House with in-laws

[ByLivelyBiscuit]

Sorry in advance that this is a long read!
My DH and I live in a small town where he grew up.
DH’s brother and his wife, my BIL and SIL also live in the same town.
DH’s mum and her husband used to live about 3 hours away, until she decided she wanted to move back to where we all live.
MIL travels a lot and is abroad for large parts of the year. MIL and her husband are very well off.
The next we hear is that MIL and BIL/SIL are all going to build a house together. A plot has been purchased, and a gigantic house will be built for them all to live in.
BIL is a builder so he will carry out the project.
MIL buys the plot, pays for all the work to be done. Intention is that when the new house is ready BIL&SIL will sell their house to pay for their half.
Fast forward, and new house is done and they are all happily living together.
BIL&SIL’s old house is still not sold. They have rented it out, and have just agreed another tenancy so it won’t be sold in the foreseeable.
The plot alone cost more than their old house was marketed for, and so there will be a shortfall when it is eventually sold. Apparently any difference will be a loan. The new house has been put in BIL’s name, MIL does not own it, but has paid for everything.
In order to make things equal, my DH was given a sizeable lump sum.
I am very conscious that it sounds like my issue is about the money side, and to an extent it is - my BIL&SIL are now at a significant financial advantage, and live in an enormous house, but what gets me is the lack of transparency about the whole thing…. It was just a done deal with no discussion which I find hurtful. It seems like my MIL chose her favourite child and DIL to live with.
Now that they all live together, they spend much more time together, their kids relationship with their grandparents is different due to living together, plans are made without us, information is shared that we find out about last/not at all, the expectation is that all events like Christmas will be held there as they are in one place and it is huge.
AIBU to be upset about it all?

Would you really want to be living full time with your In-Laws

I'd say you've had a lucky escape

I feel like you’ve got the best deal - lump sum and not living with the in laws.

I think your MIL has made a huge mistake putting it in his name. She has no legal right to live there?

Does DH feel upset about this or are you assigning feelings to him based on how you’d feel if it was your family? I say that because they are your in-laws, if DH is nonplussed then leave them to it. Don’t take on the stress of worrying about something that you cannot change.

Be happy that you don’t have to host, but also feel free to stay home and do your own thing if that’s what you’d prefer every so often.

I get that it’s hurtful to feel on the outer, but I’m not sure that you are owed a discussion or say in this matter. PILs are entitled to use their money and make decisions on where they wish to reside without having to consult their children.

At the end of the day, would you really want to live in a commune with your in-laws? I like mine and stay with them regularly but living together permanently, taking on carer role, never having privacy as a family? That would break me. I think they’ve been unwise to put the house in BILs name - it makes sense for inheritance/tax purposes but if that marriage breaks down it could get ugly fast.

sounds messy for a multitude of reasons. Be happy you aren't involved and let them crack on. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Agree with others, you have the best deal here.

When MIL and her DH get frail and need care none of that will be on you.

They will get on each other's nerves. Give it time.

Well, if you wanted to live there with them then the time to say that was when you first heard about it. It doesn't sound like there was a lack of transparency from the OP - you say they told you at the planning stage. I also wouldn't want to live in this big commune!

they all get along well and chose to live together, That’s the end of it. I hope I can live with my kids and grand kids when I’m old (and hopefully wealthy!)

They are probably happy together (they don’t have to be miserable just because you are not happy with the set up). To be fair, they gave you a lump sum - go buy a massive house with it ?

also I think your MIL trusts your BIL and his wife to look after her, give her a “family” to live with in her old age. It’s great for estate planning as no IHT will be due on this property if your mil survives 7 year (which is possible - particularly as she is living with her kids and grandkids - many old ppl living alone get depressed).

Firstly, thank your lucky stars they didn't ask you lot to move in too. Oh crikey, could you imagine?!

it rings alarm bells shes put the house in her sons name. Unless theres some clause written that she has the right to live there until death, its worrying in case theres a massive fall out, BILs business fails and bankruptcy, BIL/SIL divorce.

plus the caring aspect as inlaws get elderly. Is SIL (lets face it, it will be her not BIL) up for that?!

