with kids at ‘good at changing nappies’ more recently! And said his parents would be hands on grandparents as and when - mine have said the same. He said once he’d happily have kids, or not would be ok too

But other times he’ll say you need to have a good reason to have a baby don’t you? Oh if I ever live in X place in x country (as though he’s still a bachelor)

For myself, I think I’d be happy having a family with him and think he’d be a good dad. On the other hand if we didn’t have a baby/were infertile I think we’d also have a good life.

The other issue is I own my home and he rents. Although we don’t live together we spend lots of time at each others homes. Right now we have no plan as a couple.

im scared to bring it up but also realise we’ve left it too long. Do you just bring it up over dinner? Or tell him I want to have this talk? Sounds a bit scary saying it that way!

I think it's much better if it's not too formal, TBH.

Too formal and it could sound as if you're grilling him about something with a 'right' and 'wrong' answer, and actually, you just need for both of you to be on the same page. His views are as important as yours at this stage; if he feels he is being interviewed and has to say the 'right' thing, he might end up saying something that isn't quite what he honestly feels, just out of a sense that this is a test he has to pass.

I'm not saying he will, but I've known both men and women who ended up saying 'oh, sure honey, I definitely want/don't want children!' when their actual feelings were much more complicated. And that can be so heartbreaking if you both spend time not quite agreeing, and then for one or other of you, it's too late.

I met my now DH when I was mid 30s so during our first phone convo before even meeting face to face he asked me something and I responded saying 'when I am married and have kids xyz' so he knew I am looking for marriage and kids when I meet that right person.
I think it's important to have these chats early on so you both know you are building a relationship towards marriage/kids. You guys have already spoken about kids related topics so you can just take it further by asking him what does he think of your relationship 15 months down the line and where does he see it going and on what timeline.

Tbh it's better to have a general conversation about if he wants kids and then if he does how does he plan on raising them? What kind of parenting load and split does it look like for you. Because the longer you keep pushing these conversations back the more painful it inevitably will be if you split up you might as well just do things all in one and get it done. Rip the bandaid off!

Another one who talked about it on the first date. Unfortunately you may find he doesn't want kids until the last possible moment for him.

It doesn't have to be awkward - you're in your early 30s and want to start a family in, say, the next 5 years? Then you need to have the discussion and be honest about what are red lines for you. You want him to be totally honest too so you can see if you're on the same page. If you're not, it's better to know now.

For example - do you want to be married before having children? If not, how are you going to safeguard yourself financially? Do you want to be a SAHM for a while, is he prepared to support you while you are taking care of your child? If you are return to work, how will you both contribute to childcare costs? How will you split work/childcare responsibilities between you? Will you buy a place together or will he want to move into your home? How will you split mortgage/bills/living expenses?

These questions might seem unromantic but if it were me, I'd want to get all these things straight before thinking about moving in/marriage/children. I've seen too many women get screwed by moving in, having children and being left with no financial security when things go pear shaped.

What you don’t want to do is move him in and then he stalls on DC, have the chat first.

I had this conversation on our first anniversary. It happened completely organically. We were out for a hike in the countryside which I think really helped. 3 or 4 hours in nature, looking forward ( ie not at each other) and just able to talk honestly without rushing. Worked really well.

Some men need a bit of a kick up the arse.

There were 2 chats that I had with my now DH when we were dating because I think he would just have ambled on with the status quo.

After 2 years of going out, I said if we were serious about giving 'us' a go we should move in together - which we did.
After another 2 years, I was around 33, I said we needed to get married or start planning for DC (he had no clue about the fertility decline rate) - he proposed 2 weeks later.

I just think you need to have these chats - they weren't ultimatums, more sowing the seeds but I think you do need clarity