I couldn’t even think about living in this set up!

Wow, she gave you a lump sum and you are upset because she didn't also open her accounts for you to check that it is commensurate with the benefit your SIL is getting?

Have a stern word with yourself. It is her money to do as she pleases, and she has been generous enough to share some of it with you, with no benefit to her (whereas living in a nice house with extended family around her is most definitely a benefit to her).

Surely if you all live in the same town it will be easy to visit in-laws and cousins etc.

Obviously we only l own what you have told us but I am immediately wary for both sides. You don't mention an ages - of the in-laws or grandchildren and how that will progress later on as the in-laws age and want a quieter life.

I think the lump sum you received will be the better option in the long. Is the real issue here - you weren't asked? How does you DH feel about it? Is he also miffed?

Sorry, not posted before, just worked out how to respond!

Would you want to live with your in laws? I know I wouldn't. I wouldn't want to always socialise with them either. If you do then suggest plans.

Personally I'd rather have a lump sum of money and not be tied to anyone.

We only found out about it after the purchase of the plot had been agreed

Your MIL is entitled to do whatever she wants with her money and she can also choose to live with whoever she wants. She doesn't have to have a discussion with you and your DH about it. She very kindly gave your DH a lump sum so she is obviously trying to be fair. You sound jealous and entitled to be honest. Her living arrangements are none of your business. It's up to your DH to make sure that his children have a good relationship with their grandmother and that they spend time with her.

Right, and did you say to them then, "oh that sounds lovely, can we join in and all live together?"

If your MIL dies within 7 years of gifting the land/house to her son, he's potentially going to have a massive tax bill to pay (I'm presuming your financial gift was smaller and therefore your tax liability will be too?)

If your MIL lives to be 100, they're going to spend the next few DECADES living with her (personally, this is my idea of hell).

If your MIL becomes infirm in any way, your BIL & SIL will become the main carers by default. She will travel less, be home more and need more care and support, and they will be the ones on hand to do this, potentially sacrificing income-generation, hobbies, sleep, time with their DC etc to do this.

I honestly think you got a much better deal.

Well, you don’t have to live with them. Or care for them as they get older. So I would take comfort in that.

This is clearly ONLY about the money. If there was a scenario where your MIL had to live with either of the two sons but she had no wealth then this thread would have been anon starter

One day you will probably come to realise that you had by far the better end of the deal. If the property is really only in the sons name there are all sorts of potential issues around divorce etc. The chances of these issue increase when living with parents/ in laws

They’re trying to avoid it being used for care home fees.

If she does need a care home in the future, and wants the LA to pay because she now has few assets, she may run into problems. LA may regard her gifts as deprivation of assets and assess her as if she still had the money.

Consider it a lucky escape, with a nice lump sum.

Mil is now relying on goodwill to house her until she passes. If bil/sil divorce she is in trouble. I hope she never needs a care home. Since she owns none of the house, there is nothing to sell/pass on/inherit.
Sounds like a big mess. You got the best of it.

How would you actually have preferred things to happen?

You given the option of moving in with them too?
A "fair and open" competition for which son she lived with? (Potential for rather more distress, I think.)
A bigger sum to your DH?
Everything staying in MIL's name (including your lump sum) until she dies?

If they weren't moving in together, would you be content with lump sum, and with the amount your children see their grandmother?

Yes, the relationship with the grandchildren will be different, but that doesn't mean they can't all have great relationships with their grandmother.
You're off the hook for hosting Christmas, but that doesn't stop you inviting MIL or B/SIL to your house (and you get to choose whether to invite them separately or together).

@ByLivelyBiscuit you have had a lucky escape!!! you wont be forced into doing the caring now!! you are not conning your inlaws out of anything and they have to live with the results of their actions!

It’s not about what OP wants!